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Who's there?
Why it's this week's particularly nosy Venue mag, helping you poke your enquiring little snouts into the city's most intriguing corners, including:
DOORS OPEN DAY - Bristol, Bath and the rest of the country's off-limit buildings, churches, caves and sheds fling their doors open for the nation's busy-bodies to have a snoop around. We hunt down some highlights and help you with some route-planning.
MANGA - Meet the rising stars of the ultra-popular Japanese cartoon art form, currently displaying their latest work at Bath's Museum of East Asian Art.
KITE FEST - There's loads of flying stuff and lots of inflatable things. Like a pub. And a church. See you up there.
PLUS - Julie Delpy ... The Flies ... Bristol Poetry festival ... Organic Food Festival ... Win lots of High Definition DVDs! ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone your bedroom is the midnight stop-off on the Doors Open Day pub crawl route.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
And can we just say here how lovely it is to be back again after all these weeks. The Spam Department is fit and tanned and RARIN' TO GO after a delightful four weeks working in a South East Asian sweatshop. Such a relaxing break from Venue, you know.
Jokes
Okay, we're going to have to cram this one with asterisks just so's your home or company spam filters won't think this mail is actual, like spam ... Apparently police in Australia have been unable to recommend a prosecution for this scam:
A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported DVDs featuring seriously hard core pronographia. Would-be customers place their orders and pay by cheque.
Some weeks later, the company writes back to explain that under new obscenity laws, they are unable to supply the movies in question. Since they don't want to be prosecuted they return the customers' money in the form of company cheques.
But there aren't many customers who'd want to go to their banks and present a cheque written out by: "The A**l S** & F*tish P***ersion Corporation."
(Thanks Del)
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY É I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
(Thanks Pam)
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
(Thanks Nick, (who actually sent this in April but we lost it ...))
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic aftershave. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... Just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
(Thanks Susan)
The inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?" Arthur said, "yeah, that's me."
God commented, "well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed but finally spoke, "excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "ah, yes."
"Well", said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!"
"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there", replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
(Thanks Jacqui)
The other day I saw a man playing Dancing Queen on the Didgeridoo.
I thought, that's Aboriginal.
(Thanks Jean)
Can you believe that the Council tax re-evaluators want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
We have a huge council house in our street.
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't registered or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers.
They are out of control.
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?
(Thanks Peter; you win this week's star prize, a copy of Suzi Quatro's autobiography, 'Unzipped'; even if you don't want it, you may have male friends/relatives of a certain age who do. Mail us an address if you want it.)
Please send us jokes. The best one each week wins a wonderful prize, or possibly a rubbish prize. OR you can send in a joke on behalf of your company, club or campaign to have wasps made illegal and (if we run it) we'll tell everyone your website address. Viral marketing, or what? So don't delay; hit that REPLY button now and poutingly reveal your eager joke to our trembling inbox.
Links!
Wikipedia demonstrates what's wrong with the world
www.somethingawful.com
How rock and roll are you, exactly?
www.emicatalogue.com
Intelligence test
risingstarkaraoke.com
What the country looked like in the 1940s
www.npemap.org.uk
Luvverley time-lapse footage of the Clifton Suspension Bridge
www.youtube.com
Propose a plaque
www.english-heritage.org.uk
'How much of your favorite energy drink or soda would it take to kill you?'
www.energyfiend.com
The strangest sites on Google Earth
www.pcworld.com
Now this they should show in cinemas
youtube.com
Real-life sea-monsters
www.who-sucks.com
Excellent car advert.
www.icomment.org
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised not to make us go to any Spice Girls reunion concerts if you do.
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