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Time to get the rainbow wellies, the cool box, the tent and score yourself some powerful skunk (NB: not the drug. That's illegal.) and get this week's Venue for:
FESTIVAL GUIDE - Venue's free 72-page guide to all the summer's festivals, from the noisy and hairy ones to the sensible family ones. We can't promise a summer of love, but a summer of grudging affection at the very least ...
SNEAKERHEADS - That's the word for people who'll pay £1,000 for a pair of trainers. Meet some west folk who make Imelda Marcos look like an amateur.
FAST FOOD NATION - Meet the man who earned the unending hatred of corporate America with his shocking expose of the junk food industry.
PLUS ... Bristol Festival of Ideas ... Steve Bell ... Health & hygiene in local eateries uncovered ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local what's on guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who painted the stick-men orgy on the side of his house and signed it 'Banksy'.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
JOKES
This little chap lived on a farm, one day he said to his dad that he had seen the bull f*****g the cow. The father was shocked at his 7 year old's language and went on to explain that the correct and nicer way of putting his statement was to say that the bull was 'surprising' the cow.
A few days later the boy came into the house and said "Dad, dad the bull is surprising the cows!"
The Dad replied "No son the bull doesn't surprise the cows it's THE COW"
The boy said "Yes Dad but the cows were surprised. Because the bull was f****ng the horse!"
(Thanks Tish)
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
(Thanks Jack)
Q. Where do actors record ownership of uncultivated land?
A. In the Heath Ledger.
A bloke walked past me the other day, carrying a large stick. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
To which he replied: "No, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
(Thanks to Chris for those.)
A bloke starts his new job at Bristol Zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the Zoo and it wanders up to the other lions and says, "What's the food like here?"
Wait for it ...
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The other lions say, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees!"
(Thanks Tony. We've had this before, but it's possibly our all-time favourite joke, so ...)
It's the 1970s and the East German woman Olympic swimmer complains to her team-mates that she's worried because she's starting to grow hair in scary places.
"Where?" they ask.
"Oh," she says, "mostly on my nuts".
(Thanks MicroBilly)
Mulligan is suffering from terrible toothache, but he's terrified of dentists.
Finally, though, the pain is so bad he goes to the surgery.
Just as he's about to get into the chair, he loses his nerve again.
The dentist says it's nothing to worry about and, just to help him out, gives him a big shot from a bottle of whiskey he keeps for just such occasions.
"So," asks the dentist. "Have you got your courage back yet?"
"No!" says Mulligan.
The dentist pours him a second glass. And then a third.
"Now have you got your courage?" asks the dentist.
"You're damn right!" yells Mulligan, squaring his shoulders. "I'd like to see the bastard who'd dare touch me teeth now!"
(Thanks Maura. After careful deliberation, and because you have an Irish name, the (Irish) Spam department's Equalities Committee has ruled that you may win this week's star prize, a CD of the Wurzels and Tony Blackburn singing I Am A Cider Drinker. Mail us an address if you wants it.)
Please send us jokes. It may be spring out there, but it's still the bleak depths of winter in our hearts if you don't make us laugh. Best joke each week wins something. Next week's prize is a book called 'Secrets of the Setters - How to Solve the Guardian Crossword', which might appeal to some of you. Don't waste another moment; just hit the REPLY button and lubricate our humour glands with your silky-smooth, glistening joke-juices.
Linkytime!
Really small house
sfgate.com
Mario Frustration. Very funny. (NB: very sweary!)
video.google.com
(Thanks Damian)
Funny graff
img.photobucket.com
Serious research paper
www.foodfight.org.uk
Amazing cakes
englishrussia.com
Do you love Fido enough to buy him one of these?
tinyurl.com
Or one of these?
www.petpeek.info
YouTube for American God-bothering wingnuts
www.godtube.com
Scientology, eh?
www.cs.cmu.edu
Let's go treasure-hunting with Bill!
www.billwymandetector.com
Meat. Meet cake. Meat cake.
meatcake.ytmnd.com
Beats rolling them into rivers anyday ...
www.robertwechsler.com
And don't forget to buy Venue. The management have promised to stop leaving kippers in the air conditioning if the profits are big enough.
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