Mmmmm! What's that delicious smell? Must be the latest edition of Venue magazine being fried up and served piping hot with a big mug of builders' tea. Just look at all that Venue-ey goodness!

CHEAP EATS GUIDE - Venue's much-loved and much-imitated guide to stuffing your face without slimming your bank-balance is back. Plus we look at where to find the best fry-ups.

SIMON PEGG - The West country-born star of Shaun of the Dead is back with another big hit - and tells us the first publication to ever interview him, back in 1992, was Venue.

PLUS ... The Bristol-made alternate world game that's taking the Web by storm ... Severn Beach Line crisis ... Peter Tatchell, Nik Kershaw interviewed ... Bath's Teenage Kicks Festival ... Asian comedy and (jawohl!) German comedy ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

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Jokes

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only three survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do ...
After several years of constant casual sex, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt that having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was a very tragic time but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course...
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing ...
... So they buried her.
(Thanks Robin)

At 85 years of age, Wally marris Lou-Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds! are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".
And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
(Thanks Nick)

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
(Thanks Jack)

New(ish) Words for Our Times

* SALAD DODGER.
An unfit overweight person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after two hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
(Thanks Pam)

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the shopping centre and ran to the toy shop and he asked the manager: "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied: "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for £19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for £19.95, 'Barbie goes shopping' for £19.95 'Barbie goes to the beach' for £19.95, 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for £19.95, and 'Divorced Barbie' for £375.00."
"Why is the Divorced Barbie £375.00, when all the others are £19.95?" the dad asked.
"'Divorced Barbie' comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture," replied the shop manager.
(Thanks Nick)

Q. What do you call a girl who likes to slide about on red hot toast?
A. Marge.
(Thanks Donna)

My wife reminded me last week that it'll soon be St Valentine's Day, but that I'm always forgetting it. She's right, and I felt really guilty about it. "I'll tell you what, love," I said, "I'm definitely not going to forget this year, and I'm going to make it up to you by buying you a special Valentine's present. Now what would you like?"
"Something with lots of diamonds!" she said.
I can't wait to see her face light up when I give her this lovely new pack of cards.
(Thanks Ellie. You win this week's star prize, a selection of recent singles including works by Take That, Nelly Furtado, The Sugababes and many, many more. Send us a postal address if you want them.)

Please send us jokes, otherwise we'll have to resort to filling out our spam with stock market tips, and please to help us launder the fortunes of dead third world dictators. Best joke each week wins a prize which usually isn't worth having, but which might make a useful doorstop or birthday present for your boss. You can also send us sponsored gags on behalf of your company, club or campaign to abolish wasps and we'll tell all 4,000 spamvictims your website address. So don't delay; hit the Reply button now and melt our Valentiney hearts with your throbbingly gorgeous funnyness.

Surf!

Well that's a relief, then
www.nytimes.com

Nazi racoons!
www.dw-world.de

From a Leeds radio phone in. Harsh but fair? You decide ...
www.b3ta.com

Brian May's blog. He's an old grouch, isn't he?
www.brianmay.com

Princess Di song
www.youtube.com

Cult game made in Bristol
www.enter-geist.com

Looking a little tired "down there"? This'll perk it up.
www.bettybeauty.com

Site about Special Brew
www.arrysbrewsite.co.uk

Do not even THINK of bringing one of these into my house
www.nabaztag.com

Everyone's talking about this one
www.oldeenglish.org

Lovely weird designs and semi-animations
www.feric.com

"Britney Exposed"
www.kingpixel.com

WARNING! GROSS! And not worksafe!
tunteella.org

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