Dzien dobry, mirë dita, jó napot - that's Polish for ... Actually, we 're not sure what it means. Probably that you should get to the newsagent's for this week's Venue with:
EAST IN THE WEST - We look at the changing face of the West's communities, go shopping for Polish delicacies and meet some of the people who've crossed a continent to live and work here. And then worry if all those wonderful Polish plumbers have gone home.
GRACE JONES - The scary 1980s diva is back, and she's talking to us on the eve of her date at the Colston Hall.
CLUBBED - It's a cautionary tale of bouncers and brawling in eighties clubland. So is it a UK 'Goodfellas' or just another thuggish low budget Britflick? Meet the makers and find out.
PLUS - Bristol Acoustic Fest ... Sunday lunches guide ... Bristol Slapstick Festival ... A year-long world music series ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who sold all the firm's furniture by pretending you were having a credit crunch closing-down sale.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
A little old lady went into the bank one day, carrying a big bag of money and asked to speak to the manager as she wanted to open an account.
"Why do you need to see the manager," said the woman behind the counter. "I can open an account for you right now."
"No, I'd like to speak with the manager please. I have a very large amount of money here and have some questions only he can answer."
The clerk showed her into the manager's office.
"How much are you planning to deposit?" asked the manager.
"£200,000," said the woman.
"Heavens!" said the manager. "That's a lot of money! Do you mind me asking where you got it from."
"Not at all," said the lady. "I got it from making bets."
"Bets?" the manager asked, "What sort of bets?"
"Oh, all sorts," said the lady. "For example, I'll bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square!"
The manager laughed. "That's a ridiculous bet!" he said. "You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "You think not? Would you like to take my bet?"
"Absolutely!" said the manager, "I'll bet you £25,000 that my testicles are not square!"
"Okay," she said, "But since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my solicitor with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the president, still not quite believing what he was hearing.
The next morning at 10am, the little old lady reappeared with her lawyer at the manager's office. She introduced the solicitor and repeated the bet: "£25,000 says the bank manager's testicles are square!"
The old lady then asked the manager to take off his trousers and underpants so they could all see. The manager closed the curtains and did as he was asked.
She peered closely at his crotch and said, "You can't really tell just by looking. May I feel them just to be sure?"
"Well, okay," said the manager, "£25,000 is a lot of money, so you should be absolutely sure." The lady then found out for sure.
Just then, the solicitor started quietly banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with your lawyer?" the manager asked.
"Oh, he's fine," she replied. "He's just upset because he lost a bet. You see, I bet him £50,000 that by five past ten this morning I would have the bank manager's balls in my hand." (Thanks Baz)
A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?"
He then realized the truth, "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The rabbi leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off.
The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell him?"
The rabbi replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon." (Thanks Jack)
Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just cam oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his rear end aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'." (Thanks Maisie)
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the Christmas holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Johnny said.
"Mum gives me 50p not to play it during the day and Dad gives me £2 a week not to play it at night." (Thanks Andy)
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud.
On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eyes.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Do me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 500 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around him.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!" (Thanks Mary)
Here are a few tips for brightening up 2009: - At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. - Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. - Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. - Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get. - Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. - Sing Along At the opera. - Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache. - When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!" - When leaving the zoo, start running towards car park yelling "Run for your lives. They're loose!" - Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." - Pick up a box of condoms at the chemists, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is. (Thanks Nick; you win this week's prize, a funny book called 'Lessons from the Land of Pork Scratchings: A Miserable Yank Finds Happiness in the UK. Mail us a postal address if you want same.)
Please send us jokes. The inbox was a bit empty this week, because we assume not many of you have gone back to work yet. And if you don't have work to go back to, send us some jokes anyway as you might win some tax-free stuff if yours is our favourite joke of the week. So don't delay - hit the reply button now and nourish our inbox with the thin Depression-era soup kitchen gruel of your funnyness.
