Want to eat out in style without breaking the bank? Then go to the newsagents. They have Wheat Crunchies and cans of shandy which you can consume on the nearest park bench. The newsagent also has this week's Venue with:
TOP NOSH, LESS DOSH - From superb snacks costing less than a fiver to the best-value fine dining in town, you'll find more than 70 fantastic deals on meals in our comprehensive guide to the best eating out deals in Bristol and Bath.
FREE MUSIC! - We've got a whole album's worth of music by many of the best established and up-and-coming local bands, all for free download!
CATHERINE JOHNSON - After the global success of 'Mamma Mia!', the Bristol-based writer tells us about her new play, 'Suspension', a hard-edged comedy which gets it world premiere at Bristol Old Vic and stars April 'Skins' Pearson.
PLUS - Bristol's Cycling City plans ... Fairtrade fashions ... Fairtrade Fortnight ...
Rockumentary 'Anvil: The Story of Anvil' ... Nihilist noiseniks Petrol ... Bath Literature Fest ... Win a street art print by Mr Jago ... Job ads .... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or the footage of you singing that Abba medley goes on YouTube.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
Three doctors were chatting on an areoplane on day.
The Scottish doctor was saying: "Where I come from we took a kidney out of this guy and he was out looking for work in one month."
The doctor from Ireland said: "Back home we took a spleen out of a fella and he went out to look for a new job in less than three weeks."
The English doctor said: "We took an arsehole out of Scotland and now the whole country is looking for work." (Thanks Johnny)
How to beat the recession:
The problem with the UK economy now is that business everywhere is in freefall because none of us are spending money like we used to. Therefore the best way out of this mess is if we all spend as much as possible, but you have to be careful what you spend it on:
If you spend it at Asda, the money goes to America.
If you spend it on petrol, it goes to the Arabs.
If you buy a computer it will go to India or Mexico.
If you buy fruit and veg the money goes to South Africa, Spain or the Netherlands (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car the money goes to Japan.
If you buy toys or useless tat it goes to China.
None of this helps the British economy - we need to keep as much money as possible in the UK.
You can keep the money in Britain by spending it at charity shops, going to a football game or spending it on prostitutes, beer (British bitter only - not lager), nail bars or tattoos. Those are the only businesses left in Britain. (Thanks Terri)
How to get a wife.
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) 2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3) 3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21) 4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) 5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) 6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24) 7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) 8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27) 9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) 10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) 11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-) 12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11) 13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) 14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) You can't argue, it's in the Bible! (Thanks Jack)
At the petrol station shop a man says to the woman behind the counter: "Can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky."
The woman hands him a Kit Kat Chunky, to which he says, "No, no, I want a normal Kit Kat, you fat cow."
(Thanks Kaz)
For lovers everywhere: How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages:
1. English - I Love You.
2. Spanish - Te Ammo.
3. French - Je t'aime.
4. German - lch Liebe Dich .
5. Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu .
6. Thai - Phom rak khun.
7. Italian - Ti amo.
8. Chinese - Wo Ai Ni.
9. Swedish - Jag Alskar.
10. - 24. Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alaska, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, and parts of Florida - "Nice Ass, Get in the truck!" (Thanks Pam)
I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make-up and will wear just a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to shag the goat and throw the paint over the walls. At the same time, I will be ripping up pages of a phone book and swearing at the top of my voice. After they give me the money, I'll take a dump on the floor and urinate everywhere. I then will escape in my customised getaway vehicle, a van shaped like a giant pink phallus.
It's not that I need the money. I'm mostly doing it just to see how BBC Crimewatch stage the reconstruction. (Thanks Anthony, you win this week's star prize, a big book with nice pictures all about world music. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)
Please send us jokes. We know you have plenty of jokes to share. You probably have more than you need, and that you've got a load of them at the back of the fridge quietly going past their sell-by date. So give them to us and spread their jokely happiness. And the best one every week wins a piece of stuff.
Webby fun ...
Funniest thing of the week – NB: Not worksafe – very sweary! www.theonion.com
