So it's January and the credit card bill's come in and it's still ages to pay-day and life is pretty grim, right? Not if you get this week's Venue, it isn't! It's got:

GLAD RAGS - Don't let January get in the way of a new(ish) set of threads - a quick rummage through your local charity shop can kit you out in seasonal vintage classic - and not a mysteriously-stained, ill-fitting cardigan in sight. Plus ten fun outings that won't cost you a penny!

MURDER - Bristol and Bath have been the scene of some peculiarly grisly murders down the years, from a Clifton-haunting homicidal dwarf to the mystery of the Marconi 'suicides'. We investigate the West Country's most notorious killings.

NICHOLAS PARSONS - He's 84 years old, he's been in showbiz since the Stone Age and his doctor dad may well have delivered baby Margaret Thatcher. Meet the comedy (and TV game show) legend who's coming to Bristol's Slapstick Festival.

PLUS - The Bristol Festival - aiming to fill the Ashton Court gap ... Love exhibition ... Pauline Quirke's drama academy ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Britney she can come and stay at yours while she's sorting herself out.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

Q. What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
A. An egg
(Thanks to Jack, D-M and Helz for that one)

Male or Female?
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. !
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying (Thanks Donna)

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

(Thanks Jack)

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?". The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, me old mate, me old mucker, but we are right out of Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"
The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves ...
..... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you" To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house".
The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"
The rabbit says, "Yes I know".
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".
The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"
"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"NO!" said the barman," What from?".
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"Mixin'-me-toasties".

(Thanks Robin)

Q. What is the difference between pink and purple?
A. Grip!

(Thanks Ellie)

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Xmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But with luck, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

(Thanks Susan; you win this week's star prize, a DVD of classic movie 'Don't Look Now'. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff from the Venue office. Even though there's not much around at the moment due to it being January, we'll find you something. Maybe you could win a work experience student, or an ashtray full of old rubber bands. So don't delay! Hit the REPLY button and stimulate our funnyness glands with the expert movements of your urgently probing humour-tongue.

Websites

David Lynch on iPhone. He's got a point, you know. www.youtube.com/watch

Ralph for President! www.todaysbigthing.com

Oh hi! tinypic.com

Robot made from a toothbrush www.evilmadscientist.com

Videos of a man chopping things up with a really big axe. Educational. terryschopshop.blogspot.com

Funny and (very occasionally) informative book for free download. www.scribd.com/doc

Another one of them weird Japanese game shows. www.youtube.com (Thanks Katie)

Cheers! www.flickr.com/photo_zoom

That Guardian article about why Facebook is evil. www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2008

Badass wheelchair www.tankchair.com

And please remember to buy Venue. If you don't the management will take our clothes and sell them in a charity shop to try and meet this month's profit targets.

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