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And so farewell to the Summer of 2011, dominated by national headline stuff like riots, phone-hacking, Libya, Japanese atomic meltdowns, financial collapses and the end of civilisation as we know it. So did that mean we missed out on the traditional summer "silly season" of daft stories? Of course not, says Eugene Byrne, our man interviewing a skateboarding parrot for the front page splash.

// “Mum crept back upstairs to wake up her boyfriend Dave who went downstairs with a baseball bat and prodded him. There was no response, so they called the police,” Nicola Phillips’s son told reporters.

Ms Phillips had been woken by her dog Tyson barking, got up and found Gary Harrop asleep in the conservatory of her Taunton home. Mr Harrop, 29, had broken into her house, but had taken 11 Valium tablets beforehand, and was now dreaming sweet dreams on the floor, surrounded by several of Ms Phillips’s possessions.

Harrop was sentenced to 15 months after pleading guilty at Taunton Crown Court. The court heard that he had 19 previous convictions, but this was his first dwelling burglary... Yeah, but wouldn't it have been far better if the homeowner and/or her boyfriend had shaved his eyebrows and written some silly things on his face and posted the lot on the web?

// The red-tops went mad for crime-fighting ninja Ken Andre, 33, discovered by C4 documentary ‘Superheroes of Suburbia’ patrolling the streets of Yeovil by night. He’s got all the ninja gear and wears a hearing aid so’s he can pick up sounds from far away. He claims to have settled several incidents of antisocial behaviour, and on one occasion left a wrong ’un tied to a lamp-post for the police to pick up. “I am a force for good and have been doing this for many years. I have walked down the streets and no-one has ever seen me – even in urban areas,” said the unemployed father of two. He is armed with a wooden staff and has developed a special roar which is good for dispersing crowds of youths. “I do not look for trouble. But if there’s a problem and I can help, I do it with my ability using minimum force,” he said.

An Avon & Somerset Police spokesman told swns.com: “We would never encourage people to take the law into their own hands or put themselves in danger.”

The same TV programme also featured ‘The Dark Spartan’ and sidekick ‘The Black Void’, patrolling the streets of Torquay on weekend evenings. The duo dress in black and carry police shields they bought on eBay. The Dark Spartan is a financial advisor and father of two by day, while the Black Void works – oh yes! – in a comic shop. The Void suffers from irritable bowel syndrome, which can cause him some trouble in sticky situations. The Dark Spartan began patrolling a few months ago after telling his wife Julie: “I’m off out tonight love to patrol the streets of Torquay and check out some crime.” She told the programme: “I wasn’t that surprised.”

// “He slid the card down in the door and it opened. There was no damage to the lock or the door. He went in firstly for the warmth and hoped to find a jacket. He said he had every intention to bring the clothes back in the morning,” Christine Hart, prosecuting, told Yeovil Magistrates.

The court heard how Joshua Bonehill-Paine, 18, used his Conservative Party membership card to break into Chard police station, where he took various items of police uniform as well as body-armour, handcuffs and a baton. He was challenged at 3.20am by a constable who saw him standing outside the station wearing a police issue jacket and balaclava. When asked where he got the items, he reportedly said, “Your security is shit. I got in with my card.” He then assaulted two officers as they arrested him.

The former public schoolboy had gone into the station earlier saying he had been thrown out of his hotel and asking for a lift home. The duty officer refused his request, but made him a cup of tea. The officer later left, locking the station behind him, but Bonehill-Paine succeeded in gaining entry with his card.

Admitting burglary and assault, he was sentenced to a 12-month community order to include 100hrs unpaid work and supervision by the probation service.

// Ian Magee, 63, of Williton in Somerset has caused a minor furore both in his community and among the petrolhead community by making a bird box painted to look just like a speed camera. After he became fed up with motorists breaking the 30mph limit outside his home he spent two weeks in his garage making the fake device, which he has put up in his garden, along with a proper CCTV camera to deter vandalism. Avon & Somerset Police have no problem with it as it’s on private land, but the town hall killjoys at West Somerset Council are looking into it as it doesn’t have planning permission. Meanwhile, Mr Magee told reporters that it’s had the desired effect: “It has been great so far and has convinced so many people. Even off-duty ambulances and police cars slow down when they see it.” He believed that bats might have started nesting in it, which would cause a huge problem for the council as they’re a protected species.

// HITLER'S BRISTOL INVASION PLANS yelled the front page of the Evening Post on 17 August. On account of a wartime German map of Bristol marking industrial sites, docks etc. going up for auction. The temptation to take that clip from ‘Downfall’ and do a YouTube of how much the Fuehrer had been looking forward to seeing the Banksy mural and visiting M Shed but those bastards at First Bus had put their fares up YET AGAIN was almost too much. Fortunately for you, we resisted it.

// “Pippa’s seared snapper... and why it makes her ‘an asset to any kitchen’: How Her Royal Hotness spent four weeks at a VERY select cookery school,” said the Daily Mail on 31 August. Apparently, Pippa Middleton had attended a cookery course in Somerset. Nine years ago. This story merited almost 900 words.

// A blue tit was eaten by a carnivorous plant. Nigel Hewitt-Cooper, who runs a nursery at West Pennard, Somerset, and has been breeding carnivorous plants for 30 years, was astonished to find that one of his pitcher plants had swallowed a tit. It’s thought that this is only the second time that such a plant has been recorded eating a bird anywhere in the world. “I think it must have leant in to pluck out an insect that was floating on the fluid inside, tipped in too far and become wedged and unable to get out,” he said.

// Right, this is a serious story… You remember US food conglomerate Kraft? Bought Cadbury’s. Sweetened the takeover deal by promising to keep the Cadbury factory at Keynsham open. Broke their promise the minute the deal was signed. Kraft boss Irene Rosenfeld was too busy to appear before a House of Commons select committee to explain herself. Now it turns out they’ve cut the number of sweets in a tin of Roses by around 11, while keeping the price the same. The move is a result of rises in global cocoa prices, partly because of hedge funds buying up cocoa just to drive prices up.

// Beach volleyball players, Bath-based Zara Dampney and Shauna Mullin put their arses up for sale, securing a sponsorship deal with betting firm Betfair which is to put matrix barcodes on their bikini bottoms. “There is huge interest in beach volleyball and we want to ensure that our advertising campaign is seen and remembered by as many sports fans as possible,” said a statement from Betfair.

// Deborah Hunt, 43, was jailed at the beginning of September for driving down the M5 in the wrong direction for 23 miles. She was over twice the legal drink-drive limit. Bristol Crown Court was told that Hunt drove her partner’s Peugeot 806 onto the southbound carriageway of the M5 at Junction 24 near Bridgwater at 11pm. Realising she wanted to go northwards, she performed a U-turn from the slow lane to the fast lane, driving northwards up the carriageway at 60mph. Police finally caught up with her nearly three junctions later, when she performed a further U-turn, only stopping when the car ran out of diesel. Yeah, yeah, funny story, but only because she didn’t kill anyone… Sentenced to seven months for dangerous driving and a further two months for driving under the influence of alcohol, she was banned from driving for 15 months and told she would have to prove she was sober before her licence was returned.

// But the top story has to be the one about the summer riots in Calne, Wiltshire. It was in last month's Venue, but in case you missed it... A group of five youngsters, with their hoods up, and armed with bricks, assembled outside the Tesco Express store in the town on the night of 9 August for some copycat looting.

They proceeded to try and smash their way into the store, without having grasped the basic point that the hoodies they’d seen on telly smashing shop windows were doing so because the shops were closed. The Calne Tesco Express, on the other hand, was still open. As they were banging away at the plate glass, bemused shoppers were coming in and out of the automatic sliding doors.

They legged it when the police approached, but a number of suspects were soon arrested after finding their plans on Facebook.

AND IN OTHER NEWS

(The actual, like, important stuff that happened round here.)

// Grasping local private sector bus-monopoly First increased fares YET AGAIN. They used their well-established PR ruse to claim that some fares were going up, while some were going down. But you’ll find that for most people on most routes they’re mostly going up.

// Bristol City Council’s Liberal Democrat administration pressed on with the effective privatisation of home care services.

// One of Michael Gove’s beloved Free Schools has opened in north Bristol. It’s in old government offices in Southmead, but the pushy parents behind it want the old St Ursula’s site in posh Westbury-on-Trym. Private schooling at public expense, what?

// The row over public transport continues, with some people questioning the need for bendy buses in the first place. They’re better than ordinary non-bendy buses how?

// Multinational arms giant BAe Systems is planning to sell off Filton airfield for short-term profit (it’ll be houses, you wait and see). This will commence the long slow death of Bristol’s proud aerospace industry, providing highly skilled and well-paid jobs for 100 years. Or do you seriously believe you can have an aerospace industry without a bloody runway?

// The row over the City stadium and/or town green at Ashton Vale went on. And on.

// The gorillas were brilliant though, weren't they?

Copyright Eugene Byrne 2011