Ah summer! Time to get your raincoat and wellies and sit in the garden of some quaint country pub reading this week's Venue magazine with:

DRINKING OUT WEST 2007 - Explore the west's finest town and country pubs, bars, beer gardens and, er, pub smoking shelters with our free guide.

MUST DIE HARDER - Older, balder, and not much wiser, Bruce Willis returns with another 'Die Hard' after a 12-year break. We have the interview.

GLASTONBURY 2007 - We sang along with Shirley Bassey while we were waist-deep in mud. Even though we were watching it at home on telly. But we also had a crack team there who've come back to review the music and the finest and funniest moments.

PLUS - Easton and St Werburghs' art trails ... Meat Loaf comes to town ... A day out at Longleat ... Summer salads ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll show everyone the video of your Shirley Bassey impersonation.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4. 99 a month!

Jokes ...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
(Thanks Toni)

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault."
(Thanks Michael)

Men are like - Floor Tiles. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

Men are like - Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like - Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like - Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like - Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up
all night long.

Men are like - Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like - Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like - High Heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of
it.

Men are like - Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like - Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like - Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like - Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while

Men are like - Snow Storms. You never know when they are coming, how many inches you'll get or how long they will stay.

Men are like - Used Cars. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.

Men are like - ATM's. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like - Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like - Newborn Babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

Men are like - Crystal. Some look really good, but you can still see right through them.

Men are like - Dry Cleaners. Most work fast and leave no ring.

Men are like - Laxatives. They irritate the sh*t out of you.
(Thanks Donna)

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A Carrot.
(Thanks Lewis JS)

A theatrical agent was trying to sell a new strip act to a night-club manager and was raving about the girl's unbelievable 72-26-40 figure.
"What kind of a dance does she do?" the manager asked, duly impressed by the woman's dimensions.
"Well, she doesn't actually dance at all," the agent replied. "She just crawls out onto the stage and tries to stand up!"
(Thanks Mel)

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?" he asks.
"Oh, it's my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."
(Thanks Jack)

A little girl gets lost in Tesco and starts to cry.
A security guard finds her, takes her hand and asks, "What's your mum like?"
The child replies, "Big c*cks and vodka, mister."
(Thanks PolZ, you win this week's star prize, last week's unclaimed Julio Iglesias CD and a book about Russell Brand. Mail us a postal address if you wants them.)

Please send jokes. Best one each week wins some stuff which may or may not be worth winning. Or send us a joke on behalf of your business or Enrique Iglesias fan club and we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address if we run it. Don't delay; hit that REPLY button now and gently but firmly massage your jokes into our laughing glands with your expert and loving fingers.

Websites

One for the chaps. Not worksafe!!
mirrored.flabber.nl
(Thanks David)

More badger fun
www.weebls-stuff.com

Something to do with farts
www.tgisfw.com

Very slick bit of miming. I expect they're a dotcom firm.
www.vimeo.com

Amazing photos of Iceland
www.wild-landscape.com

Real superheroes.
www.worldsuperheroregistry.com

Scary story.
www.flickr.com

Top 20 magic tricks revealed!
magicuproar.blogspot.com

Grossly, monstrously, unbelievably offensive.
www.sickipedia.org

I don't want to know what the hell is going on here. Not necessarily worksafe.
flickr.com

And don't forget to buy Venue. If it makes enough money this week, the management have said they'll allow us to clear the waist-deep mud from the office.