Local artist has exhibition at Museum. Not many casualties.

Yes!! It's the local artistic SENSATION that EVERYONE'S talking about! It's a RIOT of CREATIVE genius! In the normally STUFFY setting of the NEWSAGENTS you can find some ASTONISHINGLY CLEVER AND SUBVERSIVE ARTWORK. That'll be this week's Venue then, with:

GLASTONBURY - Michael Eavis talks to us about this year's Fest, headlined by the mighty Blur (we've got an interview with them too!). Plus - we pick out some of the more unusual highlights and look at the latest festival kit (pocket-sized portable urinal anyone?)

HIGH TIMES? - With the government about to ban all sorts of iffy 'legal' highs, we run a highly subjective user test on the lot of 'em. All in the name of science, of course

PLUS - Yet more stuff about the Banksy show ... Win West Side Story tickets ... Local action sports book ... Global problem-solver Edward Aczel ... Bristol Shakespeare Fest ... Bristol's hit-making Factory Studios ... Peter Hall Season returns to Bath ... Easton Arts Trail ... Family fun for Father's Day ... The new 'Transformers' movie ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss that it was you, not Banksy, who painted his car purple.

* Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes!

Teacher: Where was Magna Carta signed?
Pupil: Along the bottom.

Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is about the same, but you get the remote!
(Thanks Rachel)

The sexiest woman at the party approached an attractive man standing alone. She smiled and said, "Hello there. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "As a matter of fact, I chose it myself because I love both cars and men. What's your name?"
He smiled and said, "B. J. Titsenfooty!"
(Thanks Billy)

A man was passing a country estate and saw a sign on the gate. It read: "Please ring bell for the caretaker." He rang the bell and an old man appeared.
"Are you the caretaker?" the fellow asked.
"Yes, I am," replied the old man. "What do you want?"
"I'd just like to know why you can't ring the bell yourself."
(Thanks Rob)

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa'. 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'"
So, a student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and, 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and, 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
(Thanks Rina)

A young man who lived alone was being driven half-mad by Jehovah's Witnesses. He lived next to their local temple, and so whenever they went out knocking on people's doors, his was always the first one they arrived at. Always they knocked, usually at some inopportune time, like when he was starting to eat, or had just got into the bath, and always he sent them away.
One day, just as he was settling down in front of the TV for a big football game, there was a knock on the door.
He saw red, he flipped. "Look!" he yelled at the pair of Witnesses at the door, "if I let you in just this once do you promise by whatever it is you people swear by that you and your mates will leave me alone for ever?"
"Um, yes, I suppose so," said one of them.
"Right then, come in," he said, showing them into the living room. "Now, what is it you want to tell me about?"
The two Witnesses looked at each other and shrugged. "Sorry," said one, "but we don't know. Neither of us has ever made it this far before."
(Thanks Trev)

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer shrugged, "the hens are round the back!"
(Thanks Gabe, you win this week’s star prize, that still-unclaimed box set of Neighbours highlights. Give us a postal address and let us know if you’re prefer some books instead.)

Please send us jokes. We’ve been doing this spam for a few years now and we’re starting to wonder whether the world’s supply of jokes is finite, kind of like the oil, only less sticky. I mean, a lot of the ones we get sent are ones we’ve heard before. So ignore all the sandal-wearing hippies and open up new joke wells under the Arctic or something, will ya? Also, the best one each week wins something prizey. So it’s all good. Don’t delay – hit the REPLY button now and spurt your joke-oil into our inbox.

Websites, by Jove

The 10 most ridiculous rapper chains --> www.brokencool.com

Pimp your establishment’s tip jar --> www.topcultured.com

This is sick and callous, and if you laugh at it you WILL go to hell. (Thanks Robin) (below)

Police lady rescues ducks --> www.izismile.com

Let’s drink to all the Russian gas” (below)

“The axe trick” (Won’t play outside UK) --> www.mrandmrswheatley.blogspot.com

Japanese make-your-own sweets --> www.olivepixel.livejournal.com/128775.html

OMG! His girlfriend found the weird vids he’d made of her … --> www.answers.yahoo.com

Security camera footage of man trapped in lift for 41 hours. (below)

Banksy show at Museum vid (below)

A major breakthrough in arse-wiping technology --> www.comfortwipe.com

Who broke Susan Boyle? (below)

And please remember to buy Venue.

The management will make us stand in the middle of Broadmead reading every single unsold copy out loud if you don’t!

Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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