Big, steaming joy!

Venue magazine's bumper joyful two-week Christmas and New Year edition is in the shops on Wednesday, and it's a big fruity steaming thing packed with seasonal joy, and it lasts for two weeks.

TOP BANANAS OF 2007 - The best people, places and achievements round these parts in 2007. Sort of like the Oscars, only more glamorous.

REVIEW OF THE YEAR - Our expert pundits and critics look back on year in Bristol's news, arts and entertainment. Funnier than it sounds.

PICTURE QUIZ - Just the thing to bring the whole family together; our bumper picture quiz. See if you can spot the well-known local places from the odd camera angles.

NEW YEAR'S EVE - Don't go out on Dec 31 before consulting our guide to all the best parties and club nights.

PLUS - World's most cynical telly guide ... New Year's resolutions ... Win Circus of Horror tickets ... And loads more, including your complete local entertainment guide. Did we mention it lasts two weeks?

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell the Council that you've offered to let them build the Arena at your house.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Merry Jingle Jokes

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's briefs.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

(Thanks Pam)

Little Billy and his young brother Johnny were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, they knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...

I PRAY FOR A NINTENDO WII...

I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER..."

"Why are you shouting so loud?" said Johnny. "God can hear you just as well if you pray quietly."

"God can hear me if I pray quietly," said Billy, "but Grandad can't."

(Thanks Maura)

Imagine my joy when getting out the Christmas decorations, I found a present which I forgot to give to the kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.

Such a pity it was a puppy.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with death, one blonde turned to the other and said: "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

(Thanks to Matt for those three)

This is my new year's resolution to get fitter - try it.

If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first,  then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. And of course if you're older you should always consult your doctor before starting any new exercise regime.  Ready?

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SCROLL DOWN ...

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NOW SCROLL UP...

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That's enough for the first day. Well done!

Have a glass of wine and a cigarette.

(Thanks Mel)

Finally, Christmas was over and the elves were taking off for their well-deserved break.

Trevor, the foreman elf says, "I bloody well deserve this! I've been slaving my guts out for eleven months. I'm going to go to Miami to do nothing for a few weeks but get stinking drunk, shag as many women as I can and sit in the sun to get this bloody North Pole cold out of my bones."

So he flies to Miami, checks into a swanky hotel and then heads straight for the bar. He spots a gorgeous, tall, well-built blonde sitting alone sipping a drink.

So he goes over, climbs on the stool next to her and orders a margarita. He downs it, orders another one, downs that too. He smiles at the blonde and says, "Hi sweetie, I'm Trevor, Santa's lead elf. What would you say to a little f**k?"

She looks down and says. "Hello, you little f**k!"

(Thanks Billiam. You win this week's seasonal star prize, a copy of the Old Bristle Almanac, the funny local funny book by Harry Stoke and Vinny Green. The perfect stocking filler for everyone who's ever been to Bristol, and in all good local bookshops now, price £5.95. Mail us a postal address right away.)

Please send us jokes. We're all going to need a good laugh come January. The best joke each week wins some stuff, which you might be able to use in part-payment of your January credit card bill. Well, you never know. So don't delay; put off that last-minute panic-shopping for another ten minutes, hit the REPLY button and empty your sack into our gaping, festive inbox.

Merry links:

Spending a load of money on crap this Chrstmas? Now salve your conscience. www.justgiving.com

The bestest Christmas song ever! NOT WORKSAFE!!! members.aol.com/smellyfartybum

Weird foreign Xmas tradition en.wikipedia.org/wiki

Santa. fukung.net/images

Excellent collection of pictures of Santa with upset children gigababy.blogspot.com

Alternative Christmas Cards (Not entirely worksafe) www.b3ta.com/challenge

Something you'll never see in this country www.youtube.com/watch

How to photograph Christmas lights www.5min.com/Video

Modern Nativity scene twid.bibulus.org

Thirty years' worth of Star Wars Christmas cards www.slashfilm.com

Petition to save the Bristol Arena project www.petitiononline.com/bsarena/petition

And please remember to buy the bumper two-week Venue Joyful Christmas edition. The management have promised us all a walnut and a satsuma to share if you do.

And a very merry Christmas and a happy new year to all our spamvictims.

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Cheers then.

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