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Riots, the Jo Yeates murder, recession, unaffordable housing, savage government cuts… Wait! Come back! 2011 wasn’t all bad, you know. Eugene Byrne unearths some good bits from the ongoing sludge of economic depression.

BRISTOL

2011 in Bristol, then... Two big riots, a smaller riot, some local elections, some care home scandals, two sensational murder cases in the national headlines, and some gorillas. Hey, the gorillas were great, weren’t they?

Some years, you just get a full-on news overload and 2011 was one of the best ever. As it was in Bristol, so it was in the wider world, with everything from the Arab Spring to British riots, the Japanese tsunami and the world's financial system crashing into a brick wall, then backing up the wreckage, and crashing into the wall again, and again, and again.

Despite all these huge global events, and quite a lot of momentous stuff happening even in our little corner, any outsider would get the impression that the only thing of any consequence here was one single tragic death.

The case of Joanna Yeates filled more column inches and airtime in the national media than anything else in Bristol this year. More than the riots, more than the abuse of residents in privately-run care homes, more than Occupy Bristol, more even than the strange downfall of arrogant and unapologetic defence minister and local (-ish) MP Liam Fox. And more than the ongoing saga of the extradition to South Africa of Shrien Dewani to face allegations of murdering his wife.

Ah, but Jo Yeates was not your normal killing. Young, educated, attractive, blonde, she had a career, plans for marriage to a devoted boyfriend, she lived in posh Clifton – and the killer's identity was not immediately apparent.

Her body was found on Christmas Day 2010, and Vincent Tabak was convicted of her murder at the end of October. For a couple of months, Avon & Somerset Police were under desperate pressure, and didn't always get it right. At one point they even tried to ban an ITN news crew from their press conferences because someone in the chain of command didn't like their criticism of the handling of the case.

In a year in which the reputation of the British press sank to unprecedented lows with ongoing revelations about phone hacking, the Yeates case made things even worse. When her landlord Chris Jeffries was arrested as part of the investigation, the rags fell over each other to name and judge him. When he was eliminated from the investigation, his lawyers took several papers to the cleaners.

This is the point at which liberals sagely stroke their beards and murmur about how evil the tabloids are, telling lies to the honest British public and serving the sinister financial and political interests of press barons …

Really?

The red tops do this stuff because it sells papers, because a sizeable section of the Great Brutish Public turn out to be angry, twisted savages with a boundless appetite for prurience. And when they've feasted, they get online. The most vindictive Glenda Slag in Fleet Street couldn't come up with some of the bile that the troll army anonymously post on the web.

Joanna Yeates’s boyfriend Greg Reardon (pictured, right) put out a very poignant statement about what the loss meant to him, and went on to say: “The finger pointing and character assassination by social and news media of as-yet innocent men has been shameful. It has made me lose a lot of faith in the morality of the British Press and those that spend their time fixed to the Internet in this modern age.” (Our italics.)

Reardon showed more dignity, courage and generosity of spirit than most people in his situation could ever hope to muster. Let’s hope it helps him through his godawful experience. Meanwhile, he's set up a justgiving page to collect money from well-wishers for the Missing People charity. See www.justgiving.com/joannayeates if you fancy helping.

The other thing that got Bristol the most national media attention in 2011 was, of course, riots. While cities across England were convulsed by massive street disorder and looting over the summer, Bristol – as always! – got in there first. In April we had two successive weekends of disorder on and around Stokes Croft. Bristol's copycat summer riots (St Pauls, spilling over into Cabot Circus) were weedy by comparison.

Pundits locally and nationally said it was all about Tesco, it was all about unemployment, or a large class alienated from the mainstream political process, yadayadayada. Actually, all you can say for sure is that it was a bunch of stuff that happened. The first episode took place on an unseasonably warm Friday evening at pub chucking-out time when police officers, acting on information that they absolutely had to check, raided a squat on Stokes Croft looking for petrol bombs which they had been told were being prepared for use against the street's new and, among the radical and alternative classes, deeply unpopular branch of Tesco.

The following weekend, lots of kids descended on Stokes Croft from other parts of town, indeed some were riot tourists from whole other countries. Some were looking to take part in aggro, others just wanted to watch.

The Stokes Croft incidents were not really about wider political or economic issues; they could have happened anytime. From those who were actually there, you got a whole gamut of different views. If there was any constant, it was about defending an area which many take a great deal of pride in from (allegedly) heavy-handed policing, and/or having an unwanted corporate store foisted on them.

For politics and protest, you'd have to look to the local guerrilla activities of UKUncut, the old-skool marches and College Green speechifying of the Bristol & District Anti-Cuts Alliance and, of course, the Occupy Bristol camp. All of these movements have had widespread public support, and the camp's occupants include a much wider cross-section of the public than just the usual activist suspects. Several people at the camp say the coppers have been very friendly – because they're facing cuts and job losses as a result of the bankers' actions, just like everyone else. It is these movements which are a far more accurate reflection of Bristol’s alarm at the way things are going than those riots were.

And there is plenty to be alarmed about. House prices fell, though not enough to make them affordable to people who'd normally be on the ladder by now. At the same time, private sector rents started rising. According to Oxford Economics, average rents in the South West will rise from £448 a month in 2011 to £533 in 2016.

People are working longer hours for the same money, or shorter hours for less money, and precious few private sector workers have seen a pay-rise in many a year. In the greater Bristol area, though, there's around 21,000 people unemployed by now; 14,000 or so within the city boundaries. That's a rise of 20% on the previous year. Now try and find any economist who says it's not going to get worse in the coming 12 months.

Plenty will tell you things aren't as bad in Bristol as in a lot of other places, and our diverse economy and highly educated workforce puts us in a strong position to take advantage of the recovery, whenever the hell it comes. And only around 10% of the city's 18-24-year-olds are NEETs; youth employment may be soaring but it's not so bad here as most of those who aren't in jobs are in education. Yes, yes, it could all be much worse, but in work or not, nearly all of us are hurting.

The public service infrastructure is starting to fray as a result of government cuts; Bristol has to lop £70m off its spending in four years. The council is trying to balance its budget by cutting staff and privatising social care. This at the same time as TV screens were filled with sickening images of patients being abused at the privately-run Winterbourne care home (which is not in Bristol) while the same firm which owned it also closed its Rose Villa rehabilitation centre (which is) as a result of abuse allegations.

A cynic might say that the most vulnerable people who need local authority care are not a powerful political constituency, but stuff like this makes people mad as hell, and they blame the profit motive of the firms running these homes. And for many ordinary voters, who don't have the money to put themselves or their loved ones into decent places, this is a real worry.

There was a mild sense of crisis down the Council House, what with job losses, huge cuts in various social and educational services, such as in early intervention schemes to help problem families and youngsters (just imagine all the expensive problems that's piling up for the future). Mind you, nobody is objecting to the thinning out of some of the overpaid top management tier.

In local politics, though, it was business as per usual. The local elections came and went; under Bristol's bizarre system, only a third of the seats were up for grabs, Labour did well (not unexpectedly), and despite several furious attempts to disassociate themselves from Coalition cuts, the Lib Dems lost their overall majority. It was also one of those unusual local elections in which local issues were an important factor, in this case the Lib Dems' unpopular strategy of selling off various parcels of green space around the city.

The honourable member for Florida, the useless Shirley Brown (LD, Ashley) was finally removed/persuaded to stand down, hurrah. The Lib Dems lost Ashley to the Greens' Gus Hoyt, an eloquent and energetic campaigner (he's also one of the people behind the Bristol free bus scheme (www.freebus.org.uk)), meaning the Greens now have two councillors. Assuming he doesn't do something daft and impulsive, he could be quite a force in local politics in years to come.

Labour, meanwhile, well yep, business as per... The strategy appears to be sit back and let the votes roll in as the Tories nationally and Lib Dems locally make themselves more unpopular. If the result of the ill-tempered by-election in Southmead in September is anything to go by – Labour ousted the Lib Dems, leaving them in third place – it's a sound strategy. Shortly after the local elections, in one of those classic Labour backroom coups, popular leader Helen Holland was inexplicably deposed (by just one single vote, allegedly) by the charismatically-challenged Peter Hammond (pictured above). Well, they probably had some reason for this, but Bristol's Labour group do not look like a convincing administration for the near future, but then they don’t have to.

'Course it wasn't all bad. Plenty of things happened to cheer up some of us. The thing that cheered us here at Venue up most of all was the marvellous grassroots campaign on the streets and on tinternet to save Venue from closure. At a time when every other provincial UK city has long since lost its what’s on mag, we’re still in business. We love you all.

Admittedly there wasn't much cheer for Bristol City fans and club boss Steve Lansdown as the whole Ashton Vale saga dragged on with no resolution. It would be a brave City fan who would now bet on the new stadium ever being built on the site of what everyone thought was a former rubbish tip, but is actually one of the biggest town greens in England. Still, you've got to laugh.

Transport? More laughs there, eh? More people held meetings, more proposals were put forward, what with talk of getting the Portishead railway line up and running for commuters, or of slapping a workspace parking place tax, or whatever. Bus lanes, bendy buses, more talk of a revived metro system. Know what? Nobody can follow or understand any of this any more. Actually the biggest laugh of all was had by First Group directors and shareholders who put their bloody fares up YET AGAIN. The very nice Polish driver told me on the day though that they'd not had a pay rise in years. Oh, and First, in their profiteering rail company guise, started charging taxi drivers £300 a year for the privilege of picking up fares from Temple Meads.

One bit of excellent transport news was that passenger numbers using Bristol’s suburban Severn Beach Rail Line have increased by 80% in the last four years, meaning Bristol City Council could reduce the subsidy it pays to operator First Great Western (yes, them again) by half. It was a triumphant vindication for campaigners who worked in recent years to save and revive the line as a way of reducing road traffic.

There was good news on the education front, too, with continually improving GCSE results, which are pushing Bristol close to national averages. If you're new here, that might not sound all that great, but trust us, compared with 10 years ago, it's brilliant. In more good school news one of education secretary Michael Gove's beloved free schools opened in Bristol. This followed years of campaigning by middle-class parents in NW Bristol who didn't want their kids to go to any of the oiky state schools nearby. Moreover they really fancied having the rather nice old Victorian buildings of St Ursula’s school in Westbury-on-Trym for their free school, where there would be an "unashamedly" traditional curriculum (Latin). Well, it didn't quite work out like that; the school's intake was only half what was expected and it's now based permanently not in the lovely St Ursula’s, but, er, former government offices in, er, Southmead. Stop laughing at the back, there.

The free school, and every other secondary school, where there are currently a lot of surplus places, will be full up in a few years’ time anyway. Whatever you might think, Bristol's population is booming, the birth rate is soaring and there's a desperate shortage of primary school places, which despite cuts and everything, recently forced the government to stump up £18m to try and accommodate them all.

Some local industries are still doing well. Aviation giant Airbus has several fat orders on its books, securing jobs at Filton, where landing gear, fuel systems and wiring are made, for years to come. Airbus is also building a big new design and research centre at Filton. It won't create any more jobs to add to the 4,000 or so people it already employs there, but, says the firm, it demonstrates its continuing commitment to Bristol. Which is nice. And indeed a lot more cheering than the simultaneous news that weapons giant BAe Systems wants to sell the runway at Filton Airfield. Expect this one to run and run in the coming year. How do we hope to have an aerospace industry without a runway, and all that.

There was other good stuff, too. Chances are that in the years to come, the kids who will be filling all those surplus secondary school places will best remember 2011 for the gorillas that were all over town during the summer to mark the zoo's 175th birthday. Maybe some of the older kids will be inspired to take up spray cans by the spectacular transformation wrought on grey, gloomy, greasy old Nelson Street by some of the world's greatest graffiti artists for the See No Evil fest.

Then there was M Shed, finally opened in June after all those delays and cost overruns, and persuading 15,000 punters to queue up to get in over the first weekend alone. If you've not taken a look yet, do it soon. It'll be a bit quieter now, and it'll learn you all sorts of interesting stuff about Bristol's rich and colourful past. Like how the city has often had to cope with savage economic downturns before, and how our forebears also took to the street in protest against exploitation, unfairness and injustice and, more often than not, eventually triumphed.

BATH

As usual, the tourists came, people argued about traffic schemes and conservation, the saga of whether or not Bath RFC would build a new stadium at the Rec or not went on and on, aaannnd a world-famous figure who happens to live in or near Bath because it's so lovely came to switch on the Christmas lights. Er, that’s it, basically. Just like most other years.

One might be forgiven for thinking that world events, particularly the collapse of civilisation as we know it (copyright, all newspapers), had passed Bath by. The same thing probably happened in the 14th century, when Ye Bathe Chronicle, handwritten by a monk, probably led with headlines like "Half of world's population perishes horribly in Black Death... Innkeepers guild concerned at slight drop in visitor numbers... Market traders cheered at news of Yuletide illuminations with celebrity Lollard John Wycliffe being burned as heretic… Wife of Bath briefly displays ankle on glamorous Canterbury pilgrimage; shows ex-husband what he's missing."

Bath has gotten off lightly in the current economic and public spending downturn. There have been council and MoD job losses, B&NES announced two big rounds of cuts, but the tourist industry is holding up nicely and there’s even been an increase in day-trippers this year. The old Gainsborough Building, close to the Spa, is to be converted into a five-star hotel and spa complex, due to open in 2014.

Bath, though, is not rich and complacent enough to carry on as though nothing's happened. Sure, the Coalition's tearing up of the much-hated Regional Spatial Strategy, which would have forced the council to build thousands of new houses, has been widely welcomed. But the wider world is catching the old place up. It’s not always good and people don’t always like it.

In this year’s local elections the Lib Dems got hammered in Bristol, while in B&NES they gained three seats and the Tories lost three. ‘Course Labour went from no seats to five seats as well, but not in actual Bath. The council went from no overall control Tory-run to no overall control Lib Dem run. Perhaps people in Bath vote Lib Dem because there’s no point in voting Labour, or maybe because some of them genuinely are Lib Democrat, whatever that means. On coming to office, the Lib Dems unveiled another package of cuts, though it was smaller than the Tories’ package. This doesn’t mean Bath doesn’t have a radical edge; it does. There’s even been an Occupy Bath camp in Queen Square (it might still be there as you read this).

Work started on the vast Western Riverside, which, whatever anyone says, will substantially alter the city’s character and centre of gravity. Meanwhile, the council recently had to cave in to demands for planning permission for two Tesco stores (at the old Bath Press site on Lower Bristol Road, another at Windsor Bridge), while another just opened at Bear Flat. Stuff like this matters a lot in Bath, and it’s plain that while Bathonians might not riot like they did in Bristol, they are, as a whole, way madder than Bristolians about these stores being foisted on them.

The pages of the Bath Chronicle are now taking on a theme of concern at the loss of independent local business – restaurants, pubs and shops. Shopping was/is one of Bath’s great glories; where else in the area will you find such a convenient concentration of shops run by people who actually care about what they’re selling? But now the fear is that the corporate world is sinking its claws into the old place, and that’s not good. The Southgate Centre, with its assortment of all the usual chainstore fascias is nice, and its aggressive promotion brings the punters in, but everyone would much prefer independents.

… Places like the wonderful old music shop Duck, Son & Pinker. Which closed this year after continuously trading in the city since 1848. It had been trading at a loss for some years but had been supported financially by owner Leslie Fudge until his recent death. A statement said: “For many years the company had been supported by Mr Fudge personally, in his commitment to its survival as a matter of public service to the community and concern for the staff.”… That’s the Bath we all want, and are losing.

Still, not everything modern is crap, is it? The Holburne Museum finally reopened this year with its new extension out the back. A big blue glass cube stuck onto a Georgian building shouldn’t work, but by God it does. Old Lady Bath can get with the times when she feels like it.

HEADLINES OF THE YEAR

DRUNK MAN IN PARK ATTACKED HIS OWN DOG - Evening Post, 10 Jan

SWINDON RATED BELOW GRIMSBY IN SHOPPING LEAGUE TABLE - www.thisiswiltshire.co.uk, 19 Jan

LORRY DRIVER SLEEPS AS 9,600 BOTTLES OF LUCOZADE NICKED - www.thisisgloucestershire.co.uk, 7 Feb

GLOUCESTERSHIRE MAN FINDS FACE OF ET IN A PIECE OF WOOD - www.thisisgloucestershire.com, 26 Feb

FACEBOOK IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN GRAVITY - www.swns.com, 3 Mar

THE FOUNDATIONS OF EMPATHY ARE FOUND IN THE CHICKEN - Bristol University press release, 9 Mar

MP BACKS MARLBOROUGH LOLLIPOP LADY FIGHT - www.thisiswiltshire.co.uk, 16 Mar ("I'll wager my duck house on the one on the right." etc.)

COUPLE CAUGHT HAVING SEX OUTSIDE POLICE STATION ARE EXPECTING A BABY - www.thisisgloucestershire.co.uk

SIGNS O' THE TIMES

• An unemployed salesman from Bedminster put himself on eBay: 1965 model, he said, enthusiastic and motivated team player, 25 years' experience, "His preferred weapon of choice is a Mac however if necessary he will use a PC and he can also drive a bus."

• Dale Vince, former new age traveller and now boss of green energy firm Ecotricity, is also chairman of Forest Green Rovers FC at Nailsworth, Gloucestershire. He caused spluttering outrage in the much discriminated-against Bloke Community by banning hot dogs and pies from the Lawn Ground (as the hallowed turf at Nailsworth is called). Free-range white meat and fish (sourced sustainably, natch) are on offer instead.

• Electric cars can now drive between Exeter and Bristol after green energy firm Ecotricity opened a new charging point at Sedgemoor services on the M5, as part of the world’s first national electric car charging network. The “Electric Highway” now has charging points at Welcome Break motorway services on the M25, M40, M1, M4 and M5, all powered by green electricity from Ecotricity’s 53 windmills and solar farm.

• Local councils issued several warnings about clothing collections for bogus charities. You might think your ancient and unfashionable clobber isn't worth much, but it's now big business. If you get a collection bag through your letterbox, check carefully to see if it's from a proper charity… Meanwhile, one would-be thief climbed into a clothes recycling bin in a supermarket car park in Bradley Stoke, intending to steal the contents. CCTV footage showed the man being pushed into the bin by an accomplice, who then legged it when challenged by security staff. Meanwhile his mate was stuck in there for FOUR HOURS and was only freed when the fire brigade came and cut the top off the bin.

• More and more people are turning to loan sharks, according to the Bristol-based Illegal Money Lending Team, which covers the South West. It recorded a 700% increase in referrals since it was founded three years ago. In some urban areas of the region, up to 20% of low-income households have used, or are using, unlicensed money lenders.

• Bristol anarchists were holding fun sports and games sessions to get everyone in the peak of fitness for future demonstrations and actions including stretches, touch rugby and the extremely demo-relevant game of British Bulldogs.

• Bristol East Labour MP Kerry McCarthy became the first person to deliver a speech in the Commons using an iPad instead of notes on paper.

• There are now about 440,000 people living in Bristol. If the trend of the last 10 years continues, there'll be another 133,000 by 2028. This growth of 30% would be one of the highest in the UK.

• In April, dentist Dr Jonathan Hunt admitted seven charges of false accounting at Bristol Crown Court. Dr Hunt’s crime was to inflate claims for work, making false claims on former patients; some of these were dead, while another, whom he said was on benefits, was actually a premiership footballer. Judge Carol Hagen accepted that Hunt’s fraud was carried out in order to treat deprived patients at his practice in Stapleton Road, Easton and that he had not made any personal gains at all. Many of his patients were junkies or asylum seekers and he subsidized the practice staff from his own salary. Edward Burgess, defending, said: "He is fundamentally a very good, very decent man."

THE MARCH OF KNOWLEDGE

• Around 30% of women would be willing to exchange at least one year of their lives in order to achieve their ideal body-weight and shape, according to a survey by the Centre for Appearance Research at the University of the West of England. Some 320 women studying at 20 UK universities – average age 24.49 years – were questioned, with 1% even willing to trade 21 years or more of their lives. Other Faustian bargains some women would consider included: £5,000 of their annual salary (13%) or losing a promotion at work (8%).

• Bristol-based researchers for weapons conglomerate BAe Systems are developing "e-camouflage" or "electronic ink", a coating enabling military vehicles to blend in, chameleon-like, with any background. They say they can even make a tank look like a cow.

• Bristol Uni has a new £2m facility to keep all its data safe. 'BluePeta' is so advanced it can hold one petabyte of stuff. In fact the equivalent of 20 million four-drawer filing cabinets filled with text or 13.3 years' worth of high-definition video footage. This is to "safeguard the research data assets of the University of Bristol," they say. Bet it's running really slowly in about six months' time, and it probably won't be able to run the new release of Grand Theft.

• Research from the University of the West of England showed women footballers can take more pain than men. Sociologist John Bird, head of the research team, said: “I found that girl and women players often minimise pain and injury when they talk about injuries they have had. They believe they have to ignore injuries, for example, to keep their place on the team or to support the team.”

• Archaeologists revealed that remains of three human skulls recovered from Gough's Cave in Cheddar had been worked in such a way that they were probably used as drinking cups. Cheddar has long been a treasure trove of human remains from prehistoric times, and has already yielded plenty of evidence of cannibalism among the Cro Magnon hunter-gatherers who lived there over 10,000 years ago. Any suggestions that there are certain pubs in Cheddar where they still eat people and drink from their skulls are without foundation. Probably.

• Bristol University's School of Veterinary Sciences proudly announced it had bought two artificial sets of cow innards for students to practice on. You know, that James Herriot thing of shoving a whole arm in? Well, "Breed'n Betsy" means that "practical teaching of the internal anatomy of a cow can be achieved using this rectal simulator" and no more real cows need to be violated in the name of veterinary training. The simulators are metal frame structures that have a latex "back-end" of a cow through which students may insert a gloved, lubricated hand and feel latex model uteri, ovaries and cervixes. Mike Steele, one of the school's academics, said: "The first rectalling class with a new group of students is very much more successful."

• A government TV ad encouraging people to become teachers had a mistake in. In the ad, set in a classroom, the algebra on the whiteboard was all wrong. This was spotted by a 15-year-old from Bristol, Chris Coombs, a year 10 at John Cabot Academy.

• All the world's gold and platinum ore came from space, according to Bristol Uni boffins. Earth's great big Golden Shower took place over four billion years ago when loads of meteorites fell when the planet was being formed. Molten iron sank to the Earth's core, dragging huge amounts of precious metal with it. Now there's enough loot in the core to coat the entire planet with a layer of bling four metres thick.

BUSINESS IS BUSINESS

• In the New Year's Honours, the man who supervised the sale of Cadbury to Kraft was knighted for "services to British industry". The firm was sold to American food giant Kraft who loaded the firm with debt and immediately broke their pledge to keep the Keynsham factory open, but Roger Carr left the company with a £4 million package after the sale, and was knighted in the New Year's Honours. He is now running gas supplier Centrica. The last chocolate bar to be made at the Somerdale plant, a Double Decker, came off the conveyor belt at the beginning of the year. The factory had been open since the 1920s and the move ended a continuous history of almost 200 years of chocolate manufacture in the area.

• Bristol-based Imperial Tobacco reported better-than-expected results following a "difficult" year which saw disappointing sales due to fewer people smoking in Europe and Russia. Now, though, there's been strong growth in Eastern Europe, Africa and the Middle East. CEO Alison Cooper has increased dividends, while a market analyst told the press: "We think the market will be reassured by the improved volume performance and the earnings and dividend upgrade." Fantastic news, really. And any idea that future generations will judge us as harshly for this as for the opium wars is pure nonsense.

• The classy Hooters “family restaurant” in Bristol faced fresh calls for its closure following allegations that a "boob cake" was served at a birthday party for a 12-year-old.

• Beach volleyball players, Bath-based Zara Dampney and Shauna Mullin put their arses up for sale, securing a sponsorship deal with betting firm Betfair which is to put matrix barcodes on their bikini bottoms. "There is huge interest in beach volleyball and we want to ensure that our advertising campaign is seen and remembered by as many sports fans as possible,” said a statement from Betfair.

HELLO TO...

• M Shed, now open, after all those years dogged by delays and cost overruns.

• Cabot Tower, open for spitting contests once more.

• The West of England's new Local Enterprise Partnership, the new Coalition quango to replace the old Labour quango. Its job is to attract £1bn in investment in the next five years and "deliver" 95,000 jobs by 2030. Good luck with that.

• Bristol Blue taxis. All the licensed Hackney cabs had to go blue by mid-2011. And right smart they look, too.

• Bristol's first residents parking zone in Kingsdown. Contrary to the jeremiads of petrolheads, the world has not ended, and the overwhelming majority of residents rather like it.

• The new Bristol Music Trust, running Bristol's council-owned Colston Hall and briefed to develop wider participation in music in the city. But it's not going to change the venue's name, even though it's named for a slave trader and Anglican bigot.

• Bristol's Bridge Valley Road, open again after 18 months and £2m worth of repairs to stop it all falling into a hole in the ground. It's great to be stuck in those commuting-time jams once more.

• Otters! There are otters living in Bristol’s Floating Harbour. Council conservation officers plan to ensure they're protected from development work and see the Harbour (which now supports healthy populations of roach, bream and perch) is kept nice and clean.

• The Bristol & Bath Science Park at Emersons Green, now open and intended to bring together scientific and technical boffinry from the universities with the private sector to create profitable new businesses. The opening ceremony included the unveiling of three glass sculptures by local artist Luke Jerram representing the HIV and smallpox viruses, and some speculative future mutation. Doesn't sound altogether positive, unless someone's planning a germ warfare factory there, but best of luck to it anyway.

FAREWELL THEN...

• Casualty

• Legendary and larger-than-life Colston Hall boss Graeme Howell

• Dick King Smith, war hero, farmer, teacher, children's author and all-round lovely bloke, died in January aged 88. The best known of a load of children's books he produced (all after the age of 50) would have to be ‘The Sheep Pig’, which was filmed as 'Babe' (1995). He lived near Keynsham for most of his life at a home just a couple of miles from where he was born.

• Speed cameras that are actually working.

• Any chance of owning a house if you're under 40 and on less than eight million a month.

• Manhole covers, copper cabling and church roof lead.

• Jobs.

FOOLISHNESS

• Self-styled shaman, healer and homeopath Peter Aziz got 15 months at Bristol Crown Court for giving ayahuasca, a Class A drug, to people attending one of his "healing workshops" (£100 each, please) in Weston-super-Mare. Some attendees were violently ill, while some others had terrifying hallucinations. Among the claims Aziz made for the brew was that it can help cancer sufferers.

• A group of five youngsters, with their hoods up, and armed with bricks, assembled outside the Tesco Express store in Calne, Wiltshire on the night of Tuesday 9 August, bent on some copycat looting. They proceeded to try and smash their way in, but hadn't quite grasped the fact that the hoodies they'd seen on telly smashing shop windows were doing so because the shops were closed. The Calne Tesco Express, on the other hand, was still very much open, and as the five would-be looters were banging away at the plate glass, bemused Tesco shoppers were coming and going through the shop doors.

•  “I think I’m scarred for life after that experience – NEVER again! Well, not unless I put on about 20 stone, get loads of tattoos, dye my hair red, take up smoking and wear the skimpiest clothes with my arse hanging out. Saying that… we still managed to get £400 out of the great unwashed, so maybe we shouldn’t be quite so mean! They obviously didn’t realise how much of their precious handouts they were giving away! Think how many packs of fags they could have bought for that! The whole place needs to be picked up and put further north – it would fit in better, and stop being a blot on the south western landscape.” That was Muriel Baudin, 37, posting to her mates on Facebook after a day spent in Weston-super-Mare collecting for armed forces charity Help for Heroes. She didn’t realise that everyone in the world could see it and later apologised to Weston. Help for Heroes immediately disowned her comments.

• Bristol Magistrates heard how James McInerney, 18, went into Quigley's takeaway in Bristol city centre at 4.30am on 21 February wearing only fishnet tights, a torn T-shirt and a handbag. Jeremy Oliver, prosecuting, said: "When he was challenged about the way he was exposing himself he started shouting and being threatening… The defendant repeated threats of stabbing people over several minutes.” The court heard that CCTV footage showed the defendant exposing his genitalia and waving them round. McInerney pleaded guilty to using threatening, abusive or insulting words and behaviour. He was fined £100, plus a £15 victim surcharge and ordered to pay £85 costs. "My client is an idiot," Will Palmer, defending, told the court.

LAW ‘N’ ORDER

• Gary Harrop broke into the Taunton home of Nicola Phillips, but, having taken 11 Valium tablets beforehand, fell asleep in the conservatory, surrounded by several of Ms Phillips's possessions. He was sentenced to 15 months after pleading guilty at Taunton Crown Court. Wouldn't it have been far better if the homeowner had shaved his eyebrows and written some silly things on his face and posted the lot on the web?

• Yeovil Magistrates were told how Joshua Bonehill-Paine, 18, used his Conservative Party membership card to break into Chard police station, where he took various items of police uniform as well as body-armour, handcuffs and a baton. He was challenged at 3.20am by a constable who saw him standing outside the station wearing a police issue jacket and balaclava. When asked where he got the items, he reportedly said: "Your security is shit. I got in with my card." He then assaulted two officers as they arrested him. The former public schoolboy admitted burglary and assault and got a 12-month community order to include 100hrs unpaid work and supervision by the probation service.

LOVE – IN ALL ITS FORMS

• Bristol couple Kalli Buchan and Gareth Pritchard held their wedding do at the Union Street branch of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Ms Buchan's parents, who married in 1989, apparently had their reception at McDonald’s for budgetary reasons, and now it's started a family tradition. Mr Pritchard told reporters: "It's just something different and the manager at the restaurant was very happy for us to be there." Quite right, too. Maybe the recession will see more Big Fat Fat Weddings and Kentucky Brides.

• The Evening Post uncovered a fetish club in a house in Clifton where visitors pay £25 a time. Apparently your admission fee "includes a buffet and tea or coffee".

• Pomegranate Boutique on Park Street, Bristol, was promoting its French Letter condoms, made from ethically sourced natural latex from sustainably managed rubber plantations in India. They are also carbon-neutral.

THANKS FOR THE TWO DAYS OFF

Bristol coach firms which had organised trips to London for the royal wedding found they weren’t as popular as expected. Bakers Dolphin and Bugler Coaches both confirmed that they had called off planned excursions, while First Great Western said there'd not been any noticeable increase in ticket bookings for the big day. In March the Evening Post had appealed to readers planning to go to town on the day to get in touch, but only one person responded.

Some people responded appropriately, though. Plumber Baz Franks, 29, spent £1,000 on getting portraits of the royal couple tattooed on his teeth. Dr Neil Gerrard of the Clifton Dental Studio spent six hours painting the temporary artwork (apparently known as “gnasher tats”). “I love the Royal Family and this was my way of lending my support to their Big Day,” Mr Franks told reporters.

Wesley Hosie, 25, of Taunton made the papers when he bought some jelly beans and found one which, from a certain angle and in a certain light, looks like Kate.

A see-through dress designed by UWE fashion graduate Charlotte Todd and modelled by Kate Middleton at a charity fashion show in 2002 sold for £78,000 at auction in London last week. The buyer is an unnamed collector living in Jersey. Ms Todd said she and her husband would probably use the money to help them buy a house. The dress cost £30 to make.

Copyright Eugene Byrne 2011