Get out the tent, slap on the sunblock, and bring your wellies - It's time to go to the newsagents for the This Week's Venue Festival with:

FESTIVAL GUIDE - Whether it's a summer of love, or a summer of mild drizzle, and whether you want to jerk around in a muddy field or watch morris dancing and bad poetry, our FREE guide has the fest for you.

BLOCKBUSTER PREVIEW - Warrior hordes, elderly archaeologists, dancing queens, Keira Knightley in period garb (twice), enough superheroes to keep the rubber pants industry busy for a decade ... There's something for everyone at the pictures this summer.

FESTIVAL OF IDEAS - With political and religious controversy all the way through to the philosophy of Monty Python, Bristol Festival of Ideas will get us all thinking.

PLUS - Robert Downey Jnr in 'Iron Man' ... The essential local book for parents ... Wine and Food Fair ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or the Council will demand that you paint your house Bristol Blue.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbour's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.
"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbour said.
"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!!"
(Thanks Jack)

When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the vicar and calmly said, "Well, she's arrived then".
(Thanks Peter)

A Polish guy, newly arrived in Britain, goes to apply for a driving licence. At the test centre, they tell him he has to take a sight test and come back with a certificate, so off he goes to the optician's, where he gets shown a card with the letters:
C
Z W
I X N O
S T A C Z.
"Can you read all that OK?" asks the optician.
"Read it?" says the Polish guy. "I went to school with him."
(Thanks BrAin)

Questions You Can't Answer
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If an unmanned stealth bomber crashes in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, will it make a sound?
- If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how powerful is a fax?
- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
- Why are wrong numbers never busy?
- What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
- If you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell him to go?
- Why do noses run and feet smell?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
- If a deaf child swears in sign language, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
- Just what was the best thing before sliced bread?
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
(Thanks HelZ)

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The officer approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I've lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes", and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard said I was speeding, too!"
(Thanks Maura)

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a lorry-load of timber for £100. His cost of production is four fifths of the price, so what is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a lorry-load of timber for £100. His cost of production is four fifths of the price, or £80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a lorry-load of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a lorry-load of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2008
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class discussion: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? There are no wrong answers.
(Thanks Bella. You win this week's star prize, one of them armless jackets, a promotional thingie for new movie Street Kings. Send us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. We're starting to suffering from a major "humour crunch" and if things carry on like this we're going to have to ask the government to give us jokes. Preferably without too many spam-sounding words in, and preferably ones we've not heard before. So don't delay – hit the REPLY button now and rub our inbox with your fingers of funnyness.

Surf!

The engineer's guide to cats www.youtube.com/watch
(Thanks Rachael)

Unusual homes unusuallife.com
(Thanks Jack)

One from the Onion. Funny. www.youtube.com/watch
(Thanks Nick.)

Where does your name come from? www.nationaltrustnames.org
(Thanks Ray)

Typical concert crowd. www.viruscomix.com/sympathiestotheband

Russian wedding pics fishki.net/comment.php?id=34235

"50 Best Cult Books" - interesting list. www.telegraph.co.uk/arts

Office pranks www.eyje.com/pictures

"RainbowPuke exists so that fans of puking rainbows have a place to make their collective voices heard ... you don't have to be an artist to join in the wave of multi-colored vomit that's sweeping the world."
www.rainbowpuke.com

Ouch! www.craigslist.org/about

Please remember to buy Venue. The management have threatened to swap us for a gallon of petrol if you don't.

You have been sent this email either because you asked to be added to the mailing list, or because you opted into the mailing list when taking out a free advert on the Venue website or because you gave us your address for mailings at an event, such as a university freshers' fair. See below for how to unsubscribe.

Cheers then.

..................................
::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
..................................