Everything has to be eco-friendly and green these days. Venue magazine is no exception, being handmade by a collective of North Bristol peasants and transported on ethical donkeys to the newsagents. This week's biodegradeable feast includes:

ECO LOVIN' - How green is YOUR love life? Come join us we take a sooo long and so very very hard organic look at the sticky choices the true environmentalist has to make in the bedroom. Or the field of organic hay.

GREEN CAPITAL - Bristol's ambitious bid to become the greenest city in the country.
(Yes, really!)

PROPERTY LADDER - How much would you pay for Pucklechurch prison? How much property does the government own round these parts? We find out, and track down the West's biggest developers and wealthiest landlords.

PLUS - Eat Static ... Bryan Ferry ... The West's best off-licences ... Mother's Day ... World's first bestiality romantic comedy ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell your boss it was you who used his company credit card to place that £15 billion order for 100 A380 Airbuses.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

JOKES!!

A cowboy walked into a drug store in Alberta ranching country and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying: "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister". When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck and $3,000 a month living expenses."
(Thanks Nick)

There was a young lady called Crystal,
Who could fart very loud like a pistol.
The folk in Kings Lynn
Were disturbed by the din,
Though she lived on the outskirts of Bristol!
(Thanks Jack)

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've also grown the neck and the giblets!!!
(Thanks Tony)

An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Strailya, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink twice with any of them. But fill up the glass, mate!"
(Thanks Pam)

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read .... "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly "I think the man would have said - "Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!"
(Thanks Jake)

Q. What do you call a homeless Mexican?
A. A person of no fixed adobe.

"... and finally tonight, we've just received a report that the last wildebeest in Africa was shot today.
"That is the end of the gnus. Now over to Helen Young for the weather forecast."
(Those come to you courtesy of http://www.johnrogers.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk)

Bert, aged 90, left the old people's home to spend the weekend in town. He visited his favourite pub and sat at the bar enjoying a pint. He noticed a foxy-looking 70-year-old woman sitting at the other end of the bar and told the landlord to give the lovely young lady whatever she was drinking ... As the evening progressed, Bert and the woman got on very well. He ended up spending the night at her house.
Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, so he called the home's resident doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
"Sure," Bert replied.
The doctor asked if could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
"Of course! I'm not that senile!" said Bert.
"Good. You'd better get over there now. You're about to come."
(Thanks Maura - you win this week's top prize - since we have here two unclaimed prizes - an Art Garfunkel CD and a self-help book about how to be happy, we hereby award you the rollover prize of both. If you figure out how one can possibly be happy *and * own an Art Garfunkel CD, let us know. Send us a postal address to claim your goodies!)

Please send jokes. Jokes are the fresh well-rotted manure that feed and nurture the Venue spam. If you don't send jokes, we'll have to spray chemicals on our computers instead. Best joke each week wins an item of interest from the Venue office. Or send us a gag on behalf of your firm, club or street-gang and we'll tell everyone your web address (if you want us to). Don't waste another minute; hit the REPLY button now and drive us to an abandoned and wanton frenzy of laughter with your big powerful humour. If all you can manage is a little limp whimsy, we'll fake it.

Surf!

It's a hobby, I suppose ...
www.craigslist.org
(Thanks Robin)

Webcam shows a Cheddar cheese maturing
www.cheddarvision.tv
(Thanks Pam)

Clever thing of Radiohead bloke being Photoshopped
www.geekarmy.com

This week's Christian wingnut
www.almohler.com

How would you look if you shaved it all off?
headshave.baldlygo.com

Tasteful
www.blingh2o.com

Someone being horrid to a celebrity ...
www.therealjodiemarsh.com

Hope one of these places opens in Bristol soon
www.weirdasianews.com

Which cheese are you?
www.astradyne.co.uk

Infantile graffiti
www.b3ta.com

And don't forget to buy Venue - the management have promised we can look out of the window for five minutes if you do.