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The good, the bad, the ugly, the hairy, the scary… Robin Askew offers a scattergun assessment of his year at the movies.
Rising Stars
Two obvious choices this year - one of each gender (the po-faced Grauniad now forbids us to use the word 'actress', apparently). Ryan Gosling demonstrated his action man credentials in 'Drive', was a suave seducer in 'Crazy, Stupid, Love' and stole 'The Ides of March' from under George Clooney's smug snout (pictured above). Perennial sidekick Kristen Wiig got off to a flying start with scene-stealing creationist Ruth Buggs in 'Paul'. She then co-wrote and starred in the funniest comedy of the year: 'Bridesmaids'.
Falling Star
That'll be Natalie Portman. She started 2011 bagging an Oscar for 'Black Swan'. Then it was downhill all the way, as Ashton Kutcher's f*ckbuddy in 'No Strings Attached' and with a gratuitous nude scene in mirthless comedy 'Your Highness'.
Year of the Documentary
Is it just us or do cinema documentaries keep getting better and better? This year's unexpected box office hit was Senna, which achieved the near-impossible by making sport interesting, as did Fire in Babylon and TT3D. Arthouse went 3D with Pina and Cave of Forgotten Dreams. Project Nim was the most moving doc, Inside Job the most informative, Tabloid the funniest, Into Eternity the scariest, and Bobby Fischer Against the World (pictured) the weirdest.
Worst Film
So many choices, so little space. Most irritating film would be The Future. Least mirthful comedy was Zookeeper - essentially a film about a fat bloke who falls over a lot (watch out Jack Black: your career's heading this way). Then there's turkey veteran Catherine Hardwicke's risible, emo-ish Red Riding Hood, but that gave us the unintended pleasure of Amanda Seyfried wearing the Mask of Shame and Gary Oldman barking: "Lock him up in the elephant!" So the award goes to the jaw-dropping Hollywood terminal arse cancer flick A Little Bit of Heaven, in which goner Kate Hudson discovers that god is Whoopi Goldberg sitting on a white leather sofa atop a cloud. We're still getting over this one.
Local Heroes
It's a big 'Welcome Back!' to Aardman for the 3D hit Arthur Christmas. Mercifully, we won't have to wait another six years for their next feature because The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists is out in March. While we're at it, let's hear it for Clevedon, which enjoyed a starring role in (and pride of place on the poster for) Never Let Me Go. An honourable mention also goes to Bristol-based Gemma Atwal for her excellent documentary, Marathon Boy.
Most Unexpected Pleasant Surprise
We'd written off perennial 'star of the future' Matthew McConaughey until the hugely enjoyable The Lincoln Lawyer came along. Runner-up: Jane Eyre. On paper yet another unpromising stab at Charlotte Bronte, with an unlikely director and bizarre cast. But cynicism melted away when we saw how good it was.
Silliest Nicolas Cage Performance
Always a closely fought contest this, given prolific Nic's output. First we howled with laughter at Season of the Witch (hairpiece status: shaggy), in which he transported a possessed babe to a remote monastery. Then there was the enjoyably preposterous Drive Angry (hairpiece status: blond), which saw him charging out of Hell. But neither could top home invasion flick Trespass (hairpiece status: short back'n'sides), in which he got to shout at Nicole Kidman: "Your filthy lust invited them in!"
So Bad They Made It Twice
Hey, let's make a crappy teencom with that woman from 'Black Swan', in which two attractive young people get together purely for sex but wind up - awww! - falling in lurrve. No, better yet - let's make two of them with the same plot and release them within six months of one another. Ladies and gentlemen: No Strings Attached (starring Natalie Portman) and Friends With Benefits (starring Mila Kunis).
Most Gratuitous Bathtub Sequence
Hilary Swank in 'The Resident'. You're all alone in a spooky, creaky new flat and you begin to suspect that you're being watched. What do you do? Why, pile into the tub and pleasure yourself, obviously.
Most Alarming Bathtub Sequence
Bill Bailey in 'Chalet Girl'. Yes - he really is hairy all over.
Worst Casting
Squeaky clean Gwyneth Paltrow as a washed-up, alcoholic country singer in 'Country Strong'.
Best DIY Tip of the Year
Girls - if you want to pass yourself off as a boy, simply fashion yourself a nice willy out of plasticine and stuff it down your pants. But don't, whatever you do, go swimming with it in place. Thanks to Tomboy for that one.
Best Uglying-Down as a Toothless White Trash hag
Juliette Lewis in 'Conviction'
Biological Mystery of the Year
How, exactly, does EB manage to eat carrots and shit jellybeans in Hop?
3D Flop of the Year
Mars Needs Moms. Budget: $150m. US opening weekend: $8m. Cue: lots of headlines about the death of gimmicky 3D. We can but dream…
Best Demonically Possessed Red-Eyed Mule of the Year
The demonically possessed red-eyed mule in The Rite
Best Ken Loach Movie Not Actually Directed by Ken Loach
Oranges and Sunshine by Ken's son, Jim
Best Remake
True Grit
Worst Remake
Arthur, The Thing, Straw Dogs…
Best Motion Capture Performance by Andy Sirkis
Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Worst Motion Capture Performance by Andy Sirkis
Captain Haddock in The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn
UK Box Office Top Ten 2011
The official top ten of the year isn't announced until, er, the end of the year. But we can make a pretty good stab at it, with certain provisos. Our ludicrously early deadlines mean that Arthur Christmas and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 can't be included, though both are likely to figure in the chart. Happy Feet 2 and Puss In Boots are both on the horizon too. Johnny English Reborn is also still on release and might be expected to climb a little higher. The big surprise is the success of The Inbetweeners Movie. The most pleasant surprise is the success of Bridesmaids. And the most depressing news is the success of The Hangover Part II and Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 £72.7m
2. The Inbetweeners Movie £44.8m
3. The King's Speech £44.4m
4. The Hangover Part II £32.8m
5. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides £32.8m
6. Transformers: Dark of the Moon £27.9m
7. Bridesmaids £22.7m
8. Rise of the Planet of the Apes £20.5m
9. Tangled £20.2m
10. Johnny English Reborn £19.0m
Movie Dialogue of the Year
"Sooner or later every day is like pushing an avocado through a cheese grater. You feel like you're holding shit." - Dustin Hoffman on marriage in Barney's Version
"Why does everyone expect me to do that? What am I going to learn from an ass?" - Paul the alien on anal probes in Paul (pictured)
"I found a book on teenage paranoia during a routine search of my parents' bedroom" - Oliver Tate (Craig Roberts) in Submarine
"It always pleases me to see her perform this physical act. Her ears lie back, her head cranes forward, and a mild meditative look settles on her face." - J.R. Ackerley (Christopher Plummer) on Tulip the dog's defecation habits in My Dog Tulip
"You're gonna give me your dong, Dale!" - Jennifer Aniston gets sexually aggressive in Horrible Bosses
"I'm Irish, sir - it's part of my culture" - Sergeant Gerry Boyle's (Brendan Gleeson) wounded response on being accused of racism in The Guard.
Words of Wisdom
Choice quotes from a year's worth of Venue film interviews
"My head is in my hands about it. This extraordinary division we make between language and violence and sex I find hugely disturbing…The context of the swearwords is, (a) it was done in the 1940s and we are now in 2010, (b) it’s therapeutic, and (c) it’s not being used to describe anyone… and it’s funny!" - Tom Hooper on 'The King's Speech' being given a 15 certificate by the censor. On appeal, this was changed to 12A, with a unique line of appended 'consumer advice': 'Contains strong language in a speech therapy context'.
"Usually when you make a movie, doors open. The ballet world really couldn't care. I think they're just very, very insular and self-involved." - Director Darren Aronofsky on the difficulties of making 'Black Swan'.
"'Cowboys and Aliens' seems to be the kind of movie people go to these days and I'm delighted to be involved in one of those… It was great to be outside all day on a horse. And I play a grumpy old man " - Harrison Ford works up a modicum of enthusiasm for his summer blockbuster
"Why get pissed off about such things? If 10 million people watch you one night in a single show, for the same 10 million people to see you in a 1,000 seat theatre doing a play which you think is the best thing you've ever done, it would take ten years. It would be different if people came up to me and said, 'You were in 'Dad's Army', weren't you? That was crap.'" - Slapstick guest Ian Lavender on why he doesn't get too annoyed when people shout "Stupid boy!" and "Don't tell him, Pike!" at him.
"I cry all the time. It's my modus operandi" - Carey Mulligan on all the blubbing in 'Never let Me Go' (pictured)
"One of my favourites was 'tit burgers'. 'Get away from me, you stupid vaginas!' is also a good one, I think." - Simon Pegg on coming up with novel swear words for Kristen Wiig's scene-stealing creationist in 'Paul'
"The character's a cheeky little sod and so's he. So it works really well. We saw a lot of Asian boys where just the process of swearing is tricky. Whereas it comes pretty easily to Aqib." - Director Andy DeEmmony on casting 16-year-old Aqib Khan in 'West Is West'
"Like with their Vietnam films, I think the danger is that they see it as an American tragedy. When somebody dedicates a film about the Iraq War to the American soldiers, you know that you're going to be on the opposite side." - 'Route Irish' director Ken Loach on American films about the Iraq War
"Children come over to me in airports and that's how they know me. When I'm on subways in New York, the, let's just say, lower echelons of society know me from the Chucky movies. I like to cover audiences at both ends." - John Waters on fall out from being on 'The Simpsons'
"I think most of the trouble with religious teachings is where people with very literal-minded tendencies take literally religious writings that were supposed to be understood metaphorically. When you have the followers of a religion assuming that the founder of the religion was speaking in a way that's as simple-minded as the way their own minds work, then I think you've got a recipe for disaster." - John Cleese on the evergreen 'Life of Brian'
"I've never had a horrible boss. But I have had really remarkably stupid bosses. And that is frustrating because you think, 'How did you get this job?' And then you realise, 'Oh right, you’re the son of…'" - Kevin Spacey, star of 'Horrible Bosses'
"The moment he's born, he's in a cage. He's like a guest in our world, and a guest that we don't treat terribly well. The film starts with a baby being taken away from its mother. Not much good can come of that." - James Marsh on Nim the chimp in 'Project Nim'.
"They are definitely stupid. I just wanted them to be depicted like animals in fear. I wanted you to sense the human quality, but if they became too human we couldn't dare kill them. Suddenly the film would have a different tone." - Director Andre Ovredal on the pleasingly lumbering and stupid trolls in his 'Troll Hunter'
"I really don't buy romance very much. I think it's one of the things kids are least interested in, frankly. So I never quite understand the love story element. I don't know quite who it's for or why it's considered a required thing." - Director Sarah Smith on why there's no romance in 'Arthur Christmas'
Copyright Robin Askew 2011
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