It makes your heart beat faster, it turns grown men to gibbering wrecks, it's the thing that we all crave ... Yes, that's right - Venue magazine. This week it's gone all romantic with stuff like:

ADDICTED TO LOVE - What happened when one Venue hack found himself back on the singles market and beginning a lonely journey of innumerable dates, soul-crushing rejections and the odd wrestle on the sofa. Did he find true love? Read and find out.

HOW TO WOO - It being St Valentine's day soon and everything, we've got your local love directory, classic seduction techniques, the West's most romantic spots and advice on how to build your own love-shack.

PLUS - Dr Alice Roberts interview ... Campaign Against 4x4 vehicles ... 'The Truth About Love': Bristol on the big screen ... Mouth-watering meals on wheels ... Rapper Plan B interviewed ... And loads more, including your complete ten-day local entertainment guide.

Don't miss out - place a regular order with your newsagent now* or we'll tell Bernard Matthews you've offered to put up 150,000 turkeys at your house while their present accommodation is being cleaned. Bootiful.

*Or just call 0117 942 8491 to subscribe for just £4.99 a month!

Jokes

Some recent news stories (allegedly) ...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
(Thanks Jack)

Q. What do you call two amigos plying basketball?
A. Juan on Juan

Q. Why should you never change your sandwich toaster?
A. Better the Breville you know
(Thanks Sarah)

B&Q JOB APPLICATION
This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75 year old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny ...
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will co-operate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tit and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
(Thanks Jo)

A man is busy driving his new car through the Welsh mountains when he's pulled over for speeding.
"I was only going 40mph, Officer" he says.
"That's all very well," says the policeman, "But what if Mr Fog comes down ?"
"Well" says the driver sarcastically, "if Mr Fog comes down, I'll take Mr Foot of Mr Accelerator and press him gently onto Mr Brake, slowly bringing Mr Car down to a safer speed."
The policeman sighed and said "No, Sir, what I actually said was, what if mist or fog comes down ?"
(Thanks Jerry)

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girls' nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said ... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'"
(Thanks Julie, you win this week's star prize, a copy of the new album from G4, some chaps who once won X-Factor or something. It's the second copy that's come into the office! Mail us an address if you wants it.)

Please send us jokes. If you don't, we'll sulk and not talk to you until next Thursday and only buy you a Tesco Value Valentine card instead of the big one the size of a garage door with a big red silky padded heart thing on it. Best joke each week wins something or other. Or send us a joke on behalf of your company, club or Masonic lodge and we'll tell everyone your web address. Don't delay another minnit; hit the reply button and slip your 24-carat rolled gold and platinum humour onto our trembly and delicate little finger.

Surf!!

Wanker of the week.
gawker.com

Political interference.
thinkprogress.org

Pictures of willies. Not worksafe. Duuhh!
nobscan.com

Do not contemplate looking at this on a full stomach
www.manboobs.co.uk

Penguin want everyone to help write a novel. Doesn't seem to be working so far.
www.amillionpenguins.com

Make your dog look stupid
spoiledrottendoggies.com
(Thanks Minnie)

"Next time you're sitting next to a boring person on a plane, take out your laptop, carefully open the lid, make sure they can see the screen, and fire this baby up," says Jake.
www.thecleverest.com

Si has asked us to put in a link to this here petition to try and free live music from recent red tape regulations
petitions.pm.gov.uk

Grotesquely offensive spoof of those M&S ads. Not worksafe!!
www.youtube.com

Rooms from around the world
www.normalroom.com

If you were ever into 70s/80s US soft rock you will adore this, and subsequent episodes
www.youtube.com

Art Garfunkel has made a list of every book he's read since 1968. No really.
www.artgarfunkel.com

Man does Rubik Cubes with his feet.
www.youtube.com

"USB meets LOVE" - useful gadget from Japan.
www.cube-works.co.jp