Get up. Put on basque, fishnets and top hat and get down the newsagents. If not arrested, return with this week's Venue with:

THE BIG TEASE - Whether you think it's glamorous and tasteful, or just tassel-swirling titillation, burlesque cabaret is big in Bristol and Bath right now. Join us at the best table in the house to see what the fuss is about.

VOTE SUSTRANS! - The local charity behind the National Cycle Network is in line for £50 in Lottery cash on a TV vote. We'll tell you why to vote Bristol, and not Birmingham.

GLOBAL DIRECTORY - Your FREE 56-page guide to the local shops and organisations that'll help you do your bit for world development and saving the planet.

PLUS - Art and Stokes Croft ... The Cabot Circus artist ... Christmas booze guide ... Win Led Zep on DVD ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

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Jokes

Steve is back on leave from the Royal Marines. It's a long way back to the old town and he's battle-scarred and exhausted, so decides to stop at a motel for the night.

But the receptionist tells him that every room is taken. "Please," he says, "I've been on a gruelling tour of duty in Afghanistan. I just need to put my head down for a while. You must have something!"

"Well," she says, "There is one bed left. In a double room. There's already someone in there, though, a sales rep. I'm sure he'll be glad to split the cost of the room with you. But there is a problem. He snores very loudly, and people in the neighbouring rooms have been complaining about him. I don't think you'd want to sleep in the same room."

"No problem," says Steve. "I'll take it!" The next morning after breakfast he's checking out, wide awake and well rested. "How did you sleep?" asked the receptionist.

"Like a baby," says Steve. "So you had no problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "Nah, I shut him up in no time," said Steve. "How'd you manage that?" "Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room. So I gave him a kiss on the cheek and whispered in his ear, 'Good night gorgeous'. I think he stayed awake all night after that."

(Thanks Eugene)

Two [insert whichever nationality your culture stereotypes as thick] hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. But as they start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "Steady on guys. The plane can only take the weight of four of those."

The two lads object strongly: "Last year we shot six, and that pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six moose are loaded into the little plane. However, even with full power, it can't handle the load. Down it goes and

crashes in the middle of nowhere. A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, the pilot turns angrily to the hunters and says: "Well, now you've done it. Do you have any idea at all where we are?"

The hunters look around, then one says: "No worries. We're pretty close to where we crashed this time last year." (Thanks Pam)

Every day, a office worker walks up very close to his colleague, a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget!"

(Thanks Jake)

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and soon notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well sister", says the cabbie, taking a deep breath, " you see, I've always had this fantasy about being kissed by a nun." She responds, "Perhaps I can help you, my son. But firstly, you have to be single, and secondly you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and exclaims, "Yes! I am single and a Catholic! "Very well", says the nun. "Pull into the next alleyway." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver suddenly bursts into tears.

"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you weeping?" "Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you just now. I must confess ... I'm married and... and...I'm Jewish."

"That's okay," says the nun. "My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Sing-along-a-Sound Of Music evening." (Thanks Rina)

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant. "No, it kills them" was the reply. (Thanks Jerry)

Doctor, doctor! I've got hereditary diarrhoea! Don't be silly. Diarrhoea doesn't, um, run in families! But it's in my genes!

(Thanks Schnorrer)

The tour guide was giving the usual tour to a group of visitors at the natural history museum. The group passed by the immense display where the fossilised bones of a huge dinosaur had been carefully re-assembled.

One tourist asked the guide, "How old are those dinosaur bones?" The guide answered, "They are 90,000,006 years and 8 months old." The tourist replied, "That's an exact figure. How do you know that so precisely?" "Well, they told me they were 90 million years old when I started working here, and that was 6 years and 8 months ago." (Thanks Mel. You win this week's star prize, a couple of promotional T-shirts and a cool bag from The Simpsons Movie – send us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Unless we get jokes, we will be sending you a selection of the poetry we wrote at the age of 14. Best joke each week wins some cool stuff, or some crap stuff, or something that might be suitable as a Christmas present. So don't delay – hit that REPLY button and run your tongue of jokes teasingly around our puckering inbox.

Have a wee drop of websites afore ye go …

Nice little tune. And local. www.youtube.com/watch

Naked men in suburbia with catchy marching song. Not totally worksafe.www.youtube.com/watch? (Thanks Jack)

Weird toys from round the world www.cracked.com/article

"Men who look like old lesbians" menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com

Game for a good cause, in case you've not already seen it www.freerice.com

The Rocky movies in summary: youtube.com/watch?

We particularly liked the line: "If your hamster falls into the toilet/That'll spoil it." poorhamster.ytmnd.com

25 Movies that make men cry www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews

Cartoons. Often funny. pencilsatdawn.wordpress.com/

News story from a few weeks back. In case you've not already seen it, people who buy scratchcards ARE morons - official.

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news

And please remember to buy Venue - the management have promised us porridge for Christmas dinner if you do.

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Cheers then.