Spring has sprung, the buds are bursting out and your local newsagent is a magnificent sight, a riot of colour, all covered in copies of the latest edition of Venue with:

ON THE GAME - The world's oldest profession is alive and well in Bristol, with sex on sale in "massage parlours", from escorts and on the streets. Venue goes undercover to speak to the women themselves.

GERRY ANDERSON - The man who brought you Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet is coming to town to tell us how he worked his puppet magic.

NUTS IN MAY - There's National Vegetarian Week, and then the Bristol Vegan Fayre, with all manner of animal-free treats. Hide that ham sandwich and join us.

TIANRIWEN - Meet the freedom-fighting, Touareg rock 'n' roll rebels preparing to bring their extraordinary story to Bristol's Colston Hall.

PLUS - A romantic comedy made in war-torn Beirut ... New Bristol pottery-painting café ... become an art collector for as little as £30 with Bristol's Affordable Art Fair ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone you're a Crystal Palace supporter.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

The young man had a burning desire to become a great writer. "I want to write something that the whole world will read, words that will affect people on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them angry, scream, cry, howl in pain and fury!" he said.
He fulfilled his ambitions by becoming an error message writer for Microsoft.
(Thanks Barry of http://www.Telecomplus.org.uk/cash)

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married - for the fourth time! The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "Well, I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Thanks Donna)

Six elderly Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's pub when Murphy loses €500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
O'Connor looks around and says, "Someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet man you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost €500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
(Thanks Jack)

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Her biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.
"Mary... Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I sunbathe, then I have sex - twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon - supper - then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
(Thanks Peter)

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together"
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds those fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered "Let's relive some old times."
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, luv," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Grandad. "One's in your tea and the other is in your porridge!"
(Thanks Tony)

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "OK Les, give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried and turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts...
"I KNEW IT!! ... I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"
(Thanks Nick - you win this week's star prize, which is to say we need your help clearing the backlog of unclaimed spam prizes. If you want the novel about skinheads and the Ricky Tomlinson football DVD, mail us a postal address.)

Please send jokes, preferably one's we've not heard before and don't have too many rude words in. The best one each week wins something which you might consider to be crap, but which we could actually sell for food or burn for warmth. Or you can send a joke in on behalf of your firm, club or the Labour Party and we'll tell all our 4,000 spamvictims your web address. For publicity, innit? So don't delay - hit that REPLY button now and poke your funnyness fingers into the gaping hole of our inbox.

A wee surf afore ye go ... ?

Seating for Goths coffincouches.com

Gorgeous nature/wildlife pics timepass.onlyfanpics.com

"High efficiency survival beverage ... " dinnerinabottle.com

Breakdancing - a Soviet invention, actually. youtube.com/watch

Wind turbines being built at Avonmouth www.independent.co.uk

Baby pigly cuterie bestpicsaround.com

This probably isn't very good for you, so don't try it at home. Not totally worksafe either. www.youtube.com

Contribute towards Dickie Attenborough's next movie project. www.agiftfordickie.com

Astonishing eco-home in Wales www.simondale.net/house

Read this. b3ta.com/questions/kids

And please remember to buy Venue - if you do, the management have promised to give us a couple of bricks so's we can take it in turns to look at the sunshine through the bars of the window.

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Cheers then.

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