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Log on and surf the interweb if you want, but you won't find this week's Venue there. For that, you'll have to go into meatspace on Wednesday and get down the newsagents for:
CYBER I UP! - Many ordinary-looking Bristolians have secret lives as seriously big fish out there in cyberspace. Meet some local folks who are making a lot of noise on the World Wide Web.
SUPER FURRY ANIMALS - We meet Wales's finest ahead of their lengthy tour to air new album 'Hey Venus!'
DAVID CRONENBERG - The cult director on his new film, an everyday tale of brutality and Russian mobsters. ("We've discovered that we get two thumbs up from Russian criminals ... We're not sure whose thumbs they are.")
PLUS - Bristol Radical History Week ... Death exhibition ... The Superjumbo ... Halloween family fun ... Win Hendrix on DVD ... Bristol's leading food family ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or the Council will build an Airbus bus stop right outside your house
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes, then ...
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN - Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT - When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
(Thanks Pam)
The Whys of Men
1. Why do men become smarter during sex?
- Because they are plugged into a genius
2. Why don't women blink during sex?
- They don't have enough time
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
- They don't stop to ask directions
4. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
- Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.
5. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
- So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.
6. Why did God make men before women?
- You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.
7. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
- Don't know ... it never happened.
8. Why did God put men on earth?
- Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
(Thanks Donna)
A little girl asked her mother, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Her mother replied, "No, because she is on heat."
"What's that mean?"' asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the lead and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the lead.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the road, so another dog is pushing her home."
(Thanks Nick)
Q. What do you call an Egyptian car mechanic?
A. Tooting car-man!
(Thanks Karen)
The US sub-prime crisis has now hit Japan in a big way. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday it was confirmed that Karaoke Bank was up for sale - and will likely go for a song. Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. 500 staff at Karate Bank also got the chop. Analysts report that there's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there feel that they are likely to get a raw deal.
(Thanks Joe)
A Bristol City Council staffer was sitting in his office at the Council House just twiddling his thumbs one afternoon. Out of boredom, he opened up an old filing cabinet just to see what was in there. Poking through the contents, he came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he said to himself. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," the genie said.
"I wish to be on a beautiful island in the Caribbean," the man said.
"Your wish is granted," replied the genie. And ZZAP!! ... He was on a gorgeous beach.
After overcoming his initial surprise, he stated his second wish. "I wish to be waited on hand and foot by beautiful women."
"Your wish is granted," the genie said. And ZZAP!! ... He was instantly surrounded by a crowd of beautiful women attending to his every need.
He then stated his third and last wish: "I wish to never have to work ever again."
"Your wish is granted," said the genie. And ZZAP!! ... He was back in his office at the Council House.
(Thanks Baz. You win this week's star prize, a rather nifty notepad courtesy of that last Pirates of the Caribbean flick. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)
Please send joke. Best joke each week wins some stuff; next weekÕs prize is a biog of Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood, which would probably make a good Christmas present for your granddad. Or send in joke on behalf of club, company or sinister international conspiracy controlled by the Duke of Edinburgh which murdered Princess Di, apparently. Jokes are the wind beneath our wings and all that, so don't delay. Hit that REPLY button and tantalise our inbox with your flimsy and revealing humour right now.
Some websites, afore ye go ...
Really, really gross pics of aftermath of rattlesnake bite.
www.rattlesnakebite.org
Creative uses for old stuff
freshpics.blogspot.com
Chinese kid with too much time to spare
www.hemmy.net
The perfect Christmas gift - NOT WORKSAFE
www.highjoyproducts.com
(Thanks Jack)
The opposite of Facebook
www.hatebook.org
Different ways to go and what happens
www.newscientist.com
Bet you can't do this
uk.youtube.com:80
(Thanks Robin)
Swiss ice storm. Amazing pics.
bestpicsaround.com
The six most terrifying foods in the world
www.cracked.com
Swedish nightclubs vs. British ones
axwell.proboards38.com
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised us three hours' sleep this week if you do.
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Cheers then.
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