Put on your wetsuit, get your board and get down to the newsagents. Even though you'll look like a wally, you will be able to get this week's Venue with:

SURF'S UP - Rad! Gnarly! Hang it out to dry! Breakers, mutha-flipper! Yep, we've come over all surfy this week as Bristol's first ever surf show comes to town.

MAMMA MIA! THE MOVIE! - It's Abba! It's Colin Firth! It's Pierce Brosnan! It's flippin' Meryl Streep singing! AND - it was written by local gal Catherine Johnson!

CRYSTAL METH - Police forces and drug agencies have a new substance to worry about. It's dangerous, highly addictive, and rips families and communities apart. How long before crystal meth hits the West Country?

PLUS - St Mary Redcliffe history ... Bristol Wine and Food Fair ... St Pauls Carnival Reviewed ... Bristol Short Story contest ... Allotments ... Local comedians en route to Edinburgh - meet the stars of tomorrow ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Gordon Brown about the half-eaten Cornish pasty you threw away last week.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

The first year science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking us a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the headmistress, who will then sack you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "God, is she going to get into trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
(Thanks NKML)

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the bum.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back to sleep.
The Nun asked her a third question ... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted ...
(Thanks Nick)

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting:
"13....13....13"
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting:
"14....14....14 ... "
(Thanks Donna)

One man was downing drinks faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The man said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented. "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first man replied. "I strangled her."
(Thanks Jack)

Engineer gags

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Q. When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A. When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Q. What does an engineer use for birth control?
A. His personality.

Q. What's an extroverted engineer?
A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

There are three kinds of engineers in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't.

Q. How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.
(Thanks Robin and Jonathan)

Jones the solicitor has a busy practice in a small country town. There's so much work coming in that he decides he needs a partner. He puts an advert in the legal press and sets up a load of interviews.
Mr Brown, the first applicant turns up. "This is a small town where everyone knows everyone else," says Jones. "So it's absolutely essential that our integrity in business is utterly beyond question. So Mr Brown, are you an utterly honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" says Brown, taken slightly aback. "Well let me tell you, I'm so honest that when my father lent me £30,000 for my education, I paid back every penny the minute that I had finished my very first case."
"Impressive," says Jones. "And what sort of case was that?"
Brown replies: "Dad sued me for the money!"
(Thanks Billiam – you win this week's star prize, a baseball cap and T-shirt advertising some movie we've never heard of. But hey, clothes are always useful in the current economic climate, so mail us a postal address if you want 'em.)

Please send us jokes, preferably ones we've not had before, and better still ones that don’t have any rude words or body-part words in that'll get our spam blocked by anti-spam software. Best joke every week wins some stuff, and we could all use more stuff, right? So don’t delay – hit that REPLY button now and gently nibble on our inbox with your teeth of funnyness.

Surf!

For when a regular kicking just isn't enough (Go USA, etc.) www.selfdefenseproducts.com (Thanks Ray)

An invaluable resource www.celebheights.com (Thanks Robin)

A very useful resource. We particularly recommend thereview of The Passion of the Christ. www.filmatheist.com (Thanks Robin)

Over is right, under is wrong, and here's why. Any questions? currentconfig.com/archives

Amazon review of an expensive bit of cable www.amazon.com/review

If you are, or ever were, a nerd, you must read this. www.paulgraham.com

Octopuses given Rubik's cubes to see if they're right-handed, sort of thing. www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech

Extreme recycling dirtgetswet.com/pics-images

World's deepest diving pool www.toxel.com/inspiration

No, look, Phillips screws are good really. www.wired.com/science/discoveries

And don’t forget that some of the best bits and our essential guides are online at: www.venue.co.uk

Please remember to buy this week's Venue – if we sell enough this week, the management have promised to install surveillance cameras in the staff dungeon so's we can pretend we're in the Big Brother house.

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