What a picture!

Your local newsagents shop is a picture of loveliness this week thanks to Venue and its readers.

PHOTO CONTEST - We asked readers to send pictures that summed up their city. We expected a few snaps of the Suspension Bridge. We were wrong. Come see how good they are.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND NATALIE PORTMAN - Oh yes, we get to interview them both as 'The Other Boleyn Girl' - also filmed locally - opens at a screen near you.

BETH ROWLEY - She's been called "a mixture of Norah Jones and Joss Stone", she's got a great album out, she's touring with David Gray, she's on the radio a lot, she's very likeable, and she's from Bristol.

PLUS - BBC MasterChef 2008 James Nathan interviewed ... Baby & Toddler Show ... Laura Marling interview ... Local books round-up ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who volunteered him to join Price Harry on his next tour of Afghanistan.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make his confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy.
I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"She is pretty old now, should I tell her the war is over?"
(Thanks Peter)

Maria, the maid, asks for a pay rise.
Madam is cross about this and asks: "Now, Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria replies, "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
"Who says you iron better than me?"
Maria answers, "The Master says so."
"Oh..." Madam replies.
Maria continues, "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
"Nonsense!" says Madam. "Who says you are a better cook than I?"
Maria answers, "The Master does, Madam."
Madam doesn't have an answer.
"My third reason," Maria adds, "is that I am a better lover than you."
Very upset now, Madam asks, "Did the Master say that as well?"
"No, Madam," Maria answers, "the chauffeur did."
(Thanks Beedle)

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after leaving the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 100mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his police car, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief Constable. Urgently." he says.
After a while, the Chief Constable gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo doing a hundred and five. "Why have you called me away from an important meeting just to tell me this?!," says the Chie Constable. "Why don’t you just have him for speeding?"
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," says the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason! We enforce the law in this county, regardless of people's status."
"No, I mean he's really important," said the cop. "Like really, really, really important."
The Chief then asked, "So who is he? Some big businessman?"
Cop: "Bigger"
Chief: "MP? Minister? Prime Minister?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as his chauffeur!!"
(Thanks Ellie)

This little old lady is walking her dog around the local lake. It is a cold morning and the lake is still frozen.
All of a sudden her little dog spots a duck on the ice and chases after it. The dog falls through the ice and the little old lady starts screaming for help.
"Help, help.... my dog has fallen into the lake!"
Watching all the commotion is a German jogger who sprints over to the lady and says "Vot is zee matter viz your dog? Can I help?"
"Oh yes please" says the old lady, so the jogger wades in and saves the dog and puts it on the bank beside the old lady.
"Oh you are so kind, are you a vet?"
"VET!" replied the German.... "VET?! I'm soaked!"
(Thanks Stella)

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
The reality of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage?
He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" he asked.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
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"That was Thora Hird."
(Thanks Robin. You win this week's star prize, a DVD called 'Football My Arse' which has Ricky Tomlinson in it. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. There's a prize for the best one each week. OR you could send us a joke on behalf of your firm, club or your campaign to secure the Republican nomination and we'll tell all 4,000 of our spamvictims your web address. An' that's good advertisin'. So don't delay. Hit the REPLY button now and thrill our inbox with your funny. Remember that thickness is more pleasurable than length.

Websites

Government advice www.hmrc.gov.uk/manuals
(Thanks Jack)

Superb cuddly toy gifts for the infectious person in your life. www.giantmicrobes.com
(Thanks Joe)

Test your reactions by tranquillizing sheep. www.bbc.co.uk
(Thanks Pam)

World map of Prince Philip gaffes www.aardvarkmap.net

Size matters, apparently. Women’s preference chart. Worksafe. farm1.static.flickr.com

One for the oldies. Cute tune. www.heraldnet.com/article

Bookshelf Stairs www.apartmenttherapy.com/ny

For all your kids' Catholic fancy dress needs. www.catholichomeandgarden.com

Drummer with glow-in-the-dark paint on. Spooky. www.youtube.com

Gorgeous high-definition pics abduzeedo.com

And please remember to buy Venue. The management will go on a corporate team-building seal-clubbing weekend if you don't.

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