Take a Break ...

... Is the name of a completely different magazine to Venue. This week's Venue does, however, invite you to pack a few things for the weekend and join it for:

SHORT BREAKS GUIDE - Nothing long or expensive, but it's a long time between Christmas and the spring, and we've got lots of great ideas for small holidays from the energetic to the relaxing, and none more than three hours away.

SMALL WONDERS - Meet the artist who creates the world's smallest sculptures - from fragments of rice, sand and sugar as his work goes on show in Bath.

JACK BLACK - The rockin' actor/musician talks about 'Be Kind Rewind', a film about making very cheap movies.

PLUS ... Literary superstar line-up for Bath ... DJ legend James Lavelle comes to town ... Mother's Day ideas ... Stage legend Alan Ayckbourn interviewed ... Win a makeover! ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell the your boss what you said about him appearing in that new David Attenborough series.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

On her 70th birthday, an old spinster decides it's time to finally get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local paper:

"Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person."

The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.

She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!"

(Thanks Toni)

A woman is in court for shoplifting.

The judge asks her: "So what did you take from the shop?"

The lady replied, "A tin of peaches."

The judge said, "OK, how many peaches were in the tin"?

"Six" she answered.

Well I'm going to sentence you to six days in prison, one day for every peach.

A man at the back stands up and asks to speak.

"Let him speak says the judge."

The man says, "I'm the lady's husband, and can I just say...she also took a tin of peas."

(Thanks Chris)

A guy meets this girl in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen! I want you for my wife."

"Oh," she says, "that's different. Send her in!"

(Thanks Maura)

Sally was going out with a boy for the first time. She told her grandmother about it.

"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys," the grandmother said. Grandma advised, "He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel under your blouse. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand up your skirt. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

"But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, Sally went off on her date.

When she got back, her grandmother was waiting for her. "How did it go?" she asked. "Were you a good girl?"

"Well... I did let him put his hands on me," she admitted.

"Oh..." Grandma replied. "What else?"

"Then he wanted to get on top of me, just like you said," Sally said, "but I didn't let him do it!"

"Good girl!" said Grandma. "You didn't let him disgrace our family."

"That's right!" the granddaughter said, smiling. "I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

(Thanks Ellie)

In negotiations with unions a few years ago, Air Canada agreed to increase the number of people with disabilities it employed. A few weeks after this, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke.

None was forthcoming.

The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands. Then over the PA system they heard the co-pilot say to the pilot, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die!"

(Thanks Scott)

Before marriage …

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After ten years of marriage …

Simply read from bottom to top (in reverse order)

(Thanks Peter. You win this week's star prize, a rude book called 'How to Talk Dirty'. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff that you can always give to someone as a mother's day gift or use to prop up a wobbly table-leg. So don't delay. Hit that REPLY button now and make our inbox tingle with your honeyed words of jokeness.

Surf!

Amazing thing with pool tables and dominoes www.youtube.com

F*** Planet Earth. NB: SWEARY!! www.youtube.com

1000 cars racing at the same time. Mesmerising thing made from computer game. www.gametrailers.com

The world’s most cringeworthy infomercial www.youtube.com

Stupidity. In so many different ways. news.sky.com/skynews

Things eaten by trees elitefeet.com

Extreme plastic surgery www.plastic-surgeon-directory.com

Paris at night. Beautiful picture. upload.wikimedia.org

“You cannot remove your fingerprints with pineapple.” www.thomasscott.net

World’s most controversial boardgames deputy-dog.com

And please remember to buy Venue. We're going to have to use our desks for firewood if you don't.

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