Hello! Take a Break! etc

Darlings! Join us and pose for your picture on the red carpet up to the entrance of the newsagents for the gala premiere of this week's Venue magazine with:

CELEBRITY SPECIAL - Join us as we shamelessly go in search of the celebrities who live these parts, and then subject them to our own special 'fame test' to find out just how famous they really are. So - does Carol Vorderman outrank Madonna? Is Paul Potts more of a household name than Johnny Depp? Buy Venue to find out.

AFFORDABLE ART FAIR - Recession be damned. You can buy decent, collectable, potentially investment-worthy art without mortgaging your children. We preview this year's Affordable Arts Fair and North Somerset Arts Week.

FOOD FOR FREE - Foraging in the wild for free eats is THE latest foodie fad. Wake up and smell the wild garlic with us! Shame it's all leaves and berries and stuff, and not actual cake.

PLUS - Win cocktail lessons at Harvey Nicks ... Meet the Bristol Old Vic's new team ... Affordable Art Fair ... 'X-Men Origins: Wolverine' interview ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll show everyone the pictures of you stalking Paul Potts.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes

Police are warning members of the public to be alert for crooked doorstep salesmen. The salesman will approach a house where the owners are known to have a daughter and will then offer to have a likeness of the daughter carved onto a door.
A police spokesman said, "These men cannot be trusted. We would strongly advise the public never to buy anything from a daughter door salesman."
(Thanks Kate, and thank you for apologising for it, too.)

An aeroplane with a shipment of Pepsi flying over the jungle had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "Yeah.."
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you.. you know... eat their... ah, err, 'things'?"
The chief said, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief. "Things go better with Coke."
(Thanks Jack)

Three blondes are taking a walk in the countryside when they come across a set of tracks. The three of them fall to arguing over what kind of tracks they are.
The first blonde says, "I think they're deer tracks!"
The second blonde says, "I think they're dog tracks!"
The third blonde says, "Well, I think they're cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
(Thanks Chriss)

Mike walked into the pub and said to the landlord, "Pint of the usual please, Charlie. And get me a double Scotch as well. I've just had another fight with the little woman."
"Sorry to hear it," said Charlie, "How did it end?"
"When it was over," said Mike, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really?" said Charlie. "That doesn't sound so bad. What did she say?"
"Come out from under that bed right now, you useless coward!"
(Thanks Mel)

A farmer was out hunting one morning when he decided he needed to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun against it.
As he was relieving himself a big gust of wind blew, the gun fell and fired, shooting him in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by a doctor who said: "I have some good news and some bad news.
"The good news is that you're going to be fine. The damage was local to your groin, there's no internal damage, and we've been able to remove all the shotgun pellets.
"So what's the bad news"? said the farmer.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shot damage done to your (this word censored so's our spam will get through the censorware, but you can guess what it would be), and so I'm going to have to refer you to a specialist. In fact, she's my sister."
"I see," the farmer replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon"?
"No exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the London Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so that you don't piss in your eye."
(Thanks Roy)

You hear Stephen Hawking has contracted a virus?
Apparently his laptop has got it as well...

The name of the Jade Goody movie has been announced: 'A wedding, 4 weeks and a funeral'.
(Thanks Jake)

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter - ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech all the men started clapping ...
(Thanks Sarah-Jayne. You win this week's star prize, a couple of grown-up novels, or a couple of kids' books. Mail us your choice, and an address if you want 'em.)

Please send us jokes. An evil terrorist mastermind who will undoubtedly be played by some really good English actor when it gets turned into a movie has rigged it so that if we get less than ten really good jokes a day, the Venue office will explode. Also, the best joke each week wins a prize of something or other.

Websites of t'week ...

Live tracking of swine flu news on Google Maps http://tinyurl.com

The night sky over Bristol http://www.astronomybristol.co.uk

Make local eco-beer from local nettles locally. http://www.brh.org.uk/articles/beer.html

Issue 3 of the rather funny Stokes Croft Toff (PDF) http://bristol.indymedia.org/attachments/apr2009

Tasteful metal love song. Possibly not worksafe. http://www.youtube.com (Thanks Robin)

My first dictionary. Disturbing. http://myfirstdictionary.blogspot.com

"The man with the world's most tasteless tattoos" http://news.bmezine.com/2009/03/09

Gay spacemen. Annoyingly catchy tune. Probably not worksafe. http://rathergood.com/spacemen

WTF of the week (below)

It's OK, people. It's just a joke. http://www.indymedia.org.uk

What really happened to Russia's missing cosmonauts? Fascinating article. http://www.forteantimes.com/features/articles

And please remember to buy Venue.

The management will make us cage-fight for an envelope full of porridge if you don't.

Cheers then.
..................................
::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
..................................