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Right, for ten points, what is the name of Bristol's favourite what's on magazine? Is it: a) Pig Breeders' Monthly, b) Venue or c) Model Railway World?
For the correct answer to this, and all sorts of other questions about what's on and where to go, turn to this week's edition of Venue:
IT'S YOUR ROUND - How many stomachs does a cow have? Who's won Wimbledon the most times? ... Come and meet the west's biggest quiz nuts, then try your skills against Venue's own pub quiz.
SALAAM SHALOM - A groundbreaking radio station that's produced by Muslims and Jews working together - from studios in Stapleton Road!
PLUS ... Vigilante movie from the makers of The Football Factory ... Sado-masochism shocker onstage in Bristol ... Glaswegian rockers The Earlies come to town ... Bath Literature Fest ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.
Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll come over and re-name your house Cabot Circus. Or maybe Billy Smart's Circus.
*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!
Jokes, by George
Q - How many A&R men does it take to change a light bulb?
A - At least 12. Ten to compete over when they first saw the bulb, one to spend twice as much as he needed to on changing the bulb, one to say that light bulbs as a genre are on the way out anyway.
Q - How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
A - 72. One to change it, the rest to share the experience maaaan!
Q - How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - 1. 1,2. 1. 1,2. 1,2.
Q - How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Two - one to change it and one to sing about how good the old one was.
Q - How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Two, one to change the light bulb and one to stand around looking ironic.
Q - How many boy-band members does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Five, one fat semi-talented one to change the light bulb and four gormless pretty boys to do some piss-poor break dancing in the background.
(Thanks Robin)
Somewhere in the Deep South, Farmer Joe is suing a trucking company for injuries he sustained in an accident. The company's lawyer, Mr. Green, questions Farmer Joe in court.
"Didn't you say, 'I'm fine' at the accident scene?" Mr. Green asks.
"I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessy," says Farmer Joe.
"I'm not asking for details," Mr. Green says. "Just answer the question."
"I am," Farmer Joe says. "I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessy into the trailer when..."
"Didn't you tell the state trooper that you were fine?" Mr. Green interrupts.
The judge stops Mr. Green's questioning and tells him to let Farmer Joe tell his story the way he wants to.
"So, anyway," says Farmer Joe. "I loaded Bessy in the trailer and started driving down the main road when a huge articulated truck ran a stop sign and smacked into the right side of my truck.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessy was tossed into another. I could hear her cries for help but I was too hurt to move," Farmer Joe says.
"Then a state trooper came by and I heard him talking about Bessy. He said she was a complete loss. Then I heard a gun go off and Bessy stopped moaning," Farmer Joe says.
"What does this story have to do with anything?" Mr. Green asks.
"The state trooper walked over to me and said, 'Your cow was in bad shape so I shot her between the eyes. How are you doing?'"
(Thanks Steve)
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"Blair's clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
(Thanks Lightbulb Consultancy)
Actual call centre conversations (allegedly) ...
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
(Thanks Jack)
A man met a beautiful young woman and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This as followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Gosport and I worked both sides of the harbour."
(Thanks Happy Gasgirl. You win a copy of 'Some Enchanted Evening', a CD of Art Garfunkel singing a bunch of cheesy old songs. Send us a postal address to claim your prize.)
Please send us jokes. Best joke each week wins some stuff, or you can send us a joke on behalf of your company, campaign or hospital and (provided it's funny and/or we've not seen it before) we'll tell all 4,000 of our spamvictims your web address. So don't delay; hit the REPLY button now and open your soft, wet, yielding jokes to our urgent embrace.
Surfytime!
Beating crime in the American south
www.eastpointpolice.org
(Thanks Jack)
Amazing bit of urban decay, US-style
www.28dayslater.co.uk
Long but utterly compelling monologue about alcoholism
www.youtube.com
Charming and actually kinda sexy ...
teabirds.blogspot.com
Weirdness
www.nfctd.com
Want one. Now!
www.treehugger.com
Americans are not stupid, nosireebob
www.youtube.com
The French Army in action
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Jake)
I'm Igor Stravinsky. Which one are you?
www.doppelgriff.com
(Thanks Theodor)
Calling the helpdesk
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Pam)
"North Korean blog." Yeah, right.
juchegirl.blogspot.com
And please remember to buy Venue. It makes our management feel as though they've got a clue if you do.
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