This could be THE ONE, so get your hair done, get a new outfit, use the expensive perfume/aftershave and then go and wait anxiously at the newsagents for this week's Venue. You could end up spending the rest of your lives together:

IT'S LOVE - Venue comes over all romantic, with everything from the Love exhibition at Bristol City Museum to a night of flirting to lots of cliché-free ideas for St. Val's Day.

SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH - The natural history man talks to Venue about his long-running 'Life' series and looks back on eight decades of life in the wild.

JUNO - It's a comedy about unplanned teenage pregnancy, a hot Oscar contender and it's coming soon. Meet the former stripper who wrote the script.

PLUS - chart-topping starlet Amy MacDonald ... Vintage fashion ... Lingerie special ... African Soul Rebel Tony Allen ... Valentine's dining ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

AND – if you responded to our mail of last Friday hassling you to place a Valentine message, you can, like, read it. In Venue.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss you want next month's pay in First Bus change tickets.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokeytime

One liners

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
- Susan Murray

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork ...
- Markus Birdman

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones
(Thanks Rina)

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
"Me!"
(Thanks Jack)

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!" and he'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
(Thanks Donna)

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!" General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently as he was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
(Thanks Nick)


The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
We don't buy toilet paper there any more.
(Thanks Keith; you win this week's star prize, his 'n' hers pants courtesy of fine Bristolian fashion firm Beast Clothing. Mail us a postal address if you want them.)

Please send us jokes. Best one every week wins some stuff from the office which might be great, or might earn you several pence on eBay. So don’t delay. Hit that REPLY button now and stimulate our puckering inbox with the tumescence of an overripe metaphor.

Websites

Dolphins www.metacafe.com

Soviet theme park. Better than Disneyworld. www.grutoparkas.lt

Amazing sandcastles www.travelburner.com

One way of dealing with corruption mutiny.in/2008/01/18

How to do spectacular combat footage with just three people. www.youtube.com

A site about sheds. www.readersheds.co.uk

Stoners go hi-tech www.yikers.com

I mean, what the ... ? Ouchy the Clown. So very, very VERY NOT WORKSAFE!!! www.ouchytheclown.com

Australian cookery telly bloke bloopers. Very funny, in a very sweary way. www.youtube.com

The internet has a party. Cleverfunny. Not worksafe. www.cracked.com

Please buy this week's Venue. The management have promised to treat us as well as their battery chickens if you do.

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