If magazines could be fair-traded, organic and free-range, then Venue, frankly would be none of the above. It's produced by vicious capitalists exploiting cheap labour and fed on highly toxic chemicals, but don't let that put you off. Get this week's Venue for:

SHOPPING WITH A CONSCIENCE - Your free 36-page local guide to buying fair-traded and ethical goods and services.
PARKING MAD - With Bristol and Bath gradually grinding to a halt, we look at the likely solutions and whether or not drivers will be charged for using local roads.

AT-CROSSROADS - Is there any chance to save Bristol's IMAX cinema and Wildwalk, and if not, what's going to happen to the building?

PLUS ... Bath Literature Festival ... Geoff 'Portishead' Barrow interview ... African superstar Femi Kuti interviewed ... Fairtrade Fortnight ... School for Scoundrels comes to local screens ... Asian comedy ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell everyone the IMAX cinema is being relocated to your house.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

The four most important things for a plumber to learn:

1. Hot on the left, cold on the right.
2. S**t flows downhill.
3. Payday is Friday.
4. Don't chew your fingernails.
(Thanks Jack)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy bars, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in hs arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and
says ...
...
...
...
...
...
... "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"
(Thanks Max)

The WW2 veteran pilot was invited into the school to tell the pupils about his heroic role in the Battle of Britain.
"In 1940, the situation was really bad," he said. "The German air force was very strong. I remember one day when I was flying my Spitfire, when suddenly out of the clouds these Fokkers appeared."
Several schoolchildren giggled.
He continued, "I looked up and one was right above me. I pulled up, aimed, and shot down that Fokker. Then they swarmed everywhere! Suddenly I realized that there was another Fokker behind me."
By now the students were laughing out loud. Their teacher interrupted. "I think I should explain that 'Fokker' was the name of a make of German aeroplane."
"That's true," said the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"
(Thanks Delge)

An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar. They're staring at another man who is sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and bottle of Buckfast. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Glaswegian shouts, "F*** off, I'm on disability benefit!"
(Thanks Robin)

A guy came into a pub one day and said to the landlord, "Give me six double Scotches."
The bartender says, "You must have had one hell of a day."
"I'm in shock. I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same bloke goes into the pub and asks for the same drinks. When the landlord asks what the problem is this time, the guy says, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double whiskies. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yes. My wife."
(Thanks Ellen. You win this week's star prize. One of them self-help books that tells you how to be happy. If you're not happy and want to know how it's done, then write a bestselling self-help book, or send us a postal address and we'll send it you.)

Please send us jokes. February is traditionally the month doctors prescribe the most antidepressants. That's because February sucks, even though it's my birthday, but then birthdays suck once you're over a certain age and it's still February. So anyway, make Feb less sucky by sharing a few crumbs of humour with us. Don't hang about - hit the Reply button now and give us jokes, even if it's only in a grudging middle-of-the-week and not-really-feeling-like-it kind of way. The best joke each week will win a prize, either a night out with Eeyore, or something from the Venue office which may or may not suck as much as February.

Surf!

Petition to save Wildwalk & IMAX
bristol.epetitions.net

Man with two heads
www.dailymotion.com
(Thanks Pam)

Student japes
www.youtube.com
(Thanks Pam)

Unnatural animal friendships
letsbefriends.blogspot.com

Illuminated foundation garments
enlighted.com

It's a VW Beetle with a jet engine.
www.ourlighterside.com

Switch the switch
www.switchitoffandon.com

Russian nuclear industry's annual beauty pageant
miss2007.nuclear.ru

Extreme TV nostalgia
625.uk.com

Scientific experiment. Not necessarily worksafe.
www.myscienceproject.org

Scratch & sniff ...
www.slabearkazad.com
(Thanks Jack)

And don't forget to buy Venue. If we sell enough copies this week, the management have promised us a slap-up meal of turkey innards from that nice Mr Matthews in Suffolk.