The sun is out, the sap is rising and it'll soon be the time when a young (or old) man's (or woman's) mind quite naturally turns to thoughts of ... Going to the newsagents for this week's Venue. Which is in the shops Wednesday.

SPRING BREAKS GUIDE - 100 stunning short break suggestions, from Cornwall to Mid-Wales. Whether you fancy nursing a pint in an old smugglers' inn, getting active in an eco-friendly B&B or sitting pretty in a boutique Devon spa, we'll tell you where to go.

BRISTOL DRUGS PROJECT - Now marking its 21st birthday, the pioneering Bristol charity is a national leader in helping addicts kick the habit.

PLUS - Maverick filmmaker David Lynch interviewed ... Bristol education row ... LCD Soundsystem ... Peter Kruder ... Free Graduate Guide ... Sassy sportswear ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell all those Virgin Media victims you've got Sky and are happy to let complete strangers drop in to watch The Simpsons and Lost anytime they like.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

A couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have the car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, needed three stitches in his forehead !!!!!
(Thanks Tish)

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s**t now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
The moral of this story: Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bulls**t and brilliance only come with age and experience!
(Thanks Cliff)

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought it was nothing but a catastrophe.
(Thanks Jack)

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's.
He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.
The children began to say:
"Red É cherry,"
"Yellow É lemon,"
"Green É lime,"
"Orange É orange."
Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled "Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"
(This sponsored joke come to you from http://www.hitenter.co.uk)

John had hairtrigger trouble. He was unable to last very long in bed with his wife Mary before he came. Although she was very kind about it, he knew it was disappointing her so he went to see the doctor for some advice.
The Doc told him that he should try "taking himself in hand" about an hour or so before going to bed with Mary. That might well help him last longer.
John thought he'd give it a try. He spent the following day at work wondering where he could have a wank before going home. He couldn't do it in his office, couldn't do it in the toilets (too many people around) and certainly couldn't do it in his car.
Driving home, he tumbled to the solution. He pulled over into a lay-by, got out of the car and crawled underneath as though he was looking to fix some mechanical problem. Satisfied that he was now in a private place, he undid his trousers, thought of Mary and started to pleasure himself.
He was well into his stride when he felt someone tugging at his foot.
"This is the police. What's going on down there?"
"Er, I'm looking at the rear axle, I think there's something wrong with it," said John
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your car rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
(Thanks Chris. You win this week's star prize, a book about bus journeys. Mail us a postal address if you wants it.)

Please send us jokes. If we don't get enough jokes, we'll have to send out really miserable little short stories about death, misery, despair and working conditions at Venue instead. The best joke each week wins a prize which may or may not be worth having. You can also send a joke on behalf of your company, club, campaign or crime syndicate and we'll tell everyone your web address. By way of free publicity, you understand. Don't delay another minute! Hit the Reply button and moisten the trembling underwear model of spam with the silky lubricant of your humour now.

Links!

Are you a member yet? I am!
www.corduroyclub.com

For your listening pleasure
www.iiiiiiii.com

Ahh! The good old days! Not! (Serious history, this)
www.hiddenlives.org.uk

Voodoo love advice.
tinyurl.com

This is jolly clever
www.youtube.com

Worst. Commercial. Ever.
www.youtube.com

How to make steak. (Warning! Vegetarian propaganda! Not for the squeamish!)
www.attilahildmann.com

Film from the creators of South Park
video.google.com

British manufacturing industry, R.I.P.
static.iftk.com.br

Romantically involved with a family member? Then you need:
www.cousincouples.com

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