This week's Venue is best consumed outdoors with a green salad and a chilled Blue Nun (the wine, that is, not a laid-back rude clergywoman. And when we say consumed, we mean read, not eaten.)It's got:

AL FRESCO EATS - From dainty cream teas to four-course blow-outs, Venue's got the guide to the best places to eat outdoors. Plus local chefs give their top tips for perfect picnics.

GRAND DESIGNS - It's Architecture Week, designed to get us all talking and thinking about the buildings around us. We have the highlights, and look at Bristol's best - and worst - buildings.

TAKING LIBERTIES - Meet Chris Atkins, whose entertaining documentary film looks at the erosion of our basic freedoms, and who's lost count of the number of times he's been detained by police or prevented from filming. PLUS ... Mark Stewart of The Pop Group interviewed ... The great Speed Cameras War ... Bristol Vegan Fayre ... Win Apocalypto on DVD ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide. Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who nominated his house for demolition in Architecture Week.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4. 99 a month!

Jokes ...

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school. In one of the classes they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy." "No," said Blair, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!" (Thanks Robin)

MY DAY AT THE OFFICE

1. "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"

2. "You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"

3. "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

4. "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"

5. "Well, aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"

6. "Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."

7. "Do I look like a fucking people person!"

8. "This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"

9. "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

10. "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

11. "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

12. "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

13. "I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"

14. "Don't worry. I forgot your name too."

15. "I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

16. "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

17. "Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"

18. "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

19. "You look like shit. Is that the style now?"

20. "A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."

21. "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

(Thanks Jack)

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex ? "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here", she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

(Thanks NKML)

Three rats are sitting in a bar. They are the local hardcases and after a few beers they start a competition to see who is the craziest. The first rat says, "I'm so crazy that I eat rat poison for breakfast." The second rat says "I'm so crazy when I want food I grab the metal bar on a mouse trap, take off the cheese, benchpress the bar 20 times, then reset the trap." The third rat picks up his pint, downs it, then starts to walk out the bar. The other two yell, "where are you going you wimp?" The third rat turns to reply "I'm fed up with you two girls, I'm going home to shag the cat"

(Thanks other Jack)

Two Australian sheep-drovers were in the pub, arguing about which one of them had the best dog. So they decided to put their dogs to the test. The first drover whistled up his dog and told him to dash to the sale yards, select the oldest ram, bring him back into town and load it into the truck which was parked outside the pub. The dog ran off and ten minutes later reappeared chivvying a large ram down the street. He then jumped into the truck, dropped the tailgate and pushed the ram in. "Well that's not bad," conceded the second drover. "But watch this. Rover, get me some tucker, will ya?" In a cloud of dust Rover streaked off to a farm five miles out of town, raced into the hen-house, nudged a hen off the nest and gently picked up an egg. The dog then sped back to town and placed the egg at his master's feet. He then ran off, collected some sticks and lit a fire, grabbed a billy-can in his teeth, filled it from the creek, set the billy on the fire and dropped the egg into the simmering water. After exactly three minutes, Rover laid the boiled egg at his master's feet and stood on his head. "Well, that beats all," conceded the first drover, "but why is he standing on his head?" "Well he knows I haven't got an egg cup," said the proud owner.

(Thanks Melonee, you win this week's star prize, a copy of 'Breaks Near the Motorways: attractive Alternatives to Service Stations. Give us an address if you want it.)

Please send jokes, because jokes are what distinguish us from the animals, the insects, the stinging-nettles and the Treens of Zebulon Five. The best joke each week wins something from the piles of something in the Venue office. Or you can send a joke on behalf of your company, club or campaign to free Paris Hilton and we'll tell everyone your web address. So don't delay. Hit the Reply button now and say something funny. Go on. Go on then. Something funny.

Surfytime!

Cakes cupcakestakethecake.

Wacky Races cockroachraces.com.au

Toilet advert with cocaine in www.youtube.com

"The premier mailing list for gay and bi Space 1999 fans" www.space1999.net

Tasteful art. Not worksafe!! tinyurl.com

Cats looking at cats looking at cats looking at ... www.infinitecat.com

"The perfect gift for yourself or a loved one for bringing closure after a divorce." www.weddingringcoffin.com

World map tracking the upload of Flickr pics. Mesmerising. Probably. flickrvision.com

This is quite interesting if you can ignore all the spam and pop-ups www.moviemistakes.com

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