Venue. It's more than just a load of paper that's been messed up with ink and held together by two staples. It's more than just a thing on the newsagents' shelf in between the People's Friend and Kerrang. It's a feast, actually. On this week's Venue menue we have:
CHEAP EATS GUIDE - Want to eat like a king but pay like a pauper? Don't be silly. You can't do that. But with Venue's guide you can at least find the best restaurant, pub and café meal deals in town.
MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS - The ravens are circling for the latest hotly-tipped, easy-on-the-eye female soloist, who rides into town this week atop a wave of gushing press coverage and self-propelled industry expectation. Can she cut it?
PLUS - Bristol's flourishing LGBT scene ... Rosamund Pike as 'Hedda Gabler' ... Vintage fashions ... Bristol-born Hollywood director Kirk Jones interviewed ... 100 years of Aviation in Bristol ... Swedish 80s pop-rockers Europe ... Bath Literature Festival ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
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Wacky Races
"We also curate the walkabout entertainment at the Snowbombing Festival every year. We get to go over to Austria and hang out making a massive party on a mountain. Everyone goes over there from England basically, so it's a UK festival, just in Austria. We organise a road trip over there, with a hundred cars all battling their way across Europe, Wacky Races style. We're not allowed to call it a rally for various reasons, but it is a lot like a rally. We organise all these pit-stop games along the route, and we're trying to think of good ones that won't make the German police too annoyed with us - stuff like parking challenges where the driver is blindfolded and directed by the passengers to park in a parking space with eggs all round the edge, without breaking any eggs. For some reason the police thought driving blindfolded wasn't a very clever idea. Volvo are actually sponsoring the road trip this year, believe it or not, so we'll be going over in a Volvo. It's a Volvo hearse. Good for sleeping in the back."
- Andy Jacobs from Squeaky Hill talking this issue about their unofficial 'rally' to the Snowbombing festival in Austria...
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Nights on the Strip
"I've had some fun - if bizarre - nights on The Strip. After she split from Peter Andre, Katie Price was pole-dancing in the Queenshilling surrounded by lesbians. At first people dismissed her as a drunk straight girl who "looks a bit like a porn star", but when people realised it was Jordan they were more accepting - funny photos of people sharing the pole quickly went up on Facebook. On the downside, some of the older venues aren't in the best condition... A lot of people complain about being unable to close the toilet doors. The venues on The Strip also still feel the inexplicable need to employ drag queens. It's quite outdated to have drag queens about now - you don't get that in London unless you're in bars full of old men. Being gay today isn't about being overly camp and bitchy."
- Charlotte Bossick, president of Bristol uni's LGBT Society, talking to Venue's big gay Bristol feature this issue.
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Torn
"I feel like a bag of contradictions, because I knew that I'd end up in this weird, torn situation. But you can't want something for ten years and then say 'Oh, but I didn't want to be famous because it's so shallow'. I can't help my feelings. Some of the themes running through the album are about me trying to challenge myself and why I wanted this, because it's not a healthy thing to want. But everyone wants recognition of some kind - it's just a human desire, and I'm interested in human desire, the things we all need and crave."
- Marina of Marina and the Diamonds, interviewed this issue.
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Jokes
Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghoul's best friend (Thanks tohttp://www.beachbaker.co.uk)
A family with seven children moved to a new city. They wanted to rent a townhouse until they could get a feel for the area and choose a home where their kids would be in good schools and they could be conveniently located.
They found plenty of rental townhouses that were large enough, but the landlords always objected to having a family of nine occupy the place.
In frustration, the husband asked his wife to take the four youngest children and go visit the local cemetery. She was puzzled by his request, but went along with it. He and the other three children headed off to investigate another townhouse they had found.
The place was perfect and the gentleman told the landlord he would take it. Then came the usual question, "I see you have children. How many are there in the family?"
He gave out with a deep sigh, then said, "Seven. But four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the townhouse. (Thanks Jack)
Q: How do you confuse a Sun reader? A: Tell them an asylum seeker's killed a paedophile. (Thanks Meg, you win this week's star prize, a book by Vic Reeves. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)
Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff. OR you can send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or conspiracy, and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay - email editor@venue.co.uk and make our inbox chortle.
Some amazing optical illusions. Particularly the spiral one, third row down, left hand side. http://michaelbach.de
Funny prank. Learn now so's you don't fall for it.(below)
Advert for Old Spice. But funny.
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Competitions
Win stuff!
Cinematic agent provocateur Michael Moore is back - and this time he's gunning for corporate America. Capitalism: A Love Story' uses his trademark style of archive footage, interviews, humour and audacious personal interventions to shine a light on the system that has brought the US economy to its knees. 'Capitalism: A Love Story' runs from Fri 26-Sun 28 Feb at the Watershed (http://www.watershed.co.uk) and we have a pair of tickets to give away. In addition you'll get a free bottle of house red or white wine from the café/bar.
We also have a load of CDs - an amazing selection of some of the best albums of 2009, including the platinum edition CD/DVD of Beyoncé's 'I Am... Sasha Fierce', Robbie Williams's 'Reality Killed The Video Star', Stereophonics' 'Keep Calm and Carry On', Jack Johnson's 'En Concert' (live album, film and book), Devendra Banhart's 'What Will We Be' and heaps more - in other words, something for everyone and their Aunty Christine.
To be in with a chance of winning either or both you're just going to have to buy this week's Venue.
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The Mists Of Time
Say what?
Hullo, Dudley! I ish home again! Who's a good boy then? OOOZAGOOBOYTHEN?!
Unhand me, you oaf. You stink of beer, cigarettes and... <sniff!> burnt hair. You've been under the patio heater there again! I thought we'd agreed you'd stop using such environmentally delinquent technology!
I expect I was drunk when we agreed that, Dud. Any promises I make when pissed are not legally binding. Like the time I promised to marry Katie Hargreaves if she got pregnant. It could not be enforced.
There was no danger of Ms Hargreaves getting pregnant. She was awaiting your pleasure as you struggled to remove your comedy Bristolian underpants bearing the legend YER TIZ THEN before collapsing in a drunken coma. I comforted her and told her she was too good for you. Which is true.
I almost forgot! I've got a wonderful surprise for you! TA-DAHH!!
A cardboard box with holes in and scratching noises coming from it? Hang on... <sniff!>... Oh dear God, NO!!
Yes! No longer is it just the two of us. We now have the patter of tiny paws as well!
You moron! I am a dog, and you have brought a... a... a... cat into our happy bachelor pad.
Yeah, but this is no ordinary cat. Dave Wossname down
the pub sold it to me for two hundred quid cash. It's a pure-bred Double Gloucester. There aren't many of them around.
On the contrary, there are innumerable flea-bitten, bird-murdering bags of s**t and claws that can be scooped off the streets, bundled into a white van, then sold to gullible idiots in pubs.
Dave Wossname told me it's a scientific fact that cat owners are more intelligent than dog owners. Scientists at Bristol University proved it; people with cats have more degrees.
The boffins suggested that people with degrees tend to have more demanding jobs with longer hours and therefore less time to devote to the responsibilities of dog ownership. Tiddles there will not make you more intelligent. But then owning me hasn't helped much either. Or perhaps you'd have been an even bigger idiot without me.
Holy crap! I've just realised my dog is talking to me!! <THUD! Snore!>
Oh poor Tiddles. He's passed out without even letting you out of that nasty box. You're still trapped in there. Nothing personal, mate, but I'm afraid you're about to meet with a tragic accident.
- Venue. The magazine with the best in-depth analysis of the local news.
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Please remember...
Please remember to buy this week's Venue. The management have said they'll have to repossess our clothes if you don't.
