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Time to get out the charcoal and the garden furniture for this week's edition of Venue (in the shops Wednesday), a veritable kebab-skewer of tasty treats:
FLAME ACADEMY - Top tips and recipes for making your own barbecue one that people will talk about afterwards (in a good way). And if you don't fancy risking pink chicken and third-degree burns, we know the best pub and restaurant barbecues, too.
COMIC BELIEF - As one of the UK's top comic events comes to Bristol, meet some of the industry's west country-based rising stars.
ROBERT CARLYLE - The undead are on the rampage again in the sequel to '28 Days Later'; its star tells us why watching it even makes him feel queasy.
PLUS - Steve Winwood ... Southbank Art Trail ... Bath Festival ... Win tickets to see the Ladyboys of Bangkok! ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll show everyone the photos of you and your friends posing as the WomanBlokes of Bishopsworth.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes, then ...
A veterinary surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an ederly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "It stopped me!"
(Thanks Jack)
A beautiful, well-endowed, young lady goes to her local pet shop in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only £20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)."
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packs up the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them carefully. She does exactly what is
specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you. Allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop."
So, the lady phones the pet shop. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
(Thanks Nick)
It is little known that crooner Tony Bennett is an accomplished portrait painter and in his early days captured the likeness of many of his contemporaries including members of the Rat Pack with whom he formed a close relationship.
Meeting up with them one day Frank and Dean suggested that Tony should hold an exhibition of his work but there was a problem about where it could be held.
Sammy Davis came to the rescue and said that a friend of his owned an exclusive disco club. The large foyer would be a splendid venue for the exhibition of Tony1s paintings. It was duly arranged and on the day of the exhibition all of Tony1s canvases hung on the walls of the disco foyer.
When the exhibition was over Tony, Frank, Dean and Sammy went off to celebrate promising to come back the following morning to pick up the paintings. But there was a calamity - overnight a fire destroyed everything in the club including all of Tony1s portraits. He was absolutely devastated and affected so badly that ever since he keeps singing about it in that flippin' song
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"I Left My Art In Sam's Friend's Disco".
(This sponsored joke from Al comes to you courtesy of http://www.thegranaryclub.co.uk - a site for Granary fans and those wanting to check out all the fab goings on back in 1968 to 1988. P.S. look out for the GRANAREUNITED event coming up May 27th!!)
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building.
One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave her, her very own hard hat and gloves.
At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
"You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said...
"I think so. Provided those b***ards at Jewson deliver the f***ing bricks."
(Thanks Donna)
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven?"
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Cornwall!"
(Thanks Anthony. You win this week's star prize. Last week, we promised the Wurzels and Tony Blackburn singing 'I am A Cider Drinker' but now we're actually able to offer the entire album of The Wurzels Greatest Hits. Mail us an address if you want it.)
Please send us jokes. The best each week wins some stuff that isn't necessarily worth winning, but which will give you the warm glow of winning anyway. You can also send a gag on behalf of your firm, club or traffic jam and we'll tell everyone your web address. So just hit that REPLY button and drive us wild by appearing before us in your lacy underthings of humour now.
Surftyime!
How are Maltesers made?
www.guardian.co.uk
(Thanks Jerry)
The archive of mis-heard lyrics
www.kissthisguy.com
(Thanks Jon)
How not to buy a used car
www.edmunds.com
Device that will destroy capitalism. Made in Bath!
reprap.org
Hamster-powered shredder
www.tomballhatchet.com
Funny aeroplanes
www.baraskit.se
Fifteen years in stir for being inventive and enterprising ...
www.usdoj.gov
This is fun
www.youtube.com
Quaint!
dirtymicrobe.com
Bald Hall of fame
www.baldhalloffame.com
Make breakfast with an iron
www.thomasscott.net
Japanese silliness
www.1-click.jp
And please remember to buy Venue. The management have promised to let us go to the toilet if you do
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