By the time you read this, the sun will be out and summer will have started. Definitely. So pull on the shorts, slap on the sunscreen and get to the newsagents for this week's Venue:
OUTDOOR EATS - The top 40 places round these parts to eat outdoors as compiled by world-leading outdoor eating expert Alf Resco.
FESTIVAL OF NATURE - Bristol's brilliant nature fest is back with more wildlife-related tales than a Beatrix Potter convention.
RESTORATIVE JUSTICE - Bristol is trialling a new scheme in which wrongdoers meet their victims to apologise. Special report.
PLUS - Meet the Lady Boys of Bangkok ... Win a holiday to Biarritz! ... Swedish popstrel Robyn interviewed ... Ben Affleck on child abduction movie 'Gone Baby Gone' ... Artspace Lifespace take over Bristol ... Gimme Shelter!'s fashion & music explosion ... Comedian Mark Olver goes for a walk ... Stunning new photograohy show ... Healthy school dinners ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll publish the photographs of you in the shower pretending to be that kid who won Britain's Got Talent.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."
Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge. (Thanks Donna)
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for some food.
I got out my purse and took a ten pound note out and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of food?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this in a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine." (Thanks Peter)
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
"I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
"But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having any more children.
"Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
"Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
"Love, your son,
"Joshua.
"P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table." (Thanks Nick)
A drunkard walks into a fish & chip shop.
"What can I get you?" asks the owner.
"Erm... I'd like 'The Matrix' please"
"Sorry old lad," chuckles the owner, "wrong shop ... the video and DVD hire shop's next door!"
The drunkard staggers out and comes back in again five minutes later and asks for 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'.
Again the owner explains and out he goes.
This goes on a few more times in which the man has asked for 'Terminator 3', 'Rocky IV', 'The Shining' and many more. Finally the owner can't take any more.
"Look here you," he yells. "This is a CHIPPY! We sell fried fish, chips, peas, puddings, pies, pasties, sausages, etc. etc. WE DO NOT RENT MOVIES!"
"Ah!" says the drunkard appearing to have a moment of clarity. "You must think I'm a right idiot. Sorry. In that case I would like sausage and chips with curry sauce please."
"Certainly" says the owner "anything else?"
"Aye" says the drunkard. "Have you got 'A Fish Called Wanda'?" (Thanks Steve)
Recently, the headmistress of a local primary school issued this list of children's books she was banning from the school library. It just goes to show how dumbed-down and politically-correct education is these days:
'You Are Different and That is Bad'
'Pop! Goes The Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games'
'Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets'
'Babar Meets the Taxidermist'
'Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence'
'The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables'
'Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will'
'The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead'
'How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Primary School'
'Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear'
'Strangers Have the Best Sweeties'
'The Beginner's Guide to Toilet Papering Trees'
'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'
'Some Kittens Can Fly'
'The Children's' Guide to Hitchhiking'
'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'
'Mr. Fork and Miss Electrical Socket Become Friends'
'Not taking "No" For An Answer: How to Effectively Talk Back to Parents, Teachers and Other Authority Figures' (Thanks Ellie. You win this week's star prize, a couple of chick-lit novels. Mail us a postal address if you want 'em.)
Please send jokes. Joke us up like we've never been joked before. The best one each week wins a prize - next week's prize is an interesting-looking funny book by Robert Twigger called 'Real Men Eat Puffer Fish'. So don't delay. Hit that REPLY button now and plunge your big, fat joke into our aching inbox.
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised us our own TV* if you do.
*His name is Gloria.
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