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In the movies, you'd be driving your open-top car to the most glamorous newsagents in town AND get a parking space right outside the shop, where George Clooney would serve you with your Mars Bar and this week's edition of Venue with:
CATHY COMES HOME - Bristol's famous for film and telly. Aardman, Natural History films ... and sex. Join us behind the scenes of the UK's most successful adult film studio, and meet Bristol's adult movie queen, Cathy Barry. Plus: local erotic fiction author confesses all.
BOOMTIME RAT - From its unpronounceable title to its central premise - a rat, in a restaurant - 'Ratatouille' sounds like a recipe for failure, but it's quite the opposite. Meet Director Brad Bird.
BLACK SHEEP - Billed as this year's 'Shaun of the Dead', comedy-horror flick 'Black Sheep' gets in every sheep-related joke you could think of. Ewe'll love it.
PLUS - Win a party! ... Militant smokers on the march ... AC Grayling ... A day out at Slimbridge ... Half-term family fun ... The Proclaimers interviewed ... Carmen at the Tobacco Factory ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone the general election is back on after all, but only at your house.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, were vacationing in California. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope," she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
(Thanks Chris)
Today was the happiest day of my life.
My life is now complete.
Arrived at the church, husband waiting at the altar.
Walked up the aisle
Smiled
Kissed him on the cheek
And closed the lid.
(Thanks Jack)
According to a news report, a certain school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
(Thanks Peter)
Joe's wife was fond of singing, so she joined the choir at her local church. Every evening after dinner she would rehearse in the kitchen, but whenever she started to sing, Joe would go and stand out in the garden.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"
"Of course I love your singing, dear!" he lied.
"I just want to be sure that the neighbours know that I'm not a wife-beater."
(Thanks Dave)
"Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?" asked his wife.
"Would you play with someone who curses after every shot, cheats in the bunkers, and enters false scores on his card?" her husband replied.
"Good heavens no!" she said.
"Neither will Bob!" he sighed.
(Thanks PolZ)
Two Essex girls are talking about their weekend.
"I went out with an intellectual."
"An intellectual? What's that then?"
"A man who is very intelligent. He lectures at a university and that."
"So how was it?"
"Nice. First he took me out to dinner. Then we went on to the theatre and watched a play. Then we went back to his place and had a conversation about religion. Then he undressed me and took out his pe**s." (Sorry for the wussy asterisks, but we're trying to get past your corporate spam-traps here, folks.)
"A pe**s? What's that then?"
"Oh, it's what intellectuals have. It's kind of like a dick, only smaller."
(Thanks Maura)
John arrives home from work, exhausted, at 5PM. As soon as he gets through the door, his wife Mary is having a go at him:
"Why don't you ever wipe your feet before walking into the house? I thought you said you were coming home at lunchtime today! Where's the shopping I asked you to get on the way home? You left the toilet seat up again this morning! Don't you ever think of buying me flowers like you used to?" (etc.)
This goes on for nearly two hours and nothing John says or does seems to be right by her. By 7 PM, he has had enough. But he knows better than to argue back, so he tries a more tactical approach.
"Darling," he says, "Please, let's start again. I'll go back outside and shut the door. Then I'll open the door and come in. We can then pretend I've just come home. What do you think?"
"OK," Mary replies.
So John puts on his coat, goes outside, shuts the door, waits a minute, opens the door, and steps in with a smile on his face. He immediately announces, in a musical tone, "Oh, darling, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" says Mary, "It's past seven o'clock!"
(Thanks M-L. You win this week's star prize, a small selection of CDs, including works by Take That and Enrique Iglesias. Mail us a postal address if you want 'em.)
Please send us jokes (though not through the post); the best one received each week wins a prize drawn from the piles of stuff in the Venue office, which is like an Aladdin's cave of flotsam from modern entertainment consumerism. Or send us a gag on behalf of your club, company or shadowy international conspiracy that murdered Di & Dodi, and we'll tell everyone your website address. So don't delay; hit that REPLY button now and take our inbox roughly with your magnificent jokehood.
Linkys
Weird Meat
www.weirdmeat.com
The Barbie Doll Electric Chair Science Fair Project!
www.instructables.com
The URL says it all
www.museumofbadart.org
Apparently they don't do it with cards, but with clothes with different coloured linings.
www.youtube.com
How to find a drummer for your band
www.themorningnews.org
Behold the atheist's nightmare: the banana.
www.youtube.com
Well that was a good read. Now what?
www.whatshouldireadnext.com
More dumb exam/homework answers
www.h2limousine.com
We've all been there.
www.microsoft.com
More of them funny demotivational posters
www.marcofolio.net
"The MySpace Angles..."
www.officialdatingresource.com
New positions in bed
ThingsMyGirlfriendAndIHaveArguedAbout.com
(Thanks Jack)
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised us a window if you do, though they might just have been joking.
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