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SAVE £££ with this week's VENUE!! (In the shops Wednesday.) It's TWO magazines for the PRICE OF ONE!! (No, really.)
INSIDE OUT - Spring is almost here - time to make your home and garden even more beautiful. And Venue comes complete with your FREE Inside Out magazine, over 70 pages of ideas and inspiration, plus the essential directory of local shops and handypersons.
POUNDSTRETCHING - If you're feeling the pinch, or you're just a tightwad, Venue has loads of ideas for living the high life on a low budget.
SOMETHING WILD - An astonishing new Bristol-based website about wildlife filmmaking, with loads of fascinating background stories. Is that really a young Attenborough smoking a cigarette while he interviews some frogs?
PLUS - Brilliant Brit-comedy 'Son of Rambow' comes to town ... Stereo MCs ... Family Easter holiday ideas ... Bonkers Radio Bristol bloke Steve Yabsley ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who started those rumours in the City that the firm's only worth £23.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
(Thanks Debs)
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
(Thanks Bella)
A paper bag goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I've been feeling ill". The doctor runs some tests and says "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're HIV positive".
"But I'm just a little paper bag" wails the paper bag "How can that be?"
"Well" says the doctor "Have you been having unprotected sex lately?"
"But I'm just a little paper bag" moans the paper bag "We don't do that sort of thing".
"Have you been sharing needles with drug takers then?" says the doctor "But I'm just a little paper bag" says the paper bag "We don't do that sort of thing."
"So have you had a blood transfusion perhaps?" says the doctor "But I'm a little paper bag" says the paper bag "We don't do that sort of thing"
"Well I'm afraid the only explanation I can think of " says the doctor "is that your mother is a carrier"
(Thanks Sue)
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic rubbish bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a £20 note is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her: "Do you know there are £20 notes falling out of your bag?"
"Damn!" says the little old lady ... "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for letting me know!"
"Hold on, hold on a minute," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park at the football stadium, and every time there's a game, a lot of the fans come and urinate into the bushes, right into my flowerbeds.
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with my big hedge clippers, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: twenty quid, or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "And you've filled two rubbish sacks with £20 notes! Brilliant!"
"Oh no," says the little old lady. Only one sack's full of money. As for the other one, well, not all of them pay."
(Thanks Urco)
A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in Yorkshire...like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."
Congratulations shower on him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Sam Smith's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised ..."
(Thanks Happy Gasgirl, for providing all our spamvictims with a gag they can now apply their own ethnicity to. You win this week's star prize, the Aled Jones CD or the STILL-unclaimed 'Football My Arse' DVD. Give us your choice and postal address.)
Please send jokes. Best joke each week wins prize. Perhaps not a good prize, but you can always trade whatever the prize is for a small amount of food or petrol. So don't delay. Hit that REPLY button now and suck the toes of our inbox with your pouting, red lipsticky mouth of jokeyness.
Websites
Local urban wildlife. Nice. www.wildmonty.co.uk
(Thanks Steve)
People freezing, in case you not already seen www.youtube.com/watch
(Thanks Pam)
Guide to metal (warning: V. Sweary) www.metacafe.com/
Polish bloke uses lady leg- and down-there wax to remove beard. Painful. widelec.org/depilacja_brody,id,1792.html
Song for Mom www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ttps9U9kePo
Make biltong (chewy dried meat) using an old PC monitor. biltongbell.blogspot.com
Make your own ceiling lolcat tubbypaws.blogspot.com
Delia cooks Spam www.youtube.com
Pot Noodle viral. Clever. uk.youtube.com
"German sergeants facing cannibalism charges after using their own blood to make black puddings" www.dailymail.co.uk
And please remember to buy Venue. The management will sell us to Heather Mills if you don't.
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