Next door to Heaven

Wouldn't it be brilliant if we all had a newsagent's shop next door? Then we wouldn't have so far to go for this week's Venue magazine:

NEIGHBOURS FROM HELL - Do the folks next door have a yappy dog, play the bagpipes at four in the morning and do all their DIY with a hammer? Meet some of Bristol's worst ever neighbours, and find out what to do about them.

INSIDE OUT - Now that spring is here (allegedly) we've got loads of ideas and information about making your house and garden even more lovely then before with our fabulously comprehensive - and free! - Inside Out supplement.

PLUS - Pop sensation Little Boots ... Award-winning Bristol photographer Tamany Baker ... Bath Comedy Festival ... Love Food Festival ... 'Borat' director Larry Charles on his controversial new movie 'Religulous' ... Free cinema ticket giveaway ... Job ads ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Gordon Brown that your house is an illegal tax haven.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for only £4.99 a month!

Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross Fergal Sharkey with Bernard Manning?
A: Racist undertones.
(Thanks Will)

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the fore skins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
(Thanks Pam)

Little Johnny is digging a hole in the garden when the next door neighbour looks over the fence and asks, "What are you doing Little Johnny?"
He replies: "I'm digging a grave for my pet mouse."
"Awww," says the neighbour. "I'm sorry to hear about that. But tell me - why is the hole so big?"
Little Johnny answers: "Because my mouse is inside your f***ing cat."
(Thanks Annie)

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging.
One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch!
This was the first in a series of scientific breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
(Thanks Jack)

Jim had been in a car crash, and was in a coma in hospital for two weeks before finally coming to. Shortly after waking up, he found he was desperately hungry.
But the nurse told him he couldn't have anything to eat. "You have a broken jaw and it is wired shut," she told him. "I can't think of anything that you could eat in that condition."
"Well, could I please have a cup of coffee?" Jim asked through his clenched jaw.
"We'll try," the nurse told him. "Maybe we can get a straw between your teeth."
But try as they would, it just wouldn't go. Jim grumbled and moaned and swore he was going to die without coffee until the nurse finally said, "Maybe we could give it to you in an enema."
She fixed up the syringe and began to administer it when suddenly Jim winced and drew up.
"Is it too hot?" the nurse asked.
"No. But it needs more sugar.”
(Thanks Tabbi)

Dave lusted after Linda and pestered her to go out with him several times. Finally, she gave in, and he took her out to dinner. Afterwards, he drove her out to the country, parked in a quiet lay-by and said: "Linda, I must have you, I simply must! Right here, right now. Let me make love to you - or you can walk home."
Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home.
A month later, after much apologising on Dave's part, Linda agreed to go out with him again. This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, "Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it... or walk home!"
Again, Linda walked home.
Two months later, after copious apologies and several gifts of flowers, chocolates and jewellery, she finally accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Dave drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum.
Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex he'd ever experienced.
As they were driving home, Dave asked, "Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?"
Linda answered: "Well, I don't mind walking five miles, or even ten miles to save a friend from gonorrhoea, but not fifty miles."
(Thanks Melz, you win this week’s star prize, a couple of funny books. Mail us a postal address if you want them.)

Please send jokes. Preferably funny ones we’ve not heard before and which don’t have too many rude-type words in so’s our spam isn’t mistaken by corporate firewalls for, um, spam. Also, the best gag each week wins a recession-busting prize of something which can be burned for warmth or traded for food.

Websites

Shameless as ever ... www.ryanair.com/site/EN/news.php

Burger grease art (below)

A folk song about computing (below)

... And this is why she's a famous pianist and you're not (below)

World's biggest train set www.liveleak.com/view

Virtual Stokes Croft www.stokescroft3d.co.uk

The twouble with Twitters current.com/items

"Detroit's beautiful, horrible decline" - amazing pics. www.time.com/time/photogallery

A tour of Chernobyl www.grcade.com

Sheep and LEDs. We suspect advertising, but no matter.(Thanks Richard) (below)

What a trillion dollars looks like www.pagetutor.com/trillion

Everyone's favourite Family Guy character does funny song icantseeyou.typepad.com/my_weblog

And please remember to buy Venue.

It's what Jesus would do. If he was stuck in Bristol or Bath for a few days and wanted some suggestions about stuff to do. And if he wasn't omniscient and didn't know it all already.

Cheers then.
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