|
|
Mellow, satisfying, full-strength Venue ... Park on the double yellow lines and dash into the newsagents for this week's Venue. Untipped Venue full-strength is a mellow and satisfying read (and you can smoke it afterwards if you like) with:
SMOKEFREE BRISTOL - How the ban coming into force on July 1 will affect your local pubs, cafes, bars and restaurants, what landlords are doing about it, and what all those patio heaters will do to our carbon footprint. ROBERT PLANT - We talk to the golden-haired rock god and former Led Zep frontman ahead of his sold-out warm-up gig at Fiddlers. THE GREEN HOUSE - CREATE Centre's Ecohome turns 10 this month. To celebrate, we pick 10 people and organisations making your house a more planet-friendly place to live. LUS - Shrek the Third ... Ziggy Marley comes to town ... Sir Peter Hall interviewed ... 1977 Punk exhibition ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide. Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone they're allowed to come to your house to smoke.*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4. 99 a month!
Jokes
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread... " (Thanks Sara)
On my way to work this morning I saw a dog humping a cabbage. The dog thought it was a collie! (Thanks Teresa)
A thief, in Paris, planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (Thanks Pam)
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it. "This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'? The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have a rubber?"(Thanks Jack)
The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. You're on!" Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks. "I'll bet you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the solicitor. "This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it!"
(Thanks Michael; you win this week's star prize. Mail us back to let us know which you'd prefer arriving through your letterbox; a) a Julio Iglesias CD or, b) nothing.)
Please send us jokes. Sending us a joke is like giving money to charity, only with no money involved. Or charity. You get all the virtuous feeling, with none of the actual, like, virtue. Best joke each week wins some stuff from the Venue office. So don't delay - hit that Reply button now and use the tongue of your humour to probe playfully into the petal-like folds of our inbox.
Websites.
Are you a paranoid parent? Read this!
It's a plug for a book, but very clever noonebelongsheremorethanyou.com (Thanks Pam)
Why shouldn't you eat hair? This surgeon has the pictures to show you why.
Amazing pics of people kissing themselves
Insult in Shakespeare-ese (Thanks Jake)
Man likes taking pictures of his phone next to his dinner of Italian junk food.
Inner-lip tattoos.
Man makes necklace of toenails. Classy.
Why you shouldn't lose weight too quickly:
"The 10 most bizarre people on earth"
Amazing pencil carvings.
And don't forget to buy Venue. The management have promised to stop using us duckboards at their VIP tent-mansion at Glastonbury if you do.
|
Nobody knows Round These Parts as well
as Venue does. Click below for definitive guides to ...
Get Venue Magazine delivered to your doorstep every week for only £4.99 per month! Click here to subscribe |
Copyright © Venue Publishing Ltd. All Rights Reserved
Privacy Policy | Site
Problems | Contact
| Home
