Wednesday. Time to get to the newsagents, put on your bib and take your place at the best table for the feast that is this week's Venue mag:

EATING OUT WEST - Our biggest-ever annual guide to the best restaurants, cafes and other eateries round these parts comes free with this week's Venue.

BLOCKBUSTERS - Take your jumbo bucket o'popcorn and join us for a preview of the summer's big movies. Potter's back, Bruce Willis dies hard (again) and Jack Sparrow sails east for one final battle.

LOCAL ELECTIONS - A third of Bristol is up for grabs, as is the whole of Bath & North East Somerset. No, look, it'll be really interesting. Well, that's what our election pundits claim anyway.

PLUS - Former Suede frontman Brett Anderson interviewed ... Win Marti Pellow tickets ... Concerts for children ... Cheltenham Jazz Fest ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll forward everyone those emails you sent to the Queen applying for the position of Prince William's new girlfriend.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Gary to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Gary loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in it he ravages me for hours. He can't get enough!"
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume , dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband.
He walked in and saw her lying provocatively.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
(Thanks Jake)

A man goes into a card shop and asks the assistant where he can find a birthday/anniversary card.
The assistant says, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"
The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers *both* events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."
(Thanks JenB)

Bob and Steve are in the pub, discussing their daughters, who are both at university.
"My girl is now so clever," enthuses Bob, "that every time we get an email from her we have to go to the dictionary."
"That's nothing," says Steve. "Every time my daughter emails us we have to go to the bank."
(Thanks Will)

Tom spent every evening at the pub and never came home before closing time. He often had trouble getting the key into the front door lock when he got home and his wife Mary usually had to get out of bed, come downstairs and let him in.
No matter how much she complained at his selfish, irresponsible behaviour, it made no difference.
One day, she was complaining about her husband's behaviour to a friend who suggested: "Why not treat him differently the next time? Welcome him with a kiss and some affectionate words. That might make him change his ways."
Mary thought about it, and reckoned it was worth a try since nothing else had worked.
That night, Tom arrived home in his usual condition. Mary heard him at the door, rushed down to open it and let him in. She took him by the arm, led him to the sofa in the living room, took his shoes off and started to massage his neck and shoulders.
"It's getting late," she whispered huskily in his ear. "Shall we go to bed now?"
"Might as well," slurred Tom. "I'm going to get a bollocking when I get home anyway."
(Thanks Andi)

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife he was keying in:
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
(Thanks Tony)

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide. The old guy says to the young, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
"The young guy says, "That's OK. It's coincidence. I'm looking for my wife as well. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big breasts and she is wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter! Let's look for yours!"
(Thanks Nick)

Nadine: I hear your friend Vicki the doctor, is getting married.
Jill: Yes. They're absolutely perfect for each other!
Nadine: Oh yeah? Nice bloke, is he?
Jill: No. But she's a proctologist and he's an arsehole.
(Thanks Lucy)

An antique dealer is walking through town when he notices a skanky-looking cat lapping milk from a saucer at the doorway of a newsagent's shop. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the shop and offers to buy the cat for £2.
"Sorry," says the newsagent. "But the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you £20 for it."
"OK, sold," says the shopkeeper. "Take the cat on your way out."
The collector continues, "Um, while we're about it, I was wondering if you'd throw in that old saucer as well. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to buy it a dish for its milk.
"Sorry mate," says the newsagent, "but that's my lucky saucer. So far this year I've sold 62 cats."
(Thanks Marie. You win this week's star prize, a copy of a funny book about great British bus journeys. Give us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send jokes. Send them on your own and you could win a prize (we've got the CD of the Wurzels and Tony Blackburn singing I Am A Cider Drinker for next week). Send a gag on behalf of your club, company or lunatic fringe party standing in the local elections and we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. There's no time Toulouse; hit the REPLY button and thrust your engorged humour into our trembling inbox right now.

Don't go yet. Have some links.

Gross!
blog.wfmu.org

Clever-ish
www.youtube.com

Pictures of people blowing
www.blowersworld.com

When can we download this as an actual font?
www.robertbolesta.com

Where company names come from
en.wikipedia.org

Can I get one of these at Peacock's? (Mildly un-worksafe.)
themightysven.carbonmade.com

Yeah, but give us the Goddam recipe!!
tinyurl.com

Astonishing cloud pics
thrillingwonder.blogspot.com
(Thanks Onslow)

LOTR doll's house
community.livejournal.com

Transformers! Men who should get out more!
www.youtube.com

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