Put on your leather trousers, get out your hair-biggening spray and strut down the newsagent's for this week's Venue, a magazine so heavy that each page is printed on inch-thick sheets of steel. Well, not really, but it should be.

HEAVY METAL - From old-school hard rock to Scandinavian doom, heavy metal's become a diverse, world-conquering beast, and it's thriving in Bristol and Bath. Come and meet some of the area's heaviest people.

CULTURE CRASH - From the Old Vic to At-Bristol to funding cuts, Bristol's arts and culture scene has been rocked by closure and crisis. But are things as bad as they look? Special report.

LONG WALK - A bloke called Saoirse plans to walk from Bristol to India taking no money in an attempt to travel through the goodwill and charity of people he meets, thus spreading his message of 'Freeconomy'.

PLUS ... Sunday roast guide (vegetarians included) ... Johnny Depp & Tim Burton on 'Sweeney Todd' ... Bristol Storytelling Festival ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Alistair Darling that you're going to buy Northern Rock for fifty billion quid.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

I do a lot of travel on my job. An article in the newspaper said that the chances of having a passenger on a plane with a bomb was one in a thousand. That seemed too high for comfort when you fly around a lot. Then I did a quick calculation and discovered that the probability of having two of them is one in a million. So I went out and got me a bomb.
(Thanks Jack)

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies,"Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
(Thanks to Richard for those)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
(Thanks Robin)

The psychiatrist's receptionist comes into his office and says, "There's a man out in the waiting room who wants to see you. He says he's invisible."
The psychiatrist replies: "Tell him I can't see him."
(Thanks Ellie)

Sally just got divorced after 20 years of marriage and decided to take a few evening classes just to get out of the house and make some new friends. She was in the café telling her friend Janet about the First Aid course she's on. "Last night," she said, "they taught us how to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
"Wow!," said Jane. "Was it difficult?"
"No, not at all," said Sally. "All you have to do is try and breathe life into a dummy. I did that for years!"
(Thanks Maura)

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. I'm having a party Friday night ... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
(Thanks Sara)

It was a cold, wet gloomy January afternoon when a travel agent noticed a loveable-looking old couple peering in his shop window at the posters showing glamorous global destinations. The previous year had been good for him - the best ever. Seeing these two old people who couldn't afford a nice holiday he decided to be generous. He invited them into the shop and said, "This business has been very good to me. I want to give a little something back, and so I'm going to send you both on a fabulous sunny Mediterranean cruise and I'm not going to take no for an answer!"
He had his secretary take all their details and arrange the tickets for them, along with some spending money as well. The two old folks were very grateful!
A month later the little old lady entered his shop. "How did you like your cruise?" he asked her.
"Oh everything was wonderful," she replied. "I came here to thank you but, one thing puzzled me."
"What's that?" he asked.
"Who was that old guy I had to share a cabin with?"
(Thanks Mont.)

My wife came home yesterday and said, "The car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was, and she told me there was water in the carburettor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I don't mean this offensively, but you don't know the carburettor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"OK dear, that's fine. I'll go take a look... where is it?"
"In the lake."
(Thanks Frankie, you win this week's star spam prize, a funny book about silly American laws. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff which if you don't want you can sell to buy food with. So don't delay - hit the REPLY button now, spread our eager, trembly inbox open, and thrust in your masterful funnyness.

Websites

Rocking biologists. www.cnpg.com/video
(Thanks Pam)

Goths of the world, rejoice! news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi

Gary the Panda. Funny. www.garythepanda.co.uk
(Thanks Steve)

French AIDS charity ad. Not worksafe. www.lepoison.com/sidaction

"When the Patient is a Googler" - interesting article from the Doctor's side. www.time.com/time/printout

Microsoft for kids gizmodo.com/photogallery

The windscreen of the future www.wired.com

Cat attack uk.youtube.com/watch

'Celine Dion is Amazing', claim the compilers of this. 'Absolutely bloody barking' would be more nearer the mark. uk.youtube.com/watch

Atheist slogans scienceblogs.com

And please remember to buy Venue - the management have said they might pay us if you do.

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