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Off the leash!
Spring is in the air, so it's time for some outings. And what could be nicer than a wonderful family trip to the newsagents for this week's Venue with:
DAYS OUT 2009 - Your FREE guide to the best outings around Bristol - stately homes, steam railways, adventure sports, theme parks, museums, parks and gardens and more. Fully updated, and very opinionated - keep it in your glove compartment.
MAKING AIRWAVES - New technology, changes in the law and the rise of podcasting have given local and community radio a new lease of life. Join us as we tune in to the amazing variety of local stations.
PLUS - PJ Harvey & John Parish interviewed ... IRA thriller 'Fifty Dead Men Walking' ... Lenny Henry is Othello in Bath ... How to de-clutter your life ... Bath's celebrity chefs ... Win cinema tickets & DVDs ... Family Easter treats ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone it was you who chucked the red paint over the Banksy on Stokes Croft.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!
Jokes, then ...
The one good thing about Alzheimer's is that you can hide your own Easter egg.
(Thanks Jelf)
A guy sitting in the bar at London Heathrow noticed a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:
"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh, she doesn't work for Delta".
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him "What the f***ing hell do you want, you arse?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Ryanair!!!"
(Thanks Jack)
A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.
The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B*st**ds!"
(Thanks Ellie)
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
(Thanks Si)
John and Mary had been married for a few years, and John was starting to have difficulties (editor's note - he was having problems in a certain department which we can't mention explicitly because it'll get our spam binned by spam-killing robots. Let's just say he was having problems getting the soldier to stand to attention, or something like that).
Mary and he had different ideas as to what the problem was. She decided to try and solve it by buying him some (editor's note - it's the name of a drug we can't mention by name or it'll get our spam binned by anti-spam devices. See above. She bought him some of those little blue pills.) Meanwhile John decided to solve it by buying Mary a treadmill.
(Thanks Norm)
One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon.
"Hey," said the demon, "how'd you like to make this one a hole in one?"
"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.
"It shortens your sex life by five years," replied the demon.
"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered.
On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one simultaneously?" said the demon. "It's only been done five times in the history of golf."
"What's the payback this time?" said the man.
"Shortens your sex life by another twenty years." said the demon.
"I guess," agreed the man, and again made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see him play . . . two holes-in-one in the same game!
On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!"
"No problem," said the man, agreeing. "What do I gotta give up this time?"
"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon.
"Okay!" said the man, and again hit a hole-in-one.
And that's how Father Michael O'Halloran got into the Guinness Book of Records.
(Thanks Al)
A man went to the Doc's complaining of bad wind.
He said to the Doc that he had passed wind at least 20 times since being in the surgery, he went on to say that they were not smelly and they were silent.
The Doc gave him some pills and told him to return next week.
When he returned he was quite happy that the farts had now diminished a bit but now he had the added problem that they had become very smelly.
The Doc said: "Right now that's your sinuses sorted, let's try to remedy your hearing!!"
(Thanks Tish. You win this week's star prize, the soundtrack album to 'The Boat That Rocked' - send us an address if you want it.)
Please send us jokes. If we don't get jokes we'll send you some of our poetry instead, and you really wouldn't want that. Also, the best joke each week will win a small prize which might turn out to be something you'd actually want (but probably won't).
Have some websites afore ye go
A fine idea http://iparklikeanidiot.com (Thanks Jack)
Bristol Graffiti Map http://www.bristolgraffitimap.com
Eat weeds, why don't you? http://www.eatweeds.co.uk
Recognise flying objects http://img443.imageshack.us (Thanks Jack)
"Horror, morbid and mystic art pictures" - not worksafe and not for the easily offended. http://www.smashingmagazine.com
It's a skipping rope. Without the rope. People pay money for this?! http://www.jumpsnap.com
Apparently we've all got a bit of OCD. Interesting article. http://www.ft.com
The evolution of vampires http://www.cracked.com
Time-lapse film of the sun's surface. It moves, you know. http://apod.nasa.gov/apod
Always look in the mirror before going out. http://imgur.com
How long could you last on a gay pirate ship? http://www.howlongcouldyoulastonagaypirateship.com
And please remember to buy Venue.
The management will have to sell another of our kidneys if you don't.
Cheers then.
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::: Venue SPAM
::: www.venue.co.uk
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