Who wants a drink?

Now that summer's here what could be better than to go to some quaint place and have a nice, relaxing cool drink?

And the best place for that is the local newsagents, where they have cartons of Um Bongo in the fridge. They also have this week's Venue with:

DRINKING OUT WEST 2009 - Free with this week's Venue! Your definitive 124-page guide to the very best local pubs and bars, from the most fashionable city places to the most traditional and picturesque country pubs. Cheers!

DRUGS - Bristol health workers are having some success in cutting drug addiction, but a cocktail of cheap cocaine and binge-drinking's still causing concern and ketamine is fast becoming a serious problem. Special report.

PLUS - Vote for your all-time favourite album ... Alternative tourist guide to Somerset ... Local author Derek Robinson ... Two local women seek two local men (to row across the Atlantic) ... Spike Milligan on stage at the Old Vic ... More Banksy ... Family-friendly festivals ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who said Tesco could build a store in the firm's car park.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes!

This Maths test can predict your all-time most watched film - mine was Forrest Gump.
Try it without looking at the answers, it works!
Pick a number from 1-9, then multiply it by 3, then add 3, then multiply by 3 again.
You'll get your answer by adding the 2 digits together to find your all time favourite film, it is; ...
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1. Gone with the wind
2. Aliens
3. Oliver
4. Star wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. Saving Private Ryan
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. Gay leather-clad arse-bandit rent boys go wild in Frankfurt 10. Mary Poppins (Thanks Jack)

Q. What's yellow and hides in Afghanistan?
A. The Talibanana.
(Thanks Mel)

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear looks at him quizzically and says, "I'm not on drugs."
(You're gonna love me for this...)
The bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
(Thanks Nick)

Real Madrid are asking Man United for a refund of the £80 million they forked out for Ronaldo. Their coach visited Broadmead Primark and found you only really need to spend £4.99 to pick up a big girl's blouse.
(Thanks Richard and Jacky)

A man wakes up in his hospital bed after a long and difficult operation.
Soon afterwards, the consultant who operated on him arrives at his bedside on his morning rounds, with several medical students following.
"So ..." says the man hesitantly, "how did my operation go?"
The surgeon looks at him and says, "Well we've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news?"
"We managed to save your testicles."
"And the bad news?"
"They're under your pillow."
(Thanks Nadia)

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
(Thanks Karen)

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day, but through a bureaucratic mistake, Clinton was sent to heaven while the Pope got sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation, his paperwork was checked, and the clerk realised there was a mistake and called the Devil, who was very apologetic.
"I'm afraid, Your Holiness, that it will take us 24 hours to complete the forms and make the switch."
Next day, with everything completed, the Pope arrived at the pearly gates, where he met Clinton who was on his way down.
"I'm sorry about this mix-up, Bill," said the Pope.
"No problem," said Clinton. "I'm sure you'll have a great time in heaven. I sure did."
"Yes, I'm very excited about finally getting to heaven," said the Pope. "All my live I've been praying to the Virgin Mary, and now I'm finally going to meet her!"
Clinton grinned and shrugged, "Ooops! Sorry! I'm afraid you're a day too late!"
(Thanks Tom)

Steve had met a really attractive woman at a bar. They'd had quite a few drinks and the conversation had taken a very interesting turn.
"I can tell how a man will make love to me by the way he unlocks his door," she said.
"Really? How?"
She said: "If he shoves his key in the lock and yanks the door open, that means he is a rough lover and not for me. If he fumbles around and can't find the keyhole, then he's an inexperienced lover, and so that's no good either. Tell me, Steve," she said, looking into his eyes, "how do you unlock your door?"
"First, I like to lick the lock ..."
(Thanks Clare, you win Star Prize of the week. Tell us if you'd prefer some funny books, some chick-lit or some children's books and give us a postal address.)

Please send us jokes. Jokes we've not heard before. Jokes which don't have too many rude words in so they make it through the spamtraps. Jokes which make our spirits soar, jokes which restore our faith in humankind and the universe, jokes which fill us with optimism and joy. Though we'll settle for jokes that make us go "heh, that's slightly funny, that is." So don't delay - hit the REPLY button now and make our inbox tingle.

Websites, by Jove

A week in Iran --> www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009

New blog for Southville --> simplysouthville.blogspot.com

Vegan? --> www.flickr.com/photos/passiveaggressive

World's rarest insect --> www.boingboing.net/2009

Perfume for pets --> www.chemistwarehouse.com.au

Abandoned places --> www.dirjournal.com/info/abandoned-places-in-the-world

Give a flying f*** --> photobucket.com/albums (Thanks Robin)

"Expert wasted entire life studying anteaters" (Thanks Robin) (below)

How to be a cloud-spotter --> timesonline.typepad.com

Star Trek cakes --> www.geekologie.com/2009/06/gallery_out_of_this_world_star.php

And please remember to buy Venue.

And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to stop making us watch Big Brother if you do.

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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