Credit crunch? Can't get a mortgage? Too bad. If you can't get a mortgage for the £1.50 price of this week's Venue, you're missing out on:

FREE MUSIC - South West Sound and its Bristol Fringe bring you the best in local musical talent, with live music at nine venues AND 20 free tracks to download.

CLUBLAND GOES CLASSICAL - The Colston Hall is about to host a very bold series of classical music and visual effects with the Grumpy Man DJ team bringing Mozart to the moshpit.

ZEN - The woman behind Bristol's impressive new harbourside restaurant wants to teach the world that there is more to Chinese food than fried rice and lurid-coloured sauces.

PLUS - Mike Leigh interview ... Whatever happened to wrestling? Comedian Clare Summerskill ... Whopping great Chinese mega-restaurant Zen ... Bristol Guild's 100th birthday ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

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Jokes

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No. This is just a very minor scare. You've got more than 40 years to live yet."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided it was time to live a little. She booked herself in with a cosmetic surgeon and got a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She then went to the hairdresser and had her hair dyed a new colour.
Crossing the road on the way home from the hairdresser, she was hit by a car and killed instantly.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had more than 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
(Thanks Bobs)

Jill, nine months' pregnant, went into labour very suddenly and called an ambulance. The ambulance service was oversetretched that night because of power cuts all over town, and only one paramedic turned up. He could see that Jill was not going to make it to the maternity unit before giving birth so decided to deliver there and then.
But there was no electricity. He asked Jill's three-year-old daughter Katie to hold the torch for him while he delivered the baby.
Katie was careful to hold the torch properly, and after a few minutes' pushing, Jill gave birth to a fine baby boy. The paramedic lifted the baby by his feet, slapped him on his bottom and the baby began to cry.
"Thank you for your help, young lady," he said to Katie as Jill cradled her new baby. "Now what did you think about everything you've just seen?"
Katie replied: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place - smack him again".
(Thanks ElliE)

Something to offend everyone ...

What is a Yankee?
- The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
- Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
- Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
- A golden retriever.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
- 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
- 45 minutes.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
- Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
- A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why did OJ Simpson think about moving to Gloucestershire?
- Everyone has the same DNA.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
- Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
(Thanks Ems)

Steve sat at the bartotally dejected, drinking heavily. The landlord asked him what was wrong.
"I'll never understand women." Steve said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the landlord. "So what was the problem? That sounds like a teriffic present!"
"Well" Steve said, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."
(Thanks Debs)

It's Minnie's 100th birthday and the whole village is very proud of her because she still lives independently and is an active member of the community. Everyone turns up for a big party in the village hall, with an enormous cake with 100 candles.
A photographer and reporter from the local paper are there, too. Inevitably, the reporter asks her what the secret of a long and healthy life is. "I drink three or four pints of beer a day, and always smoke a couple of cigars," she says. "And it's important to keep active and get plenty of exercise."
Emboldened, the reporter asks, "And tell me. When was the last time you, you know ... made love."
"Hmmmm ..." she says, not at all taken aback. "I reckon it would probably have been about 1940."
"Gosh!" says the reporter. "That's quite some time ago."
"You think so?" says Minnie looking at her watch. "Maybe you're right. I must be slacking. It's already 20:30."
(Thanks GeneHunt)

Dave's fiancée was religious, and he wasn't, but when she asked him to accompany him to church for the first time, he reluctantly agreed.
The problem was, he had been out with his mates the night before, and had had several drinks followed by a very dodgy kebab, and now, at 10 on a Sunday morning, he really didn't feel well.
To his horror, he realised he was going to vomit.
"I'm really sorry," he whispered to his girlfriend as the service was starting, "but I feel really ill. I think I'm going to puke."
"Well go out now," she said. "Go to the back of the church and throw up behind the bushes or something."
Dave left, but returned surprisingly quickly, looking a lot better.
"Did you go around the back of the church?" his girlfriend whispered.
"No. I didn't have to go that far. Out in the front porch of the church there's a box marked FOR THE SICK."
(Thanks Steve. You win this week's star joke prize, a copy of a new Jackie Collins novel. Mail us a postal address if you wants it.)

Please send us jokes. Jokes are the air beneath our wings, you know. Best one each week wins a prize, which you might think is a piece of crap, but which might fetch several pence on eBay. So don’t delay; send us something funny we've not heard before and which isn’t full of the sort of words that'll get our spam binned by corporate censorware. Hit that REPLY button now and make our inbox pucker.

Surf!

The Lolcats Bible. Genius. www.lolcatbible.com

Tee-hee! www.youtube.com

What it says on the URL. Not worksafe! tinyurl.com/3bzzow
(Oh. Right. We had to get a Tinyurl so’s it’ll not be spamtrapped.)

Crazy Finns and Russkies www.youtube.com

American Creature Comforts www.youtube.com

The Happy Worker Kit www.secondose.com

20 Biggest Record Company Screw-Ups of All Time www.blender.com

Bad Karate www.youtube.com

Fast food. The ads and the reality ... www.thewvsr.com

Monsanto. You gotta love 'em. Or they'll sue. www.vanityfair.com

And please remember to buy Venue. The management will make us watch Saturday night television if you don't.

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