Lighting Up!

Cheer up! It's nearly Christmas! This week's almost-festive Venue, which you get from the almost-merry newsagent, is full of comfort and joy:

LIGHT UP BRISTOL - Back for another year, some of the finest creative brains in town bring you a spectacular seasonal light show, complete with blizzards every hour. How do they do that?

KING LOUIS - From local bands making a nervous debut to Amy Winehouse and The Libertines, they've all played the Louisiana, the legendary Bristol venue now celebrating its 20th birthday.

GO FOR A WALK - Frazzled by Christmas shopping and endless adverts for crap you don't need? Then join us and learn a little more about where you live on one of our urban walks.

PLUS ... New Bob Dylan movie ... Film director Gus Van Sant on ' Paranoid Park' ... Where to find Santa ... Win Christmas stuff ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Santa that all you want for Christmas is world peace and an end to hunger and suffering, but no presents.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokeytime

Just seen a sign outside B&Q saying, "Stainless Steel Sinks".

Bit obvious, I thought.

(Thanks Belle)

Bloke goes to the doctor's and says, "Doc, please check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh. You'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "give me 20 quid. I really need 20 quid!"

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before!" the doctor said.

"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee," the man continued.

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "I really need ten pounds. Lend me ten quid until next week, please!"

The doctor was dumbfounded. "How long has this been going on?" he asked

"It just started. But that's not all. There's more. Put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need a fiver. Lend me five quid! Please!"

"Ah," says the Doctor. "I realise what this is now. I know what's wrong with you. Your leg is broke in three places."

(Thanks Patch. We expect a full apology soon.)

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know - she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT?"

(Thanks Maura)

The Man Rules

We always hear 'the rules'from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

(Thanks Peter)

A loving couple were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, at home with a bottle of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth, I have been unfaithful on three occasions."

"What? How could you?" he gasped.

"But I only ever did it for your sake!" she protested. "The first time was when we were on honeymoon in the USA and you needed an emergency operation and we didn't have any insurance or enough money. So I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to perform the operation for free."

"Well, OK, that was really good of you," he said. "So I should be grateful. But tell me, what about the second time?"

"Do you remember the time when you really wanted that promotion to manager at work? And how they were going to give the job to some other bloke? Well I went to bed with the MD, and so he gave you the job."

"What! I deserved that job!" he said. "But now you mention it, I do remember that everyone said it would probably go to that idiot Stevens, and everyone was surprised when I got it, so I suppose I should be grateful for that one too. What about the third time?"

"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become chairman of the cricket club? And how you were behind by 12 votes..."

(Thanks Ellie; you win this week's star prize, a selection of recent singles from a number of popular and unpopular musicians. Will do nicely for your Secret Santa. Send us a postal address.)

Please send us jokes. We'd like to be able to promise a bumper Christmas hamper or lovely things for the best joke next week, but it'll probably just be a book or CD, but it might be something you want. So anyway, don't delay, send us jokes, preferably seasonal ones; hit the REPLY button and squirt the contents of your humournessness into our gaping inbox right away.

Links

Need more cuteness in your life? www.cuteoverload.com

(Thanks Jack)

Amazing things done with forks damncoolpics.blogspot.com/

(Thanks Jack)

We've mentioned this before, but it's worth another look if you've not seen it lately. Prepared to have your head messed with.

zoomquilt2.madmindworx.com/

(Thanks Derek)

How embarrassing is that?! delawareonline.com/apps

A song about pork www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Pork/

Tricks of the trade www.chemistryland.com

How Stonehenge was built snarfd.com/2007/12/07/stonehenge-the-incredibly-simple-secret-of-how-it-was-built/

Amazon review of a ballpoint pen www.amazon.co.uk/review/

Nigerian scammer scammed. Worth reading all the way through. 419eater.com/html/okorie

And please remember to buy Venue. The management have said they'll get us a nice red canoe for Christmas and buy us lots of life insurance if you do.

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