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Here's a NOVEL idea. Turn over a new LEAF and make a BINDING commitment to BOOK yourself into the newsagents for this week's Venue. So don't be SPINE-less; having a Venue speaks VOLUMES about your good taste, and will raise the TOME of your home.
BOOKS SPECIAL - Venue's gone books-mad, with features on local publishers, authors, the Cheltenham Lit Fest and our map of who's reading what where.
JOY STORY - New movie 'Control' comes to town with the story of Ian Curtis and Joy Division. Meet the director, star and Joy Division guitarist Bernard Sumner.
DREAM TICKET - Midsummer Night's Dream performed by Indian dancers, actors and acrobats? It's got everyone raving from Stratford to Sri Lanka and it's here.
PLUS - Britain's grumpiest DJs ... Parties for kids ... Bristol Ferry Company ... Bath comedy king Geoff Whiting ... Fashion Week at the Mall ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
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Jokes
"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on.
"I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
(Thanks Ems)
Alex Ferguson flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to join the squad at Old Trafford.
Two weeks later Man U are 4-0 down at Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals and wins the game for Man U.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says (in an Iraqi accent). "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media - they all love me.
"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Manchester in the first place!"
(Thanks Tony)
A plane crashes on a desert island. The only survivors are the 2 pilots, the navigator and one of the cabin stewardesses.
Four weeks later, the stewardess kills herself because she's so disgusted with what she's doing.
Four weeks later, the men bury her because they're so disgusted with what they're doing.
Four weeks later, they dig her up again her because they're so disgusted with what they're doing.
(Thanks Rich)
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A six-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!
(Thanks Peter)
A Welsh sheep-farmer is out in one of his fields one day when he sees a hiker in the distance drinking with a cupped hand from the stream.
He shouts over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)
The man at the stream lifts his head and puts his hand to his ear signalling he can't hear, then shrugs and carries on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream can't hear him, the farmer moves closer and yells: "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)
Still the walker can't hear him.
The farmer runs right up to the man at the stream and says: "Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!" (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)
"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy! Do you speak English?" says the man in a posh English accent.
"Oh I see ... " says the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get plenty more in."
(Thanks Maura)
Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Mamou. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow that was having any difficulty breeding with a big towel.
This would cool her down and make her relax. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Lafayette to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. This time, the Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"
(Thanks Pam)
A member of whichever ethnic minority you consider especially stupid was driving along the motorway with his wife one day. They were overtaken by a lorry taking a load of cut turn to a garden centre.
"That's what I'm going to do when I'm rich," he says to his wife.
"Have the lawn taken away to be cut."
(Thanks Bez, you win this week's star prize, a couple of 'Simpsons' kid-sized T-shirts. You're probably not kid-sized, but you maybe have kids, nephews, nieces etc. and it'll be Christmas soon, so mail us a postal address so's we can be shot of them.)
Please send us jokes. Preferably jokes that are funny and which we haven't heard before. We'd especially like to hear from you if you're a member of the government department which actually makes the jokes in the first place; it'd be good to hear the jokes that are brand new, rather than the ones your network of highly-trained agents have already distributed in pubs and on the internet.
Best joke every week wins some tat, or send us one on behalf of your club, company or the Conservative party and if we run it we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. Don't delay - hit the REPLY button now and cross our sweaty palms with the purest silver of your jokeitude.
Cornwall's biggest secret
www.porthemmet.com
(Thanks Liz. And see this week's Venue for the backstory)
WTF?!! Japanese English textbook.
www.pizdaus.com
Acid house kids' telly ...
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Damian)
The Bible, done lolcats style.
www.vexappeal.com
The amazing upside-down house
freshome.com
Videos of America's best livestock auctioneers since 1963 in action. Bet you can't talk like that.
www.lmaweb.com
Lovely pics of bees at work
picasaweb.google.co.uk
Stuff you only see in China
www.fixedgeargallery.com
Cartoon instructions for life. The Spam Department nearly died of its funnyness.
www.basicinstructions.net
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to give us last year's Yellow Pages to burn for warmth over the winter if you do.
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