Venue. You can read it, eat it, insulate the loft with it ... But what you can't do is miss it, because this week it's less of a magazine with a free eating out guide, more of an eating out guide with a free magazine attached:

EATING OUT WEST - Our 20th, biggest-ever, 180-page Eating Out West guide, bursting its seamed pages with the final word on the West's most marvellous places to eat, from the fabulously expensive all the way to the cheap and cheerful.

HOME, SWEET HOME - Not everyone round here lives in a normal house. Meet the people living in some of the West's more unusual abodes - on water, in communes, to-die-for cottages and, er, behind bars.

RED HOT FRILLY KICKERS - Meet Bristol's self-proclaimed "premier can-can troupe". Men have even been known to throw their pants at them ...

PLUS - Local blokes walk across Greenland (it's educational) ... Award-winning animation 'Persepolis' comes to town ... Comedian Laurence Clark ... Cheltenham Jazz Fest ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone that your house is the best cheap restaurant in town.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

A woman is seeing her doctor. "Doctor, I really want you to kiss me," she tells him.
"I'm really sorry but I can't, you're my patient, it wouldn't be right," he replies.
"Please doctor, please - I'm just asking for one kiss."
The doctor remains firm with her "I can't, it would be a breach of the doctor-patient relationship and I could be struck off," he says.
The woman continues to plead "Just this once, Doctor, just the one kiss?"
The Doctor snaps back "Look, I'm not going to kiss you and that's the end of it. I shouldn't even be having sex with you!"
(Thanks Oliver)

Linda had five children and life was quite difficult. She went to see her doctor complaining of anxiety and stress. He prescribed her Valium and told her to come and see her again in a month.
A month later, she told the doctor that everything was wonderful. The house was quiet and clean, she had time to read the paper and watch her favourite TV programmes, but she did new a fresh prescription for more Valium.
"A refill, already?" said the doctor, "How many pills are you taking?"
"Taking? I'm not taking any," she replied. "I've been giving them to my children."
(Thanks Ellie)

If a man is standing alone in a forest and he says something, and there is no woman around to hear it ... Is he still wrong?
(Thanks Bobs)

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey.
The barman replies the piano player.
The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just urinated in my beer?"
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."
(Thanks Janet)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
(Thanks Tony)

A teacher at a college reminded her students of tomorrow's final exam: "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
(Thanks Donna)

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together.
In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say three Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.00."
(Thanks Jack)

Scotsman goes into a card shop and asks the assistant "do you have any 'in deepest sympathy' cards in this shop?"
Salesman replies "Yes, over there in the corner"
Scotsman says "Excellent. I wonder if I could swap it for this 'Get well soon' card that I no longer need?"
(Thanks Nick)

Two young boys walked into a chemist's one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
(Thanks Toni)

Two Scotsmen are walking down a country lane. "Och Duncan" says Jimmy all of a sudden, "I dinnae half need a shit"
Well, just go behind a bush and do it then," replies his mate.
So Jimmy goes behind a bush, and after a while he shouts, "Have you got any paper?"
To which Duncan replies, "Och don't be such a tight bastard. Leave it!"
(Thanks Tish – you win this week's star prize. Mail us a postal address - which we promise not to divulge to any Scots - if you want the as-yet unclaimed Jackie Collins novel.)

Please send us jokes. Jokes make everything nicer than before. Kind of like a lick of joke-coloured paint on an otherwise tired-looking day. Best one every week wins some stuff. And you've got a statistically much better chance of winning than you have with the Lottery. So don't delay – hit the REPLY button now and lubricate the puckering sphincter of our inbox with your joke-flavoured jokes.

Websites

Interview with a man you’ve never heard of but who has probably wasted hours, possibly years, of your time:
b3ta.com/interview

Make your toaster more powerful www.srimech.com/toaster

It’s like Tetris. Only with countries. www.mapmsg.com/games

Even most of the world’s great paintings are made in China now www.regional-office.com

For anyone who was even slightly irritated by ‘Juno’’ www.cracked.com

Advert. But funny. Not worksafe. www.glumbert.com/media/cucumber
(Thanks Jack)

Make cups out of bacon www.notmartha.org/archives

Your body hates you www.cracked.com

Terrific science pics news.bbc.co.uk/1/

And don’t forget to buy Venue. The management will outsource our jobs to a warehouse full of chimps if you don’t.

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