FILM

Robin Askew polishes his overused 3D glasses, grabs a huge sack of popcorn and settles down for another year at the movies.

3D makeovers of 'Titanic' and 'Star Wars', the return of The Muppets and 'Men in Black', unwanted sequels to 'Clash of the Titans' and 'G.I. Joe', plenty of fairytale fun including two rival Snow Whites, a new James Bond, Aardman's first plasticine feature since the Wallace and Gromit movie, Keira Knightley getting costumed-up in 'Anna Karenina' and 'A Dangerous Method', 'The Sweeney' on the big screen, and little hairy fellas in 'The Hobbit'. That's 2012 in a nutshell, as the cinema industry anticipates a tough year thanks to such minor distractions as the Olympics. But I'm contractually obliged to deliver a further 1200 words. So here's a month-by-month breakdown with the usual caveat: all release dates are subject to change.

January/February

We're still knee-deep in awards bait during late January and early February. Three films stand out. Seven years on from 'Sideways', Alexander Payne returns with the excellent The Descendants (Jan 27), starring George Clooney as a Hawaiian land baron struggling to reconnect with his daughters and come to terms with his late wife's infidelity. Roman Polanski's agreeably nasty Carnage (Feb 3) explores the unpleasantness lurking beneath the surface of polite middle-class life as two sets of parents (Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz, Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly) meet up to sort out a case of playground bullying, whereupon things turn very ugly indeed. And how can you go wrong with David Cronenberg directing a Christopher Hampton script about the birth of psychoanalysis, with Michael Fassbender as Jung and Viggo Mortensen as Freud? A Dangerous Method (Feb 10, pictured above) also offers Keira Knightley the opportunity to do some serious howling as Jung's sexually repressed Russian patient/conquest.

Speaking of sex, there's no shortage of that - and copious nudity - in House of Tolerance (Jan 27), which focuses on life in a late 19th century Paris brothel. According to whoever wrote the Toronto Film Festival's over-excited preview, the film "immerses us in this long-abandoned world, awash with opium, champagne and the inevitable rush of semen." Mmm… rushing semen. An entirely different view of Paris is offered in A Monster in Paris (Jan 27) - an animation about, um, a giant musical flea.

Literary adaptations? Stephen ('Billy Elliot') Daldry directs Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock in post-9/11 drama Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (Feb 3). The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (Feb 24) might as well book in a six-week residency at the Orpheus and Little Theatre cinemas right now, being an adaptation of Deborah Moggach's novel about a bunch of retirees (Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Tom Wilkinson, etc) enjoying a twilight years adventure in a rundown Indian hotel. Pawel Pawlikowski does Douglas Kennedy's Paris-set novel The Woman in the Fifth (Feb 17), in which a fleeing college lecturer (Ethan Hawke) encounters a mysterious widow (Kristin Scott Thomas) who may or may not be a murderer. This is not to be confused with the new version of ghostie story The Woman in Black (Feb 10), boasting Daniel Radcliffe's first post-Potter role.

Star Wars Episode 1 gets that 3D makeover on Feb 9, while The Muppets reunite on Feb 10 (pictured below). Least eagerly anticipated film of the month? Jack and Jill (Feb 3), with mirthless Adam Sandler in two roles - a bloke and his twin sister. Will the laughter never start?

March

Two biggies this month. The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists (March 28) is the new stop-motion animation from Aardman. Peter Lord directs and the starry voice cast is headed by that scourge of the tabloids himself, Hugh Grant. The 15 minutes we've seen are hilarious. Snow White (March 16) is the first of this year's rival bashes at the Grimm brothers' fairytale and is the more kid-friendly version. Julia Roberts plays the evil queen and camps it up a storm in the trailer. Being directed by Tarsem Singh, it's bound to look fabulous too. More adult-oriented is Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (March 2), with Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton as the now-adult siblings who've overcome their Gingerbread House trauma by becoming freelance witch slayers. Still with fantasy, 'WALL•E' director Andrew Stanton's live-action debut, the long-gestating John Carter 3D, finally pitches up on March 9. The amusingly named Taylor Kitsch stars as Edgar Rice Burroughs' rufty-tufty hero, who arrives on Mars to find it populated by giant warring barbarians. There's more Edgar in The Raven (March 9), though as the title suggests, this one's Poe. It's a fictionalised account of his last days, with John Cusack in the lead role.

Together at last: Robert Pattinson and Christina Ricci in an adaptation of Guy de Maupassant's novel Bel Ami (March 2). If that doesn't excite you, how about a film version of '80s TV show 21 Jump Street (March 16)? Or a sequel to 'Clash of the Titans' - Wrath of the Titans 3D (March 30)? We'll move on…

April

It's the Return of the Ageing Lunks! Take your pick from Sly Stallone in Bullet to the Head or Bruce Willis in The Cold Light of Day. Both creak into cinemas on April 13. James Cameron's Titanic gets retro-fitted in 3D on April 6, while your 3D Marvel comicbook adaptation needs are met by The Avengers 3D (April 27), promisingly directed by Joss Whedon. (Note for the confused and/or uninitiated: this is nothing to do with the 1998 Ralph Fiennes flopbuster of the same title.) Desperate sequel of the month: American Pie: Reunion (April 6)

May

Blockbuster season gets into gear with Tim Burton's adaptation of the cult US TV series Dark Shadows (May 11). Who could resist a film about a vampire played by Johnny Depp, with a cast that includes Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, Christopher Lee, Alice Cooper and - no, really - Helena Bonham Carter? Sacha Baron Cohen returns in The Dictator (May 18). Larry ('Bruno') Charles directs him as a heroic despot. Who writes such stuff? Well, it's loosely based on the novel 'Zabibah and the King' by the late Saddam Hussein. John Hillcoat and Nick Cave team up again for Wettest County (May 4) - a Depression-era bootlegging drama with Tom Hardy and Gary Oldman. Desperate sequel of the month (though let's not pre-judge it, eh?): Men in Black 3 3D (May 25).

June

Ridley Scott's eagerly anticipated return to science fiction, Prometheus 3D (June 1), has a cast that includes Noomi Rapace and Michael Fassbender, and concerns itself with nothing less than a battle at the edge of the universe to save the human race. On the same day, Snow White and the Huntsman (pictured above) casts Twilight sulker Kristen Stewart as Snowy, who, in this version, is protected by the huntsman sent to kill her. Bryan Singer reworks another fairytale in Jack the Giant Killer 3D (June 15) - a modern-day version in which the fragile peace between men and giants is broken when Jack (Nicholas Hoult) ventures into the giants' kingdom to rescue a kidnapped princess. Least eagerly anticipated sequel of the month: G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation (June 22).

July

If you can still work up any excitement about Batman and Spider-Man, they're both pitching up this month. The Amazing Spider-Man 3D (July 4) is yet another 'reboot', this time with Andrew Garfield as the dweeby Peter Parker. More promisingly, Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale reunite for The Dark Knight Rises (July 20), with Tom Hardy in the baddie role as the terrorist Bane. For kiddies, Ice Age: Continental Drift (July 6) keeps the Scrat and chums franchise ticking over, while Zac Efron and Taylor Swift provide the voices for Dr Seuss' The Lorax 3D (July 27), from the guys who gave us 'Despicable Me'.

August

Keira Knightley gets corseted up for the latest Anna Karenina (Aug 7), which reunites her with 'Atonement' director Joe Wright. Tom Stoppard assumes scripting duties. Set in a mythical Scotland, Brave 3D (Aug 17) sees Pixar attempting to recover its animation crown after the mediocre 'Cars 2'. Russian director Timur Bekmambetov helms the self-explanatory mash-up Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (Aug 2). Jason Bourne is gone but his name lives on in The Bourne Legacy (Aug 17) as Matt Damon passes the baton to Jeremy Renner for the start of a new series of films set in Robert Ludlum's CIAland. Unwanted remake of the month: Total Recall (Aug 22), with Colin Farrell in the Arnie role.

September-December

Gorblimey! Nick ('The Football Factory') Love does The Sweeney (Sept 21), with Ray Winstone as Jack Regan. Mercifully, there's no sign of Danny Dyer in this one. Oliver Stone lightens up with pot-growing comedy Savages (Sept 28). In his second film of the year, Tim Burton remakes his own animated spooky short Frankenweenie 3D (Oct 5), with a voice cast that includes Winona Ryder. The big Bond flick, now titled Skyfall, arrives on Oct 26 and should dominate the box office until Nov 16, when inconsolable 14-year-old girls flock to cinemas to witness the last drops being milked from the Twilight franchise in Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2. And what will you be watching next Christmas? Why Peter Jackson's The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey 3D (Dec 14), of course.

Copyright Robin Askew 2012