A mouth-watering plate of succulent words, tasty little commas and full-stops and the finest organic photographs made from free-range pixels ... This isn't just a magazine, it's Venue magazine:

CHEAP EATS - Your free guide to the best foodie bargains in Bristol and Bath, from the cheap and cheerful to the inside info on how to eat at very smart places for as little as poss. Plus lots of special offers, too.

TELLY - It's not (just) wildlife docs, y'know. As 'Skins II' beds in for a new season, we grab the remote and take a look at the huge wealth of TV programmes made round these parts.

PLUS - Roni Size interviewed as Reprazent returns ... Bristol Short Story Prize ... Bath Literature Festival ... Half-term family fun ideas ... Bath Cider Festival ... Take the train to London for a tenner offer ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell the Council you've said the Bristol-Bath cyclepath can be re-routed through your living room.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes, is it?

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms.
The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. But they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

(Thanks Jack)

Rules for your Boss
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

(Thanks Jon)

Senility …

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

(Thanks Happy Gasgirl)

The American lawyer had had a really hard day. His client, Joe Wright, was due to hang for murder at midnight. He had put in a desperate plea for clemency to the state governor, but there was an election coming up and the governor was fighting on a law-and-order platform. The plea failed, and the attorney returned home, depressed and exhausted.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Your dinner has gone cold, and I'm not warming it up again." On and on she went.
Too exhausted to argue, he went and got a drink and went for a bath, followed by his wife's complaints and sarcasm as he went up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that Joe Wright had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
To which he turned and yelled: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

(Thanks Maura. You win this week's star prize, a mystery selection of CDs, some of them by people you've heard of. Mail us a postal address if you wants it.)

Please send jokes so's we can keep hassling you to buy Venue. Best one every week wins some stuff. Stuff which will be of value to someone, even if you think it's rubbish. Or you can send us a sponsored joke on behalf of your firm, club, campaign or conspiracy and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don’t hang about. Hit that REPLY button now and grease our glands with your sticky jokeness.

Websites?

Amazing ants. Stick with it for a few minutes to see what happens when you pour ten tonnes of cement into an ant-hole. uk.youtube.com

The awesomeness of George Washington www.collegehumor.com

Music PR. Possibly the lowest form of human life. www.lostintheshowbiz.

Pete Doherty’s drug dealer (Not worksafe) uk.youtube.com

Homeys! But very uncool. www.homeys.biz

Eat like Elvis hemsidor.torget.se

Coolest fishtank ever www.lumieres.lyon.fr

World’s largest wind turbine www.metaefficient.com

3D Tetris! www.tetrical.com

Rap explained by graphs www.jamphat.com

And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to introduce sharia law to the office if you do.

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