The Easter decorations have all come down, you've put on half a stone from all that Easter pudding, and you've got a massive credit card bill for all the Easter Presents. So cheer yourself up with this week's Venue:

COURTING DISASTER - Help us save Ashton Court Festival. Where else in the country do you get such a range of local and international talent, anything from performance poetry to Portishead in a single afternoon?

GREEN CUISINE - Suddenly there are restaurants claiming to be organic, free-range, locally-sourced and oh-so-eco-friendly all over the place. But who's really putting their money where their mouth is?

WAR ON YOBS - Watershed unveils a £6m deal to transform Bristol's harbourside and promote the city's creative industries at the same time. Exclusive report.

PLUS ... When burlesque goes bad ... Babyhead interview ... James Taylor for Bristol ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss about your attempt to sell the story of your 15 days captivity in the accounts department to the tabloids.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokeytime

Some clever anagrams ...

Dormitory: dirty room

Presbyterian: best in prayer

Atronomer: moon starer

Desperation: a rope ends it

The eyes: they see

George Bush: he bugs gore

The Morse Code: here come dots

Slot machines: cash lost in me

Animosity: is no amity

Election results: lies - let's recount

Snooze alarms: alas! No more z 's

A decimal point: I'm a dot in place

The earthquakes: that queer shake

Eleven plus two: twelve plus one

And for the grand finale ...

Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
(Thanks Donna)

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank!
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."
Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman!"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
(Thanks Jack)

Fifteen British sailors have been taken prisoner for straying into Iranian waters. Fourteen men and a woman.
No surprise who was reading the map, then!!
(Thanks Mike)

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
(Thanks Rob)

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Millie," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Millie replied, "My dad is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Millie! Who wants to go next?"
Toby stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a fresh bread roll."
"Very good," the teacher told Toby.
Alex was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant ... A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement, and the teacher called him to go next.
Johnny said, "My dad is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Alex will never be able to spell "accountant."
(Thanks Will)

Mary and Bill were having dinner when Mary said, "You know Bill, when we were first married you used to take the smaller piece of steak and give me the bigger one. Now you take the bigger one and leave me the smaller. I think you don't love me anymore."
"Nonsense!" replied Bill. "It's just that you're a better cook nowadays!"
(Thanks Al, you win this week's star prize, a copy of a book about Bristol architecture. Mail us a postal address if you want it.)

Please send us jokes. Preferably jokes that are organic, free-range, sustainable and fair-traded because everyone's into that stuff these days. Best joke each week wins a prize, or you can send us a sponsored joke on behalf of your club, company or uranium enrichment programme and (if we run it) we'll give you the priceless publicity of telling everyone your web address.

So don't delay. Hit the reply button now and drive us into a frenzy by provocatively pulling aside the lacy coverings over your jokes.

Surf!

When animals attack
www.10zenmonkeys.com

For a rather particular fetish. NOT WORKSAFE!
www.veinywoman.com

Funny faces
www.mono-1.com

How to make a rather rubbish-looking Dalek cake
www.chocablog.com

Puerile
www.addictinggames.com

Cutest thing you'll see this week/month/year ...
www.youtube.com

30 tricks of the trade. Interesting!
www.themorningnews.org

Every bloke's favourite Harry Enfield sketch
www.youtube.com

Japanese milk advert which will be hilarious to the dirty-minded.
tinyurl.com

Urban green fanatic
noimpactman.typepad.com

And please remember to buy Venue. That way you help our management maintain the illusion that they know what they're doing. Look on it as care in the community.