Time to get the uniform out of the wardrobe, check everything's up to scratch in your Barbie pencil case and get down to the newsagent's for this week's Venue, with:

AUTUMN CHEER - Forget our wash-out summer, because the next few months promise plenty of fabulous entertainment locally - including the new Tarantino movie, Indian Shakespeare, PJ Harvey, Happy Mondays, Beth Ditto, a rat with an unpronounceable name and a whole lot else.

OFFLOAD - A new eco-arts festival comes complete with solar-powered weevils and parkour lessons. Only in Bristol.

HIP HOPS - It's green, it's cheap and it's more popular than ever. Join the home-brewing revolution.

PLUS - Win tickets for 'Carmen' at the Hippodrome ... Bristol's permaculture guru ... 'Atonement' comes to the big screen ... Gravenhurst frontman Nick Talbot interviewed ... Heritage Open Days ... Central Studio Fashion Show ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell the kids to start the new term at your house while St Asbo's is being rebuilt.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.
"Impossible. All Canadians have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D- Day in June 1944,and I couldn't find any f***ing Frenchmen to show it to".
(Thanks Peter)

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.
(Thanks Jack)

So, there's a nice young lady who's unlucky in love. Her previous boyfriends have been a series of disasters, one after the other. They've either hit her, run away from her, or been rubbish between the sheets. After a really bad time of this, she decides to place at ad in the local lonely hearts column asking for a man who won't beat her up, won't run away, and are great in bed.
Well, the days and the weeks pass, no replies to her ad. She's disappointed, but naturally just getting on with her life, when one morning she hears a ring on the doorbell. She goes to the door to see a bloke sitting there in a wheelchair, with no arms and no legs. "I'm here about the lonely hearts", he says.
She invites him in, they chat for a bit, and they are getting on fine, but she feels she must check him out further.
"When I placed the ad, I specified three things. Do you match them?"
"Yup"
"So you're not going to hit me then?"
"Well, I've got no arms, so not really, no."
"And, you're not going to run away?"
"Well, I've got no legs, so that's out of the question as well..."
"And... well... you're really good in bed?"
"How d'you think I rang the doorbell?!"
(Thanks Stew)

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems with my hearing!"
Dr "What are the symptoms?"
Patient: "They're those yellow people on TV."

Q: What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underpants?
A: Your mother.
(Thanks Debs)

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
The funeral service is on Monday.
(Thanks Tony)

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"What's the matter darling?"
"Look love," she said, "I went along with the bl*w j*b, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
(Thanks Happy Gasgirl. You win this week's star prize, a book about George Melly, recently-deceased jazzer and rake. Mail us an address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. If you don't send us jokes we'll fill the spam with Leonard Cohen and Morrissey lyrics and people will open their spam mail expecting something funny and cheerful, and instead they'll be made all miserable and some of them will probably want to open their wrists. If you don't want to have the death of hundreds of people on your conscience, you'd better hit that REPLY button and send us something funny right now. The funniest of the funnies will win some stuff from the Venue office.

Weebsites, by George

Sign from a Chinese hospital
www.chinaexpat.com

Important news story (for those who missed it)
www.theregister.co.uk
(Thanks Jack)

Cat abuse
www.costumecats.com
(Thanks Ray)

Neat! How to navigate yourself by the stars.
www.quietbay.net

Frost on a blade of grass - amazing picture.
epod.usra.edu

Don't try this at home!
www.willitblend.com

The weirdest adverts in history
www.weirdomatic.com

It's all about squirrels
www.scarysquirrel.org

It's all in the headine:
www.cbc.ca

Aaargh! Getitoffme! Getitoffme! (Pic)
i5.tinypic.com

Lunchtime! (Pic)
farm2.static.flickr.com

And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to stop poking us with their compasses in double maths if you do.