The evenings are getting longer and the weather is getting ever-so-slightly warmer! Was there ever a better time to stroll down to the newsagents for the latest Venue (in the shops Wednesday)? No, and that's because it has:

URBAN WALKS - Forget all that hairy-chested country hiking nonsense. There are sights to see, views to enjoy and history to investigate in the city as well. And pubs! Come join us as we go in search of sides of the city you've never seen before.

THE LIES HAVE IT - It being April Fool's Day, we look at some of the West's all-time greatest lies, fibs and hoaxes.

INSIDE OUT - Your free 76-page homes and gardens supplement.

PLUS ... Progpower - Bristol's world class heavy music fest ... Mr Bean's Holiday ... Easter gifts ... World's most cynical TV selections ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Airbus they can use your back garden to land the A380 in next time.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
(Thanks Toni)

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinkin drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the h£ll are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away!"
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting: "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shat the bed!!!"
(Thanks Rachel)

A little girl goes into a pet shop and says 'Excuthe me, do you ave any widdle wabbits?'
The owner's heart melts, he gets on his knees so he can talk on her level.
'Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft fluffy bwack wabbit, or a widdle bwown wabbit like the one over there?'
The little girl blushes, puts her hands on her knees, rocks on her heels, leans forward and whispers 'I weally dont fink my pet pyfon gives a f**k'.
(Thanks Sara)

Universal Truths from comedian Peter Kay
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
8) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
9) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
10) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
11) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
12) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
13) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
14) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
15) You never ever run out of salt.
16) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
17) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
18) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
19) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
20) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
21) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
22) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

A lorry driver was going over the Severn Bridge one windy day when he lost control of his rig, ploughed into a toll-booth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes; a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former toll-booth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to glue all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
(Thanks Jack - that's this week's winner. There's a spare copy of 'Performance' starring Mick Jagger left over from a Venue competition here. Mail us a postal address if you wants it.)

Please send us jokes. Just because there's more sunshine in the evenings is no reason to get all complacent and think that jokes will grow in the Venue garden all on their own. The best gag each week wins a small prize, or you can send in a joke on behalf of your club, company or struggling European aerospace conglomerate and if we spam it we'll tell all our spamvictims your web address. Don't delay - hit the REPLY button and moisten our trembling glands with your humour lubricant right now.

Linkytime ...

Famous balloon movies ...
www.cartoonbrew.com
(Thanks Julian)

Interesting News McStory
www.spiegel.de

Life-size whale
www.wdcs.co.uk
(Thanks Pam)

No, really ...
searchwithkevin.prodege.com

Save the bunny. Silly game.
www.10mg.nl
(Thanks Robin)

"I Miss Iraq. I Miss My Gun. I Miss My War." - interesting article
men.msn.com

Nostalgia! Buses and streets of Bristol filmed around 1980. Though with annoying copyright notice over it.
www.youtube.com

World's 10 greatest trees
www.neatorama.com

Amazing toilets from around the world. Local publicans and restaurateurs take note ...
www.secretsites.de

Don't look at this if your head is full of drugs
zoomquilt2.madmindworx.com
(Thanks Jake)

They spread happiness by putting wiggly eyes in public places.
www.teamwiggly.com