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DAYS OUT 2007 - Our annual guide to where to find the best fresh air, countryside, houses and gardens and loads of wonderful weekend outings in the west of England.

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EGGCELLENT EASTERS - See our Family pages and other what's on sections for lots of ideas for a very chocolatey Bank Holiday weekend, whatever your age and tastes.

PLUS - West's award-winning food businesses ... Danny Boyle on his new sci-fi epic 'Sunshine' ... Win a meal for four ... At-Bristol boss on IMAX, Wildwalk closure ... and loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

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Jokes

His & Her Diaries:

HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said "nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home, I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say "I love you too". When we got home, I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed so distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
Today England lost, but at least I got laid.
(Thanks Nick)

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress. Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, good people, is a poker player.
(Thanks Julian)

A useless message in my in-box trumpeted, "Satisfy the girls with a bigger dick!"
Hey, I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick, especially if it's bigger than mine.

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
(Thanks Jack)

Two chimpanezees in the bath:
"Ooh, ooh, aahh, aahh, oooh, oooh" says the first one
"Well put some cold water in then" says the other .
(Thanks Khalid)

Twelve of the finest double-entendres from TV & Radio.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them."

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after getting a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
(Thanks Happy Gasgirl. You win this week's star prize, a copy of 'Great British Bus Journeys' by David McKie and a CD of what looks like widdly new age music by some Danish bloke. Send us a postal address to claim your goodies.)

Please send jokes. Easter will be ruined if you don't. Send us a joke in your personal capacity and you could win a prize of something lying around the Venue office. Send it on behalf of your club, company or local sporting team which was recently defeated at sport by another local sporting team from a place most of us couldn't point to on a map and we'll tell everyone your web address.

So don't delay. Think of a joke, or look for one (try the bottom drawer, or look behind the mantelpiece clock), hit the REPLY button and slather the lard of your whimsy over the hard, hairy buttocks of our inbox. Now.

Links

That video of the bloke skiing down the Tube escalator
www.youtube.com/

That's not drugs, it's just a really small pancake.
www.baraskit.se

Toilet training the Japanese way.
www.youtube.com

How to make a bunny lay Easter eggs. Very puerile.
www.killfrog.com

Car Thief Keith, courtesy of Avon & Somerset's finest
www.avonandsomerset.police.uk

So let me get this right ... Awful things happen to you, and you thank your God for it!?
www.thankgodi.com

Virtual Absinthe Museum
www.oxygenee.com

How to get rid of stuff
www.howtogetridofstuff.com

Achtung! NOT WORKSAFE!
www.jackinworld.com

And here be its feminine counterpart. Not worksafe either!
www.clitical.com

And don't forget to buy Venue. The management have said they will allow us to look at their Faberge Easter eggs if you do.