ZAP! Time to get to the newsagents! POWEE!! To get this week's Venue! HIT! It's a fiendish plot to make you read:

COMICS - It's time for the Bristol International Comic Expo, the biggest and best annual comic fair in Britain. So we've got Bristol's best artists and comic talent to tell us why they do it AND come up with some special local artwork just for you.

ETHICAL EXPO - So you want to save the planet, but you still have to buy stuff, right? That's why you need Bristol's first ever fair devoted to green goodies.

MAYFEST! - It's back! Bristol's annual spring-time bounty of wild and whacky theatre returns with inventive outposts throughout the city.

PLUS - German techno legends Hardfloor ... Southbank Art Trail ... Bath author Sarah Duncan ... Jo Brand interviewed ... Bath's home cooking queen ... Kimya Dawson (last heard on the 'Juno' soundtrack) comes to town ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll make Boris Johnson mayor of your house as well.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month

Jokes

A DEFRA inspector called at a farm and told the farmer, "I need to inspect your cows."
The old farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The inspector said, "I have the authority of the government. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go anywhere I like on any agricultural land in England and Wales. Do you understand?"
The farmer nodded, shrugged and carried on with his jobs.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the DEFRA man running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize Hereford bull. The bull was gaining on the civil servant with every step.
The inspector was terrified, so farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled: "Your card! Your card! Show him your card!"
(Thanks Maura)

John and Mary have just been married for a week. Mary says, "Let's play a little game! Let's play hide and seek! I'll hide, and if you can find me, we'll have sex."
John says, "But what if I can't find you?"
Mary replies: "I'll be behind the sofa."
(Thanks Evie)

Little Johnny's neighbours had a new baby, though unfortunately it had been born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see it. Before they left the house, Johnny's dad had a VERY serious talk with him. He explained that the baby had no ears, and that Johnny must not under any circumstances say anything about this during the visit. There would be no TV of computer games FOR A MONTH if he said anything about ears. Johnny nodded and assured his dad that he understood.
Over at the neighbours' house, Johnny looked in the crib and said, "What a beautiful baby."
The baby's mother said, "Thank you, Johnny."
Johnny continued, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes," the mother replied, "The doctor says he has perfect vision."
"That's great," Johnny said, "'cos it'd be a bit rough if he needed glasses, wouldn't it?"
(Thanks Dave)

WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES - If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".
GO AHEAD - This is a dare, not permission. Do not do it.
LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement, often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
(Thanks Steff)

The boss of a small firm decided to have a party for all the staff and their families, complete with a very elaborate sit-down meal on trestle tables in his garden.
As they ate their meal, the boss found himself sitting opposite a small girl who kept staring at him. She hardly touched her food at all, but just kept looking. Furtively he checked to see that he hadn't spilled any food on his shirt, or got a piece of lettuce stuck on his teeth. He slicked his hair down ... But still the kid stared at him.
Eventually it all got too much, and he leaned across and with a friendly smile said: "So why are you staring at me, little girl?"
The whole table fell silent.
She replied: "Daddy says you drink like a fish. I wanted to see how you do that."
(Thanks Lauren)

Mary and Sandra are discussing how they handle arguments with their husbands.
"Whenever he gets mad at me, or shouts at me, I never get angry of fight back," says Mary.
"How do you manage that? How can you control your anger," says Sandra.
"Oh, I just go and clean the toilet."
"Clean the toilet?! This man is giving you a hard time and you respond by doing housework?! It's as though the women's movement never happened!"
"Maybe," says Mary. "But I use his toothbrush."
(Thanks Jo, you win this week's star prize, a baseball cap and T-shirt from some or other movie. Mail us a postal address if you want them.)

Please send us your jokes. Jokes, preferably which we've not had before over the glorious 1,000-year history of Venue spam, and which preferably also don't contain too many of the sort of words which will get our spam spurned by corporate censorware designed by American-speakers but installed by our own dear homegrown British idiots. Best joke each week wins something, which in these days of crunchy credit and high fuel prices could mean the difference between life and death.

So don't delay! Hit the REPLY button now and thrust all four inches of your hard, jokehood into our eager inbox.

Surf!!

About as rude and unworksafe as these things can ever get. But educational. tinyurl.com

"Where do people find the time?" Interesting talk 10 mins nielsenhayden.com

Tasteful china. Not worksafe. tinyurl.com

"Barry the Beaver" (geddit?) Not altogether worksafe. www.ningyoushi.com

If Facebook was real life www.youtube.com

Why? I mean, just ... why? www.kittywigs.com

Industrial pollution. en.wikipedia.org

The Apprentice. Only with Lego. www.youtube.com

Have this ready next time you say something witty. www.instantrimshot.com

Spoof US College Ad www.collegehumor.com

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