Why park the caravan in a traffic jam or sit in a tent praying the rain won't get in when you can buy Venue instead? We'll help you plan the Best Bank Holiday Ever in BristolandBath:

FESTIVAL FUN - Bristol's Venn Festival returns with a wonderful left-field music line-up, while Bath Fringe has a feast of oddball entertainment.

PARTY ON - Get clubbed to death with our massive Bank Holiday nightlife special.

JOE STRUMMER - Local film-maker Julien Temple talks about his new documentary on the life of the former Clash frontman and Somerset resident.

PLUS - More Bank Holiday ideas, from the Bath & West Show to 'Pirates of the Caribbean 3' and family outings ... Local food market guide ... Bristol Old Vic latest ... Ladyboys of Bangkok ... Win Jools Holland tickets . . . and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

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Jokes

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".
The waiter brings the meal in a pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Whaaattt! Did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He reaches for it and again, the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
He calls the waiter over and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "What did you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise. "
"Ah. . . so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you the Peeking Duck. "
(Thanks Elfine)

Jock McTavish developed a new style of nail and found a niche for them in Ireland. He wanted them advertised on T. V. there so he contacted Murphys advertising agency. They said "We're the cheapest because we don't bother with doing any presentations or spending hours in conferences talking to you about what you want. We just make the ad, and it goes straight to TV a few days later."
"Okay," said Jock. "ItÕs Easter next week and people will be wanting to do a bit of DIY, so put out the ad during the holidays, mainly on Easter Sunday."
The following weekend, Jock was watching TV, looking out for his advert ... It started with a dark stormy cloud scene, the occasional flash of lightning, strong beams of sunlight trying to get through breaks in the clouds, the camera panned down bringing into view a piece of wood. Further down a cross beam could be seen then a circle of thorns on top of a head. Eventually the camera stopped and moved back revealing Jesus Christ on the cross. A flash of lightning, roar of thunder and then a caption showed beneath the cross followed by the voice over for it:
"If you want a job done right this Easter, then use Jocks nails" followed by a caption saying Jock's Nails were on 99p a box special offer this Easter.
Jock was appalled at this bad taste. He rang the ad agency and asked what the hell they were up to; if they didn't sort this ad out he would move his account elsewhere.
"We're very sorry Mr Jock" came the reply, "trust us, we shall have a better advert tomorrow. "
On Easter Sunday evening, the ads rolled and Jock watched with interest. Then he sat forward, mouth wide open, his eyes almost popping out of his head, the same advert was being shown as before. Again the camera panned down from the stormy sky, the top of the cross appeared followed by the cross beam until the camera stopped and pulled back. On the screen was a similar scene except piled up in a heap at the bottom of the cross was Jesus Christ. After the flash of lightning and roar of thunder the caption showed followed by the voice over:
"They should have used Jocks nails - still only 99p a pack until Tuesday."
(Thanks M.)

Three male Labrador Retrievers, one chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the chocolate lab and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a piddler. I piddle on everything . . . The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I peed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off", came the reply from the chocolate lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down. "
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a humper", the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".
The yellow and chocolate labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
(Thanks Donna)

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her solicitor she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Tesco.
"Tesco?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Tesco?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week," she replied.

Q. What is yellow and white, and throws itself off the edge of the dining table?
A. A lemming meringue.
(These two jokes are sponsored by www.BristolStudentProperty.co.uk)

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old. We drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and then she asked if I'd ever had a portsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she takes me back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
(Thanks Jack, you win this week's star prize, a book about how to do crosswords. Mail us an address if you want it.)

Please send jokes. The best one each week wins some stuff from the Venue office which might be a brilliant prize or an ironic one. You can also send gags on behalf of your business, club or campaign to free Paris Hilton and if we run them we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. So delay no longer; hit that Reply button now and take our funny gland in the tight grip of your jokeyness.

There will be no Spam next week as the Spam Dept has to leave the country all because of a silly misunderstanding involving a box of matches and a boring old sailing ship parked in London. We'll be back the week after, though.

Surfytime!

Where the stars shop for their dogs
www.puppiesforsalebynet.com

Stylish AND relaxing
www.fromkeetra.com

Dalek cakes again
www.flickr.com

"Suicide food"
suicidefood.blogspot.com

Apparently this is from Glastonbury circa 1971. Hang in there for the footage of the heads freaking out, and see if you can spot your parents...
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Robin)

Strange comic
www.scottmccloud.com

Weird stuff from the animal world
zooillogix.blogspot.com
(Thanks James)

Astonishing little fable
www.youtube.com

Quite good Bath news blog thingy
www.bathradar.co.uk

Those 2006 Darwin Awards in full
darwinawards.com

And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to let us look at their new cars if you do.